Newly-released audio of the 911 call (listen after the jump) placed from Demi Moore’s home the night she was hospitalized after having a seizure suggest that not only was she high on whip-its — she’d also been smoking incense laced with synthetic cannabinoids, or “Spice” as it’s known around most middle schools. Radar Online says:

[The caller can be heard telling the 911 operator]: “She smoked something, it’s not marijuana, it’s similar to incense. She seems to be having convulsions.”

Addiction specialist Dr. Phil Dembo… believes Moore was smoking K2 Spice, which is currently legal in the U.S. but under investigation by the Drug Enforcement Agency.

“It sounds like Demi smoked K2 Spice,” Dr. Dembo, who has not treated Moore, said. “The problem with synthetics of any kind is they can cause anxiety or depression and cause panic or hyperventilation type of experience. There is racing of your body and those things chemically take you over.”

Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel has nothing to do with Demi Moore or pititful seventh-grade emo cutter attempts at substance abuse, but she has very, very shiny limbs, and you know how easily distracted I am by anything shiny. I’m curious like a cat. And that’s why my friends call me “Whiskers,” not because I had a chin hair had that grew almost an inch long before I finally noticed it. I’m pretty sure that was just a coincidence.

Candice Swanepoel in Vogue China:

/p>

(more…)

NBC is so desperate for ratings that they’ve taking to jerking off donkeys for Nielson points now. Yes, contestants on Monday’s “Fear Factor” will have to drink a glass of donkey semen, followed by a donkey urine chaser in order to move on to the next round. The Daily Mail says:

The stomach churning segment was apparently filmed last summer and is set to air next week.

While show executives were said to have had their reservations, the segment was filmed and as yet there are no plans not to screen it.

The challenge required teams of twins to drink a full glass of donkey semen – with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure.

Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to qualify for the next round.

Jesus Christ, is this “Fear Factor,” or fucking “Jackass?” Shame on Joe Rogan, and shame on NBC. That’s bestiality as far as I’m concerned. You can’t buy back your dignity, asswipes.

Miranda Kerr for Victoria’s Secret, because she’s not drinking donkey semen:

Oh, how cute — you’re gonna get killed by a fucking train, dumbasses! (Caveman Circus)

You can hate Lana Del Rey for the bad plastic surgery, but not the pretense. Seriously, Bono’s real name is PAUL. Let’s not put on airs here. (Jezebel)

Russell Brand’s already moved on. I’m assuming his agent responded accordingly and notified the CDC. (Celeb Slam)

Does anybody remember Jo Jo? Think “white trash homecoming queen who just gave birth in the stall next to you” and you’ll be able to pick her out of this crowd. Purple satin will do that every time. (Moe Jackson)

Drew Barrymore’s hair is less “ombre” and more “12-inch roots.” Fail. (Hollywood Rag)

Do you like Emma Stone? Do you like “Thirty Rock?” Well, it’s your lucky day, then! (Holy Moly!)

Note to Hilary Duff: horizontal lines and 7 months pregnant don’t mix. Ever. (Popoholic)

Of course Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are claiming their love is just as strong as it was before all his lies and homosexual experimentation and secret bastard children. Yay! (Amy Grindhouse)

The son of the NYPD Commissioner accused of rape. Awk-ward! (Bitten & Bound)

Mary Louise Parker is replacing Demi Moore in “Lovelace” because one old anemic-looking brunette is as good as another in Hollywood. I doubt anyone will even notice the difference. (Bricks & Stones)

According to Star magazine, Angelina is 98 pounds, headed for rehab, and pregnant. Probably with Elvis’ alien baby. (Celeb Dirty Laundry)

Gerard Butler on hearing that Brandi Glanville rated him a 11 out of 10 in the sack: “Who’s Brandi Glanville?” Funny, those were my words exactly. (Celebitchy)

The real ten commandments of life — follow these, and you can’t fail. (Ned Hardy)

