Beyoncé and Jay-Z posted the very first pictures of their one-month-old baby Blue Ivy Carter online today. The Daily Mail says:

Instead of selling their first baby pictures to a glossy magazine for millions the music megastar couple decided to take control posting snaps of Blue to a tumblr blog.

[A message posted alongside the photos read]: ‘We welcome you to share in our joy. Thank you for respecting our privacy during this beautiful time in our lives. The Carter Family.’

Awwww… baby hands! They’re like my kryptonite. I’ll be incapable of sarcasm and vitriol for the next half hour at least.

http://forum.phun.org/showthread.php?t=879425

I know when I think “withered-up prune puss,” one of the first names that comes to mind is Kris Jenner, so it makes sense that she’d be chosen as the spokemodel for the a new female sexual enhancement product called Zestra. And also, there’s nothing that bitch won’t slap her name on. No-thing. The Daily Mail says:

In a statement the mother-of-six said: ‘I’ve been lucky enough to discover a new, amazing, revolutionary product that helps women get in the mood and ready for romance in minutes.

‘It’s forever changed my experience in the bedroom and I’m sure it will do the same for you.

‘And, who wouldn’t want to try something that works in minutes and makes sex feel… well, amazing? I love instant gratification.’

Not surprisingly, however, the product is crap and doesn’t work. Just ask anyone stupid enough to trust their genitals to Kris Jenner. They’ll tell you:

Zestra currently holds a two star rating overall on Amazon, with most users only marking it one out of five.

One user said: ‘I would have enjoyed a lit stick of dynamite more,” while another [user added]: ‘This stuff smells like dirty bacon grease.’

Not just any bacon grease, mind you — dirty bacon grease. Trust me, a conesuuier of pork products like myself can definitely tell a difference.

VS model Adriana Lima in Vogue Brasil, because she doesn’t smell like rancid bacon rinds:

The beautiful Kim Cloutier in Cosmo UK. (G Celeb)

If “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart being replaced by… Jackie Chan? It’s the best thing that could happen to that franchise. (Celeb Jihad)

Whitney Houston’s doing great. You can tell by how sweaty she is. (Celeb Slam)

Beyonce and Jay-Z have already trademarked their baby daughter Blue Ivy’s name. Wow. (Celebitchy)

LeAnn Rimes’ head looks like it was kept in a vice overnight. Seriously, she looks like one of those Utapau natives in Star Wars Episode III. (Evil Beet)

If you’re feeling blasphemous today, ten seriously funny Jesus pictures. (Caveman Circus)

That’s why you wanna steer clear of Pepper Roy. He steals shit. (The Dirty)

Remember Yesica Toscanini in the 2007 Sports Illustrated issue? Allow me to jog your memory and your dominant hand. (Moe Jackson)

Snooki and JWoww claim that The Situation is actually gay. It makes sense if you stop and think about it. (popbytes)

Hilary Duff’s rack is three times it’s regular size. Hooray for pregnancy hormones!(Popoholic)

Amanda Tapping’s name rhymes with “fapping.” I don’t think that’s just a coincidence. (UseMyComptuer)

Aw, it’s the first nipslip of New York Fashion Week! That means six more weeks of winter! (Holy Moly!)

Madonna calls M.I.A.’s middle finger “negative and out of place.” Said the lady who once masturbated with a crucifix live on stage. (Bitten & Bound)

Amy Adams’ baby is adorable. (INF Daily)

Coco has since removed this photo of her lying naked next to her baby nephew from her Twitter page, because for some reason, people found it “objectionable.” And I bet the social worker that’s coming to visit will be even more uncool about it. You know how those guys freak out every time they see visible genitalia.

Kylie Bisutti beat more than 10,000 hopefuls when she won the Victoria’s Secret Model Search two years ago, but she has since abandoned the company because she felt Jesus didn’t want her modeling lingerie. She said in an interview (via the Daily Mail):

“I just started becoming more uncomfortable with [modeling lingerie] because of my faith… my body should only be for my husband and it’s just a sacred thing.

I didn’t really want to be that kind of role model… I had a lot of younger Christian girls that were looking up to me and then thinking that it was okay for them to walk around and show their bodies in lingerie to guys.”

I personally think she’s rejecting her God-given talents, because breasts like those could certainly convince me to give religion another try. Hell, “Jesus Christ” were the first words outta my mouth when I saw this picture of her in a bikini.

