If I’d known we were playing croquet with UFC Octogon girl Arianny Celeste as a human wicket, I would have totally played a round instead of just using the mallet to smash out the tail lights on my ex’s Chevy Caprice. Next time try to keep me a little better informed. Honestly.

Fresh off a seizure spawned by a myriad of technically-legal chemicals and her ex-husband’s affair, Demi Moore has checked into the famous Cirque Lodge in Utah. Radar Online says:

Ashton Kutcher’s estranged wife began her treatment at Cirque Lodge several days ago, a source tells E!

It’s expected she’ll be there at least 30 days.

The drug and alcohol treatment center overlooking the Sundance ski resort is a celeb favorite. Mary-Kate Olsen [and] Lindsay Lohan [were both] treated there.

And what resounding successes those two gals are. Mary-Kate Olsen has clearly conquered her anorexia and Lindsay Lohan is the very picture of sobriety these days. Forty grand might seem like a lot of money, but with an impressive track record like that, I think we can all agree it’s money well-spent. They’ll have Demi cured in no time.

The only person who takes more pictures of Lindsay Lohan than the L.A. central booking is Terry Richardson (here, here and leering behind her like a child molester on a bender here), and that’s only because he’s a notorious pervert who gets off on taking pictures of girls’ tits, and showing her tits is the only thing Lindsay’s good for these days. It’s a match made in crippling daddy issues/sexual predator heaven.

The MTV babes of yore — Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra cougar up on the red carpet. (G Celeb)

Irina Shayk and Jessica White are totally the naughtiest of all the Sports Illustrated models. You can just tell. (Moe Jackson)

Gisele Bundchen defends husband Tom Brady by declaring he can’t “throw the fucking ball and catch the ball at the same time,” effectively blaming the Patriots receivers, which of course sat really well with the fans. (Celeb Slam)

Tila Tequila in a bikini, because it’s the only time she’s passably tolerable. (Hollywood Rag)

The Top Five Super Bowl commercials from last night, if you were too drunk to remember any them today. (Bitten & Bound)

America in pictures, beginning with a 230 lb. five-year-old. U-S-A! U-S-A! (Caveman Circus)

Ludacris got crizzunk at the Maxim Super Bowl party. And my black friend Tyrone said I wouldn’t be able to use “crizzunk” in everyday conversation without getting punched in the face. (Busted Coverage)

Katy Perry wants to park her chocha directly on Tim Tebow’s, um… pee-bow. I’m sorry, I drank a lot last night. (popbytes)

Pick-a-dick? Where do I sign up? (Seriously? OMG)

Brad Pitt reveals that Angelina Jolie is still “every bit a bad girl at heart,” prompting a chorus of belligerent, “Fuck you, Brad Pitts!” from everybody else. (Celebitchy)

Troian Bellisario and Patrick J. Adams are dating! Yeah… no idea. I’m pretty sure that first one is a girl. (Right Celebrity)

Meet the Romanian porn model with an “all-natural” 20-inch waist. And by “all-natural” I mean “she naturally had three ribs removed and strapped herself into a corset 18 hours a day for the last twenty years.” (Jezebel)

It’s Miss COED January… and Miss COED February, and they both brought their bikinis! What a fortuitous turn of events! (COED Magazine)

Everyone was expecting Madonna to pull some Janet Jackson-type shenanigans during her Super Bowl half-time show, but it was M.I.A. who crossed FCC lines last nite… by giving the finger. Oooh. ESPN says:

In front of some 110 million viewers on NBC and uncounted others online, she flipped the bird and appeared to sing, “I don’t give a (expletive)” at one point, though it was hard to hear her clearly.

The NFL and NBC wasted little time in responding. “The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing and we apologize to our fans,” said Brian McCarthy, spokesman for the NFL, which produced Madonna’s halftime show.

Ah, the bird. How gangsta of her. She must have assumed we all peaked in seventh grade detention.

Adriana Lima for Victoria’s Secret just because:

I was already drunk before Super Bowl XLVI even started, so I don’t remember much about Madonna’s much-ballyhooed half-time show, except that her new song with Nicki Minaj sucked and that she needed help doing cartwheels. Take three hits of acid, put Sally O’Malley in a blond wig with gospel choir and a couple of dudes with afros fighting off gladiators and you’ve pretty much seen the whole thing. Except way better.