It’s Knuckle-Tattoo Wheel of Fortune! If you haven’t played, you haven’t lived. (City Rag)

The stuff that women say in men’s magazines crack me up. Take Selita Ebanks for example. She claims that she owns a “giant boudoir of nothing but panties and bras” and that she really doesn’t care about diamonds. They basically make up all sorts of crap so that you can whack off believing that there are hot women out there who parade around in lingerie and aren’t looking for someone with a ton of money to finance their expensive tastes. It’s like that blurb on the box of Lucky Charms that tell me that even though it’s pretty much pure sugar, it’s a part of this complete breakfast because it provides me with whole grain and calcium and minerals. Just because it says one thing, doesn’t mean that your ass won’t pay in the end.

Arguably one of the music industry’s prettiest couples, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are said to be rapidly nearing the city limits of Splitsville. Apparently that little business about Gavin frolicking with a cross-dresser is still a sore spot for Gwen. Says Celebrity Fix,

Couples therapy just isn’t cracking it for Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale.

According to Star magazine the hot-to-trot pair, who’ve been married 10 years, are well and truly washed up on the rocks, with a source even claiming divorce is now “inevitable.”

The mag reports that Gavin’s ‘dark past and infidelities’ are simply too much for Gwen to handle. Two years into their marriage, it was revealed that the Bush rocker had a secret daughter – Daisy Lowe, now 22 – by his ex-girlfriend, Pearl Lowe, and then in 2008 there was that hoo-ha about Gavin having an affair with a cross-dresser.

Courtney Love has also claimed to having an affair with Gavin while he was married to Gwen.

“Gwen often wonders what other secrets Gavin is hiding,” a source told Star.

“It’s getting harder and harder for her to go through the motions with a man she sometimes feel like she doesn’t even know.”

I could have forgiven Gavin and his pretty face for having an affair that occurred years ago with a cross-dresser. But I draw the line at Courtney Love. Something tells me that that cross-dresser’s bunghole was a hell of a lot more sanitary than Courtney’s puss would ever be. I’d bet that even cockroaches wouldn’t be able to survive her Apocalyptipuss.

Gwen taking the tykes to a birthday party:

Since getting that stupid-ass tattoo this past week, Rihanna has received criticism over the message that it conveys. You know, the message other than being a stupid twat. Says Digital Spy,

While many Twitter users spoke out against the body art, claiming that Rihanna was glorifying gang culture, she has since taken to the social networking site to defend her decision.

“I #LOVE my new tattoo!!! Can’t wait for yall to see it!!! I got it in ‘Tibetan’ this time!!! #approved,” she wrote.

“Chill babes #noshade. Err’body has an opinion, but yall know what yall can do with them!!! #THUGLIFE (sic)”

Rihanna later joked: “I’m thinking I shoulda got a tear drop instead!!! #THUGLIFE maybe next time. “All eyes on Rih, betta picture me rollin’ #THUGLIFE.”

I personally think a baboon making smoke signals while picking its ass would be easier to decipher than that ghettospeak. Seriously, if you’re going to make the effort to spell out err’body complete with an apostrophe, you should just go ahead and fucking spell the word you’re bastardizing. That shit is a whole different level of pretentiousness.

Keepin’ it classy with no bra and nipple barbells:

Ever wondered what “Sleeping Beauty’s” Maleficent would have looked like without the green skin and the horns and dressed like a topless dancer on her way to a parent-teacher conference? Yeah, me neither.

Jessica Lowndes in next month’s More Magazine:

Jennifer Love Hewitt keeps trying to convince us she’s still sexy and not at all fat but posting overtly photoshopped pics of herself on Twitter. Contrary to what my dad always told me, you apparently can stuff ten pounds of shit in a five-pound sack. Just so long as there’s a magic wand and clone tool to clean up all the stuff that spills over.

