I feel like I’ve been apologizing a lot to you guys lately, because posting’s been a little irregular at best the last day two days week, and I’ve got no one to blame but myself. Well, myself, and also the jerks down at Landry’s Wholesale Fireworks. It’s really not my fault that an entire row of single-fuse repeaters were right at cigarette-level. Nor is it my fault that Axe Body Spray has chemical properties of a class 4 accelerant. But you know how people love to point fingers.

So, anyway, here’s a picture of Michelle Williams and Sarah Silverman totally naked in “Take this Waltz.” You’re probably still mad at me and all, but it’s a start. And there’s plenty more Michelle Williams/Sarah Silverman nudity to be had below. I even disguised the NSFW screen caps as puppy pictures so it could be our little secret. Face it — nobody will ever take care of you like me, baby. We’re good together. That’s why we can’t break up. And also because I will hunt you down and kill you if you ever try to leave me again. I have your IP addresses, you know!

NSFW screen caps from Take this Waltz:

Aishwarya Rai needs to hit the treadmill instead of the red carpet. Or get a prescription for Adderall like the rest of Hollywood’s new mommies. (Moe Jackson)

Robert Pattinson refused to go full frontal in “Cosmoplis.” If only he’d had the balls to refuse a role in a movie called “Cosmopolis.” (The Blemish)

Britney Spears’ X Factor rider includes everything you’d think — Snickers, Co’ Cola, dresses with a minimum of 85% spandex fabric content. (Celebitchy)

I’m a sucker for Eastern Bloc women — meet Nadia Vieria and her lovely communist underpants. (G Celeb)

Charlize Theron reveals her baby daddy! (The Stir)

Sometimes Hilary Rhoda looks like a man, and sometimes she looks like the most beautiful woman on the planet. She’s your classic Seinfeld two-face. (Hollywood Rag)

Reaction gifs are always funny, especially if there’s crying involved. (Caveman Circus)

So there were a bunch of D-list reality show stars whose names aren’t important enough for me to remember at the Maxim Hot 100 party. Whee. (COED Magazine)

Kim Kardashian and her sad attempts to dress like a lady. A lady of the night, maybe. Even super-expensive designer clothes look cheap on her. (INF Daily)

Because I hate you with a fiery passion: Snooki and JWoww, the extended trailer. (Evil Beet)

Interestingly, this monstrosity of a dress looks equally hideous on Kelly Ripa, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Kate Reardon. Ugly like that is universal! (Bitten & Bound)

Just a random collection of awesome things, because I’m a big subscriber to chaos theory. Also I’m high. (Ned Hardy)

Attention ladies — if you want to have sex with a man tonight, this is how you do it. Act like a fucking retard and don’t wear underpants. I just saved you a solid three hours of witty repartee and the inconvenience of having to remove your undergarments in the backseat of a Honda Civic. (Jezebel)

Jenna Jameson was arrested on suspicion of DUI early this morning after her drunk ass plowed into a streetlight. TMZ says:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the porn queen was involved in a single car accident at around 1:30 AM after her car struck a light pole.

Jameson showed signs of possibly being under the influence of alcohol and was given a field sobriety test… [and] was subsequently arrested for misdemeanor suspicion of DUI.

Law enforcement officials say Jenna sustained minor injuries in the crash … but refused medical treatment.

I’m sure being Jenna Jameson, you can’t pass a giant pole without wanting to wrap something around it. In this case, it just happened to be her car instead of an orifice. Zing!

Celebrating her 38th birthday at Tao last month (it seems porn and crystal meth aren’t the fountain of youth I was lead to believe):

Britney Spears reportedly stormed off the set of “X Factor” yesterday after a contestant “butchered” one of her songs. I’ll pause here for your perfunctory snorts of disgust. TMZ says:

Britney Spears walked off the set of “X Factor” moments ago … and according to several people in the audience, she was upset after a contestant butchered her song, “Hold It Against Me.”

Britney did not come back immediately … and four contestants auditioned in front of the remaining judges … and an empty seat.