In Maxim before her convictions ruined everything:

Let’s be honest — there’s really no point in me even typing words here. It’s not like you’re gonna be looking at anything other than Kelly Brook’s rack for the next fifteen minutes.

Khloe Kardashian fervently denied allegations that she was the product of an affair that mom Kris Jenner had with her hairdresser twenty years ago, maintaining that Robert Kardashian, and not Alex Roldan, was her father. Which is weird because today, her 14-year-old sister Kylie posted a photo of her with Alex Roldan with the caption: ‘First official photo of my sister and her dad! Like father like daughter!” I can kinda see the similarities, but I’m more inclined to believe Khloe was the product of an affair Kris had with a Sasquatch. A brow ridge like that is really more cryptid than human.

Listen to this before it gets taken down: Howard Stern’s fascinating interview with David Choe. (Caveman Circus)

I have not been feeling any of Heidi Klum’s outfits lately, and her amFAR ensemble doesn’t impress me, either. (Moe Jackson)

Lindsay Lohan’s other “friend” photographer Tyler Shields posts a bunch of artsy pics of her cleavage. You can tell that they’re artsy because they’re black and white. Fancy. (Hollywood Rag)

Sofia Vergara is creating her own lingerie line. And hopefully, she’ll be the brand spokesmodel. (Celebs)

Angelina Jolie has been confirmed as a presenter at this year’s Academy Awards. Fortunately, “Bounty Hunter” wasn’t nominated for an Oscar, so there shouldn’t be any Aniston awkwardness. (Celebitchy)

Oprah’s magazine isn’t selling so hot. (Bricks & Stones)

Zac Efron and Lily Collins are “dating.” Wink, wink. Which means he comes over every Thursday with a season of Sex and the City on DVD and they take turns braiding each other’s hair. (Allie is Wired)

Macauly Culkin either has AIDS or a severe drug problem, because he’s absolutely wasted away. (Evil Beet)

More pics of the ladies in their fancy dresses on the red carpet at the amFAR gala in New York last night. (INF Daily)

Michael Phelps and his sick body promote Head & Shoulders shampoo… in the shower, in a Speedo. (Socialite Life)

I can deal with Sarah Jessica Parker’s motorcycle jacket with the pink pleated satin skirt, but one thing I cannot abide is those gloves. I wanna pull one of them right off her hand and slap her across the face with it. (Bitten & Bound)

Reese Witherspoon shows of her girls in a tight, low-cut dress. (The Blemish)

Kris Humphries and his attorneys are claiming the above clip of Kim Kardashian professing her marital woes to mother Kris Jenner — which aired in a episode of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” last month — was actually filmed on a soundstage in back December, meaning he now wants an annulment on the grounds that his entire marriage was clearly a big scripted lie. The Daily Mail says:

The scene was presented as having taken place two months before during a business trip the mother and daughter duo took to Dubai in October – just weeks before Kim filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage.

Kim and her mother Kris were spotted leaving a Hollywood TV studio on December 6 with the 31-year-old socialite wearing the same outfit and hairstyle as she does in the scene.

Her mother Kris was photographed following her daughter out of the studio, with an assistant carrying the purple kaftan-style dress she wears in the scene, shot in the back of a limo.

A source [said]: ‘Kris feels that if this is true and the whole conversation was faked, this would help prove that he got married under fraudulent circumstances… yes, this did occur after the marriage, but this is one clear example that could help sway the judge to grant the divorce on the grounds of fraud.’

I tried to get a marriage annulled once, but it turns out “tuck-and-hide” isn’t actually considered fraud under Tennessee state law. But don’t worry — I’m already in the preliminary stages of drafting my own bill to change all that. If we all step up and make our voices heard, together we can make a difference.

Screen caps from Kim’s photo shoot for Esquire:

This is the best Demi Lovato’s looked since she got out of rehab and got all fat. I don’t know if it’s the angle or her position or what, but I’m inclined to believe I would in fact hit that. I know, I was just as surprised as you are.

At the Sheraton Hotel in Chile:

I’m not sure what it is that makes Lana del Rey the “gangsta” version of Nancy Sinatra, unless her gold fronts and her corn-chip nail-tips are supposed to be her gangsta flair. Personally, I find it really looks more like the flair you’d see at a TGI Fridays.