Things have apparently gotten rough for Miley Cyrus, because it’s obvious she has no money for new clothes. There’s no other reason for her stealing your mom’s jeans and making them into shorts, or for stealing her flannel shirt. I don’t know about the bustier-thing though; is your mom a slut, or what? God, I would be so embarrassed if I were you.

With boyfriend Liam Hemsworth:

Katy Perry wears a pink wig while posing as a mermaid for a hair care ad campaign. Yeah, doesn’t make sense to me, either. (Anything Hollywood)

Maggie Gyllenhaal keeps up the Schlumpy McSchlumperson vibe with weird clogs/boots/quilted blanket hybrid shoes. (INF Daily)

If you ever wondered what sex with Chuck Norris would be like, this will give you an idea. (Caveman Circus)

Ashley Greene looks hot paying for parking in LA. (Moe Jackson)

Snooki peed herself on the dance floor. I suppose that would be called “The Pee-Pee Dance”? (The Blemish)

Vanity Fair names their “Fresh Young Stars of 2012″ in an artsy-fartsy spread. (Backseat Cuddler)

Once you’re named a “Porta Potty” legend, you can only go down from there, am I right? (The Dirty)

Could Angelina Jolie put another notch on her belt for supposedly destroying Johnny Depp’s relationship with Vanessa Paradis? (Celebitchy)

Madonna’s new music video features M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj, which are two great reasons not to watch it. Mmm, make that three. (Hollywood Rag)

Michael Fassbender works The Handsome for August Man. (Socialite Life)

Mena Suvari rocks the spandex. (The Grumpiest)

Bruce Willis told Demi to go to rehab, but she chose whip-its and penis cake. Wouldn’t you? (The Superficial)

This dude won a George Clooney lookalike contest in Ireland. I suppose that is the best they can do with a limited gene pool. (Holy Moly!)

Mila Kunis does the sexy nerd glasses look well. (G Celeb)

This woman who banged 1,000 guys used to be a dude. Wow, that would really fuck with your head. (COED)

Rihanna stepped out in Hollywood channeling her inner white 80′s rocker with a layered blonde wig and cut-off stonewashed denim shorts. But as far as those armpit stains, maybe she should have followed the advice of this 80′s commercial.

Christina Hendrick’s massive rack takes up the cover of next month’s Cosmopolitan UK cover. In it she talks about how she never thought people would find her sexy. I supposed I’m supposed to find self-deprecation charming. Snore.  The Daily Mail says,

Hendricks admits her husband finds her whole pin-up image incredibly funny.

She explains: ‘It’s incredibly flattering and surprising, and I didn’t think for a second when I started Mad Men that people would talk about me as being sexy or a pin up.

‘My husband has a good laugh about it, of course.’

And when asked to define sexy, she adds: ‘Sexiness is about confidence and individuality. I can’t keep my eyes off the women you see in cities like London, New York and Paris – the way they carry themselves and put themselves together are always so unique.

‘Sexiness is about being an individual and having conviction about what that is.’

Which, of course, is why she didn’t think it was necessary to get implants after she gained a bunch of weight to even out her bottom and achieve an “hourglass” figure. Yup.

Demi Lovato tries to break free of her wholesome Disney image in these “provocative” images from photographer Tyler Shields. Seriously, if the best you can do is drag out the old “sucking on a lollipop to simulate fellatio” routine, then maybe it’s time to just hang up the camera. E! Online says,

This provocative yet alluring shot of Demi Lovato is one of many from her recent photo shoot with photographer Tyler Shields, who talked to E! News about his session with the “Skyscraper” singer that will be featured at his Beyond the Gates show at Imitate Modern in London starting Feb. 24.

[Shields says,] “I think people have a very specific vision of her. No one has seen her doing anything remotely sexy. But she’s a grown woman now, and she wants to be sexy and feel sexy, and she wants to have these pictures forever. Little kids eat lollipops. She’s not a kid anymore, but people view her that way. It’s like, ‘So if you’re going to view me as a kid, then here ya go.’ “

Slapping on a ton of makeup and overexposing the film does not make me forget the fact that she looks exactly like a younger version of HSN’s Colleen Lopez, which unfortunately, is about as unsexy as it gets. Unless of course, you are turned on by the ability to get a 3 stone baguette-cut Absolute ring on 3 Flexpays of $19.99, plus shipping and handling. I’m raising my hand on this one, just so you know. Getting a great deal makes me so fucking hot.

It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island: