The only way these pictures of American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi could be more boring is if they were part of Sunday morning church service with your grandparents and served in a bowl of lukewarm cauliflower purée. I’m downright embarrassed for Maxim. But still not as embarrassed as I’d be if someone actually caught me reading Maxim. Ha ha, I still have my dignity, you know!

Zzzzzzzz:

Cindy Crawford can make a trench coat look as sexy as a garter belt and thong. (Velvet)

Extra! Extra! Get your Spurs’ George Hill’s wiener pics here! (The Dirty)

In case she wasn’t entirely sure she’s going to hell: Lindsay Lohan as Jesus on the cover of Purple magazine. (Celebrity Smack)

Alessandra Torresani sexing it up in next month’s Maxim. (Celebrity Odor)

Justin Bieber finally got his first pube! It’s am important transition in every girl’s life. (Celeb Jihad)

Jessia Biel, Jennifer Garner and Anne Hathaway put on their fake-iest fake smiles at the Valentine’s Day LA premiere. (UseMyComputer)

Jessica Alba looks like complete and utter shit. Peacock shit, to be specific. (Hollywood Rag)

Levi Johnston’s Playgirl cover is here! (Litely Salted)

More unflattering unretouched photos of Madonna have been leaked onto the interwebs. (Holy Moly)

So that’s what Beyonce’s bed head looks like. I thought a thatch of tumbleweeds got caught in a tornado. (popbytes)

Hilary Rhoda in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, because we don’t want to leave anybody out! (Moe Jackson)

AnnaLynne McCord bikini pics. (the grumpiest)

Hugh Hefner is getting sued by… Playboy?! (The Blemish)

Plot idiocy X minus romance and comedy Y equals Kristen Bell’s new movie “When in Rome” Z. It’s simple math, really. (Pajiba)

Anne Hathaway’s magnificent cleavage revisited. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Now that he’s through bumpin uglies with Kate Hudson, Yankees star Alex Rodriguez has set his sights on broader jawlines. According to the NY Daily News

The Yankees slugger is now reportedly hooking up with big screen star Cameron Diaz.

The twosome was spotted dancing the night away in Miami the day before the Super Bowl. Rodriguez, 34, and Diaz, 37, “were having a great time,” while the actress was “grinding on A-Rod.”

And from the sound of it – the duo aren’t just having a fleeting flirtation.

“A-Rod and Cameron have been totally hooking up,” a snitch told the mag.

Well, there’s a match made in lower mandible heaven. I bet their offspring would look like a cross between Bruce Campbell and a trapezoid. Rumer Willis and angler fish everywhere would be so jealous!

Maxillofacialogy isn’t all that sexy, so enjoy Abbey Clancey in body paint instead:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are suing mad over a story ran in British tabloid paper News of the World last week claiming the couple were on the verge of a nasty split. The Guardian UK says

Hollywood stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie today began a privacy action against the News of the World over a story that alleged the couple were separating.

The couple’s London lawyers said today: “The News of the World has failed to meet our clients’ reasonable demands for a retraction of and apology for these false and intrusive allegations which have now been widely republished by mainstream news outlets. We have advised them to bring proceedings, which they have now done.

We can confirm unequivocally that the allegations published by the News of the World are false as well as intrusive,” the firm said.

Of course they’re not splitting up! Why, Brad and Angelina’s love is as real as… as real as Bar Refeali’s breasts. Which, incidentally, I happened to have fifteen pictures of right here. I didn’t think it would be fair to draw that kind of visual analogy without giving you a proper frame of reference. I’d hate to be responsible for a disconnect between writer and reader.

In the swimsuit issue:

Tennis star Andy Roddick’s wife Brooklyn Decker has been revealed as this year’s cover girl for Sports Illustrated 2010 Swimsuit Edition, which hits newsstands today. Also hitting today: angry women who catch their husbands trying to rub one out on Brooklyn’s face while crouching behind the riding mower in the tool shed. I can still see you from here, dumbass!

Lots more nearly-naked Brooklyn after the jump:

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Jennifer Aniston’s family-less vacation in Mexico wouldn’t be complete unless she threw herself a “surprise” birthday party. A source told Page Six

“On Saturday, the staff lit 65 candles for her on the terrace of her villa, where all her guests, including Gerard, dined and drank, before a Mariachi band sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to her in Spanish and she was presented with a dark chocolate cake decorated with her star sign, Aquarius.”

It’s the little details that make a birthday party really special, isn’t it? Especially if the one providing all the details is the same one whose birthday party it is, because God knows no husband or children are going to throw her one since she doesn’t have any and it’s gonna be that way for the rest of her life anyway because she’s the relational equivalent of leprosy. I wonder how many Mexican cooks it took to convince her that “desperate” wasn’t a real cake flavor.

Bikini time:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

I’m not exactly sure what Megan Fox is selling in this commercial, but whatever it is, I’ll take ten. Assuming the bath water is included. Bottoms up!

Screen caps:

Beach Bowl Babes Match-Up: Olivia Munn vs Marisa Miller. (Moe Jackson)

When did AnnaLynne McCord get boobs? (Hollywood Rag)

Madonna’s newest male model victim is reportedly “terrified” of her — or maybe his eyebrows always look like that. (Holy Moly!)

Domestic violence, lezzie-style: SamRo and LiLo go head to head. (Litely Salted)

Holly Madison, Kim Kardashian and some other stroke-worthy chick assemble in a traditional whore trifecta. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Ha ha — Beyonce go boom. (Socialite Life)

Taylor Swift has clearly gone batshit insane. (CelebSlam)

Welcome to Kate Beckinsale’s 3D Underworld prison. (Agent Bedhead)

Robert Pattinson says sex scenes with Uma Thurman were disturbing. Mostly because he had to touch an actual girl. Ew! (Seriously? OMG)

Forget the Super Bowl — the Lingerie Bowl is where it’s at! (COED Magazine)

Kate Bosworth has nipples. And here they are. (Fatback)

Brad Pitt cops a feel on Angelina in the middle of the Super Bowl. (The Superficial)

Tom Arnold pantses Marisa Miller on live TV! (TMZ)

Super Bowl XLIV was last night, and I could really give two shits that the Saints won, so here are some pics of Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively in a bikini with her main gay Chace Crawford instead. And speaking of Chace Crawford, enjoy the above video of someone who could totally beat Chace’s ass with one wrinkled hand tied behind her back: the illustrious Betty White in the above Snickers Super Bowl commercial. Hell, I’d put my money on the rapping grandma from “The Wedding Singer” before I’d bet on Chace Crawford hitting anything other than a man’s ass with the backside of his balls.

A few more commercials after the jump.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

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You know, for a Wild West whore, Megan Fox sure is wearing a lot of clothes. But you have to remember that back in olden times, showing a bit o’ ankle and an uncovered neck was enough to be considered sexy. Just one more reason to be glad you don’t live in the olden times. Well, that, and typhoid and amoebic dysentery. If it’s largely eradicated communicable diseases you want, just try visiting India. The CDC says they got a lot of that over there.

With Josh Brolin:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jennifer Aniston jetted off to Los Cabos, Mexico to celebrate her 41st birthday with her standard crew of dried-up old birds this past weekend, but there was something different this time… something with a penis. Gasp! People Magazine says

She had a surprise birthday guest: Gerard Butler, her costar in the upcoming comedy, The Bounty Hunter.

Aniston flew a large group of pals including Butler, Courtney Cox and Sheryl Crow to the One & Only Palmilla resort Thursday evening where the group is staying in a beautiful waterfront villa.

There’s a name for the fine line between “perinnial bachelorette looking for a fling” and “hiring a male prostitute because you’re a lonely divorcée who divides her time between mahjong and canasta with the girls and drawing mustaches and horns on pictures of your ex-husband’s new wife,” and the name of that line is Gerard Butler. Frankly, it’s all downhill from there.

Lots more pics after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

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There’s no denying that a sex tape starring presidential hopeful John Edwards and former campaign worker Rielle Hunter exists — Big Brother has gotten its hands on it. The NY Post says

The tape shows Edwards in a sexual encounter with a pregnant woman believed to be Hunter.

According to an affidavit filed by [Edwards' longtime aide Andrew Young] last night, the original sex tape is in an Atlanta safety-deposit box. Another copy has been turned over to the FBI.

And right there, boys and girls, are your tax dollars hard at work. Operative word being “hard.” Bow-chicka-wow-wow!