Rihanna shows off her ass in a cute crochet string bikini. (The Grumpiest)

Random Minka Kelly hotness will bring order to your chaotic day. Or something like that. (G Celeb)

Amanda Seyfried as a cracked out porn star in hot pants. Sold! (Moe Jackson)

Adriana Lima is still very, very good at modeling bikinis. You’d never know she’d ever given birth to anything other than my all-consuming jealousy. (Hollywood Rag)

Jodie Marsh’s big fake tits wanted to GTFO and one of them almost exploded, but after seeing her face, you almost can’t blame them. They’re as much a victim here as she is. (The Blemish)

Larry King looks like he should be wrapped in tattered linens with his arms outstretched and groaning “Braaaaaaaaiins!” (Celeb Slam)

If you haven’t seen a magnificent piece of cinema today, allow me to rectify that. (Caveman Circus)

The Sexiest Australian Female Athletes, because anything “down under” sounds dirty. (COED Magazine)

Pat Sajak and Vanna White were drunk on Wheel of Fortune! (Celeb Smack)

Video of Selena Gomez bouncing her bosom up and down, if you live in your grandmother’s “downstairs apartment” and weight over 300 pounds. (Celeb Jihad)

It’s completely obvious that Nick is the gayest Jonas brother. (INF Daily)

Victoria Jackson reveals that people thought she was retarded. I used to get the same thing in school all the time. (Evil Beet)

Mario Lopez is the male attention-whore version of Kim Kardashian… and equally as talented. (omg blog)

Joan Rivers without makeup is ever more terrifying than you imagined. (Bitten & Bound)

The mystery substance that Demi Moore was abusing the night she had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital was none other than whip-its. As in nitrous oxide. No, I swear. It must have been one hell of a middle school party! TMZ says:

One of Demi’s friends who was at her home told emergency workers Demi was doing whip-its. A whip-it is a street name for a type of nitrous oxide inhalant.

The friend said she became upset when Demi had a reaction to a whip-it and lapsed into semi-consciousness.

It appears Demi had symptoms of a seizure — after inhaling the nitrous.

A whip-it is not a common drug among people of Demi’s age and social status. It’s typically used by younger people who are looking for a cheap thrill.

Jesus, whip-its? Now that’s one I never woulda guessed in a million years. 49 is just way too old to be doing that kinda shit. Demi should stick with more age-appropriate drugs, like Estroderm and Rheumatrex.

You already knew that Kim Kardashian was a vapid self-absorbed twat, but even I hadn’t fully grasped the voracity of her own ego until now. The Daily Mail says:

Kim Kardashian was seen reading a Google Alert about herself on her Blackberry when she ran errands in Los Angeles earlier this week.

The system notifies users when a particular name crops up in the news, so that the person in question can keep up with the world is saying about them.

And 31-year-old Kim was seen stopping as she checked out what the press was saying about her that day.

As Kim clutched her phone a message clearly reading ‘RE: Google Alert – Kim Kardashian’ was legible on her screen.

Before we judge, maybe it wasn’t the display of insatiable vanity and abject narcissism that it appeared on the surface. She was probably just checking her Google Alerts to make sure she was still famous. She knows as well as you do that her 15 minutes are long since up.

Photoshopped into another dimension in their krappy denim kollections for Sears:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie always said that they would get married when gay marriage became legal in all fifty states, but later hinted that wedding might be coming before any federal was law was overturned, and now Brad has all but confirmed there IS a Brangelina wedding in the works, gay people be damned. The Daily Mail says:

In an interview with the Hollywood Reporter, Brad Pitt made a stunning admission when asked whether he would marry Angelina: ‘We made this declaration some time ago that we weren’t going to do it till everyone can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out.’

He said their six children were one of the significant factors behind his change of heart.

Brad said: ‘We’d actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids… they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.’

But he didn’t go as far as saying he had asked Angelina to marry him, adding: ‘I’m not going to go any further.’

Bottom line, they’ll get married when Angelina tells him it’s time to get married. Pretending he has any say in it whatsoever is downright hilarious.

At the Golden Globes:

Fame/Flynet Pictures