You gotta be careful when Kim Kardashian’s behind the grill at your Fourth of July party. You never know if the two “all-beef patties” and “special sauce” she’s talking about is a burger or just a coy euphemism for her ass and some black dude’s spunk.
At the Sierra Mist Beach House:
Jessica Simpson has highlights out and her highbeams on. (CelebSlam)
Mischa Barton busted sniffing coke in a Hollywood nightclub bathroom. (Hollywood Rag)
Demi Lovato actually looks… hot?! (Socialite Life)
Here are Jessica Simpson’s tits from another angle. (Bastardly)
Elementary school teacher Crystal Defanti sends a sex tape starring herself home to her students. Teacher of the Year, anyone? (Right TV)
Hayden Panettiere’s tattoo, when translated from the Latin, actually reads “I’m an empty-headed twatwaffle.” True fucking story. (Websters)
Celebretard showdown: Mariah Carey vs Jennifer Lopez. (College Candy)
Michael Jackson liked full-makeup role-playing sex, according to Lisa Marie. Please excuse me while I gouge out my mind’s eye. (CelebNewsWire)
First official pictures from “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!” Dork. (UseMyComputer)
Scarlett Johansson sexy Esquire magazine outtakes. (popoholic)
Lady Gaga shows her tits to everyone… again. (Holy Moly)
Keira Knightley posting topless for Chanel! (Glamzilla)
Wanna see male-on-male bestial jerk off action? Than get your tickets to “Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaur,” baby! (Pajiba)
Video NSFW
There’s a good way to tell if what you’re looking at is “art” or “porn.” It’s called a monacle and top hat. If you’re wearing one, it’s art. If you have your fist around your penis, it’s porn. A gentleman should know the difference.
Naked Bar Rafaeli in a new Israeli “art” video:
BONUS: Bar Rafaeli and Marisa Miller & friends in bikinis in the new Aerosmith video after the jump
Muslin: because it’s still illegal to wear cellophane as a shirt. Well played, Lindsay Lohan! Well played.
Everyone’s speculating about when and where Michael Jackson’s funeral will be held, but one thing’s for sure — it’s not going to be at Neverland. TMZ says
The Jackson family is officially stating that there will be no public or private viewing at Neverland. Plans are underway regarding a public memorial for Michael Jackson [instead].
In other news, Michael’s will was filed yesterday, in which it was revealed that singer Diana Ross is to care for his three children if his mother Katherine Jackson is unable to. According to the Daily Mail
Diana Ross has been named in Michael Jackson’s will as guardian to his three children in the event his 80-year-old mother is unable to care for them.
In the five-page document lodged in the Los Angeles high court yesterday, Jackson makes no mention of wanting his ex-wife Debbie Rowe to play any role in raising the children, [stating] his marriage to Rowe has been dissolved and [barring] her from receiving a penny from his estate.
Lawyers agreed that most surprising of all was that Bubbles the Chimp had not been named as executor of the estate in the will. Bubbles was only listed as an alternate guardian in the event that Ms. Ross was unable to care for the children. That’s practically a slap in the face to a simian.
UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that the memorial will be held tomorrow at 10:00 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, saying “1,000 tickets will be distributed free of charge to the general public.”
Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is engaged! Yeah, I don’t give a rat’s ass, either. People Magazine says
Kevin Jonas, 21, surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa, 22, by showing up at her doorstep early Wednesday morning, dropping down to his knee [and presenting her] with a cushion-cut diamond ring that [he] designed.
Deleasa, a former hairdresser, first met Jonas two years ago [while vacationing with her family in the Bahamas]. It was Kevin who eagerly pursued her after… spotting her walking on the beach with a flower in her hair.
It might sound romantic from here, but the reality is he’s barely old enough to drink and still a goddamn virgin. The only way this marriage could be more destined for failure is if his incontinent grandmother moved in with them and Danielle developed an allergy to unibrows.
I always thought only fat kids at summer camp wore their t-shirt when they went swimming. Apparently, international pop stars do it, too.
