Super Bowl XLIV was last night, and I could really give two shits that the Saints won, so here are some pics of Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively in a bikini with her main gay Chace Crawford instead. And speaking of Chace Crawford, enjoy the above video of someone who could totally beat Chace’s ass with one wrinkled hand tied behind her back: the illustrious Betty White in the above Snickers Super Bowl commercial. Hell, I’d put my money on the rapping grandma from “The Wedding Singer” before I’d bet on Chace Crawford hitting anything other than a man’s ass with the backside of his balls.
You know, for a Wild West whore, Megan Fox sure is wearing a lot of clothes. But you have to remember that back in olden times, showing a bit o’ ankle and an uncovered neck was enough to be considered sexy. Just one more reason to be glad you don’t live in the olden times. Well, that, and typhoid and amoebic dysentery. If it’s largely eradicated communicable diseases you want, just try visiting India. The CDC says they got a lot of that over there.
Jennifer Aniston jetted off to Los Cabos, Mexico to celebrate her 41st birthday with her standard crew of dried-up old birds this past weekend, but there was something different this time… something with a penis. Gasp! People Magazine says
She had a surprise birthday guest: Gerard Butler, her costar in the upcoming comedy, The Bounty Hunter.
Aniston flew a large group of pals including Butler, Courtney Cox and Sheryl Crow to the One & Only Palmilla resort Thursday evening where the group is staying in a beautiful waterfront villa.
There’s a name for the fine line between “perinnial bachelorette looking for a fling” and “hiring a male prostitute because you’re a lonely divorcée who divides her time between mahjong and canasta with the girls and drawing mustaches and horns on pictures of your ex-husband’s new wife,” and that name of that line is Gerard Butler. Frankly, it’s all downhill from there.
There’s no denying that a sex tape starring presidential hopeful John Edwards and former campaign worker Rielle Hunter exists — Big Brother has gotten its hands on it. The NY Post says
The tape shows Edwards in a sexual encounter with a pregnant woman believed to be Hunter.
According to an affidavit filed by [Edwards' longtime aide Andrew Young] last night, the original sex tape is in an Atlanta safety-deposit box. Another copy has been turned over to the FBI.
And right there, boys and girls, are your tax dollars hard at work. Operative word being “hard.” Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
The German word “gestalt” is just a fancy way of saying “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts,” so the next time you’re at an office party and some pretentious bastard starts bandying it about with words like “jingoism” and “dénouement,” interrupt him by waving one of these Heidi Klum pics in front of his face and say, “Well, that depends entirely on which parts you’re talking about. And which ‘hole!’” Then high-five the guy standing next to you and bust out a few Macho Man Randy Savage pelvic thrusts before yelling “Yeah, and you can eat my Schadenfreude, bee-yaaatch!” as you walk away.
Screen caps from the video of her posing topless for Vogue last year:
Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner team up in a best friends-y photo shoot for next month’s issue of Marie Claire, and seeing them side by side like this makes you wonder — which one got the better fake lips? (The last two thumbs below are before-and-after pics of both actresses for your reference.) I’ve been looking at them all morning and I still can’t decide. I think the only way to settle this is with science, by which I mean a good ol’ fashioned girl-on-girl kiss-off. You know, to measure, uh, lip density and overall volume and… um, pressure per square inch and then map it on a graph for an accurate and fair comparison. Or we could just go with a full body contact naked oil wrestling match. See, the great thing about science is that it’s pretty impartial.
Women fall all over themselves for Orlando Bloom because he has a pretty face, but he has one of the birdiest bird chests I’ve ever seen and he’s maybe a buck-twenty soaking wet. And hey — whaddya know — he actually is soaking wet! Well, well. Today is your lucky day, ladies. You don’t normally see a physique like that without an asthma inhaler and Magic: the Gathering blocking your view.
Scarlett Johansson looks pretty hot in these pics for Mango’s latest ad campaign, but I just can’t get past the name “Mango.” The image of Chris Kataan in gold lamé hot pants instantly pops into my head every time I hear that stupid word. I might be looking at Scarlett, but all that I hear is “You can’t-a have-a de Mango!” followed by a staccato buttock slap. Ugh. It wasn’t funny then, and it sure as hell isn’t funny now. Kinda like this post. See how it all comes full circle?
Part one of the riveting Lindsay Lohan: Secret Celebrity Hoarder interview aired on The Insider last night. The NY Post says
The screen star’s apartment is a pigsty, with one room littered floor-to-ceiling with piles of clothes, shoes and other expensive junk.
“I try not to come in here, that’s how bad it is,” she said of the spare bedroom in the condo she moved into last year. “It gives me anxiety being in here. The clutter takes up a lot of space mentally.”
The show will hold an intervention with a professional closet organizer and help Lohan clean up [in part two of the interview, which airs tonight].
Sarah said it before, and I wholeheartedly agree: Lindsay Lohan is NOT a hoarder. Lindsay Lohan is just goddamn lazy is all. Her life is a complete fucking train wreck, so it makes sense her house would be, too. The only way I’m going to be “shocked” by The Insider’s “exclusive findings” is if it turns out those boxes are actually filled with Bibles and nineteenth century English literature.
Hey, look — someone who’s not a leathery hot mess: Cindy Crawford in Harper’s Bazaar:
It’s funny — I never noticed it before, but I just realized that you can’t spell “Anne Hathaway” without the letters T and A. Coincidence? I’ll let your wiener be the judge of that!