Beyoncé in Miami yesterday:
See the kind of quality ass Pauly Shore is tapping. (The Dirty)
Ralph Fiennes is naked and fine. Get it? Fiennes? Ha ha, I hate myself. (omg blog)
Debbie Gibson rockin some seriously toned abs at Pridefest. (Celebrity Odor)
Michael Jackson fans are offing themselves right and left — 12 have committed suicide since his death. (CelebJihad)
Hangover hottie Bradley Cooper is dating Renee Zellweger! Maybe he’s into ugly chicks. (Allie is Wired)
Ha ha — Joan Jett makes Kristen Stewart cry on the set of The Runaways! (Gabby Babble)
Lacey Schwimmer celebrates her birthday by wearing a bikini and taking lots of pictures of herself. (UseMyComputer)
Jolene Blalock. White t-shirt. Water. You do the math. (Fatback)
WTF has Kate Hudson done to her once-beautiful hair?! (Agent Bedhead)
What every sitcom needs — Ugly Betty gets their very own gay porn star! (Websters)
One of the first pictures ever of Megan Fox in a bikini on “Hope and Faith.” (Dirty Rotten Whore)
Courtney Love looks worse than she ever has in her life. Relatively speaking. (Dlisted)
Rihanna’s ass looks RIDICULOUS in that little zippered skirt. Me-ow. (Hollywood Rag)
The Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes of All Time, Part IV. (Mr. Skin)
Julianne Moore in a bikini. Hope you’re wearing sunglasses. (The Bastardly)
Here’s how you make Justin Timberlake even gayer. (Socialite Life)
Lady Gaga as… Courtney Love? (Holy Moly)
Guess how much Lindsay Lohan got paid for her stupid Vegas birthday party earlier this week. Nope, not even close. Higher. Higher. You’re getting warmer… (Star Pulse)
Tennis star Anna Kournikova ended up with cuts on her neck after getting into a cat fight at a nightclub in Vegas over the weekend. According to People Magazine
Kournikova and her assistant were sitting at a VIP table when the other woman bumped them. They pushed each other but were separated – until the woman “came back over and threw a drink on [her] and her assistant,” a source said.
Then she and the woman started shoving and pushing each other. The other woman grabbed Kournikova by the neck and pushed her into a wall before security broke them apart.
So Anna Kournikova thought she was hot shit and wound up getting her ass handed to her. Just like she does on the tennis court! How deliciously apropos.
In Maxim:
“Heroes” Hayden Panettiere is C-list at best and remarkably uninteresting, which explains her big decision to drop trou on the big screen in her new shitty movie. According to People Magazine
In the movie ["I Love You, Beth Cooper"], Panettiere plays a high school cheerleader and the object of dorky Denis Cooverman’s affection, and in one locker room scene, the actress drops her towel.
“It didn’t bother me much,” Panettiere said of shooting the reveal. “I was fine.”
She added, “I have the body… if I can’t flaunt it at 20, come on! I might as well show it now.”
Look, naked or not, all I know is if you catch her, she has to grant you a wish. Leprechaun code of honor and all.
Flaunting a bikini in Cannes last month:
90’s supermodel and one of the very first ever Victoria’s Secret Angels Karen Mulder was arrested in Paris yesterday after allegedly threatening to kill her plastic surgeon. The Daily Mail
The 39-year-old is being held in the French capital following ‘vicious telephone calls’ directed at the female medic.
Mulder asked for a previous operation to be reversed. A detective said: ‘She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared.’
But this isn’t the first time Karen’s gone bat-shit insane:
In 2001 she claimed she and other models had been used as sex slaves by senior politicians and policeman, even falsely claiming she had been raped by Prince Albert of Monaco.
She attended a psychiatric hospital suffering from chronic depression, blaming it on drug addiction… [and a] year later attempted suicide by taking an overdose of sleeping pills.
And even when presented with the above information — her compulsive lying, manic mood swings and tendencies for self-harming — 10 out of 10 males surveyed still said they would try to put their penis inside her. I believe the technical term for this phenomenon is “boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” You probably learned about it on the playground in grade school.
In an interview earlier this week where she renounced any interest in custody, former wife Debbie Rowe revealed that the late Michael Jackson’s three children were not biologically his own. But the big shocker? They’re not biologically hers, either. Dun dun DUN! TMZ says
Debbie Rowe is not the biological mother of the two kids she bore for Michael. All three children were conceived in vitro. Debbie’s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services.
Well, if Michael Jackson’s not their dad, then who is? According to Us Weekly
Their biological father is Arnold Klein, Jackson’s L.A.-based dermatologist and Rowe’s former boss.
Okay, so they’re biologically Arnold Klein’s, but legally they’re still Michael’s kids, right? Um, not exactly:
Jackson never filed legal papers to adopt any of his children.
As for why Jackson didn’t formally adopt — at the time the kids were born there was no third party whom he believed would try and claim custody. For some reason, Jackson never thought [anyone] would mount a custody challenge.
In other Michael Jackson news, the drug Propofol — which is only available to medical personnel and whose sole use is to put people under anesthesia before major surgery — was discovered at the his home. TMZ says
Propofol can only be administered with an IV. Propofol [produces an intense burning sensation] and the drug Lidocaine is used to reduce the pain associated with the Propofol injection. Interestingly, Lidocaine was found near Jackson’s body [at the time of his death].
One of the major side-effects of Propofol is cardiac arrest if it’s taken in combination with narcotic painkillers; however, Propofol is so powerful it can stop someone’s heart on its own.
Sources say the drug is so inappropriate and reckless for home use, if a doctor facilitated it for Jackson, he or she could be prosecuted for manslaughter.
Stayed tuned for tomorrow’s episode of “As the Michael Jackson Turns,” in which Dr. Rip Studwell reveals that John Black is actually the real Michael Jackson but doesn’t yet know it because of a mysterious case of amnesia, and that the Michael Jackson who died was actually an evil clone engineered by Stefano DiMera in an attempt to take down the Bradys once and for all.
Disturbing facial transformation video here.
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