Tell me — how does one “butcher” a Britney Spears song, exactly? You can’t murder that which has already been killed. Science says so.

Looking not a day over 45:

That’s not sexy bondage wear or electrical tape on Michelle Rodriguez — that’s a flesh-toned bikini trimmed in black. It took me a couple of hours, but I figured it out when there weren’t any nipples or genital definition. Which, incidentally, marks the first time I’ve ever used term “genital definition” in a public forum without somebody pepper spraying me. I think I might be well on my way to finally bucking that trend!

The National Enquirer got its hands on some pics of John Travolta in full drag at an L.A. party back in 1997, exactly six years after he’d married current wife Kelly Preston. Yeeeah… you do the math. The Daily Mail says:

The magazine claims that his wife of over twenty years has left him in the wake of his cross-dressing scandal.

A ‘friend’ of the actress’ says: “Kelly told me their marriage is over and made it clear that she’s no longer living in the family home.”

“She’s put up with John’s double life for decades while his behavior remained in the shadows… but all this coming out in public has humiliated her. Kelly is absolutely destroyed.”

I don’t know what should upset Kelly more — the gay sexual assault lawsuits, the cross-dressing, or the fact that he starred in and help produce “Battlefield Earth.” That’s like approaching the American public anus-first. You never fully recover from that.

A nice helping of WTF? for your hump day. (Caveman Circus)

Kristen Stewart is wearing a bra now, but she won’t be for long. But will she ever figure out she can breathe through her nose instead of just her mouth? We may never know! (Fleshbot)

Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton manage to avoid each other while partying on P. Diddy’s yacht. (INF Daily)

Tara Reid has a sixty-year-old boyfriend who speaks French! At least, I think that’s what’s happening here. I’ll be honest, it was all in a foreign language. (Hollywood PQ)

Snooki reveals she’s having a boy. We can only hope his mom’s constant tanning and ball sweat consumption will render him sterile. (Hollywood Rag)

Jessica Alba goes all 1984 on your ass. Swatch watch and Coca-Cola rugby sold separately. (Moe Jackson)

I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason this Hooters Southeast Regional Bikini Competition contestant is wielding a chainsaw. Maybe there’s a talent portion. (Busted Coverage)

Eva Mendes busted wearing the same outfit twice in one week! Big deal. I once wore the same pair of pants five days in a row. (Celeb Slam)

Cameron Diaz is DRUUUUUUUUNK, but I still don’t find her attractive. Beer goggles don’t work in reverse. (The Blemish)

Anderson Cooper kicks The Human Barbie off his stage on his new show after she talks about giving her daughter Botox and plastic surgery coupons. (Celebitchy)

Minka Kelly and Matthew McConaughey will play the sexy version of John and Jackie Kennedy.
(ONTD)

Olympian Lolo Jones finds being a virgin harder than the hurdles. She must be doing it wrong. (Bitten & Bound)

The cast of Snow White and the Huntsman tap into erotica by reading “50 Shades of Grey” aloud. (Evil Beet)

Yes, yes and yes: Malin Akerman in a bikini for Shape magazine. (G Celeb)

Kirsten Dunst and Kristen Stewart posed on the red carpet in Cannes yesterday at the premiere of their new movie “On the Road,” which from the looks of it is the story of a couple of Gorgon sisters minus the all-seeing eyeball. Pass.

Ugly squared:

I could really use your help here, guys — I’m trying to decide which of these shots of Kate Upton I should photoshop my face onto for my new eHarmony profile pic. Right now I’m torn between three and eight. But then nine really speaks to me, too. It says, “I’ve been banned from Christian Mingle.com three times” and “I’ll fake a pregnancy.” But is that really the message I want to send here? Discuss.

For her Beach Bunny Bronze line:

This dress will do, I guess, if you don’t have any bright yellow police tape to cordon off your boobs and some of those flashing orange and white cones they use in highway construction zones to mount under either armpit. Frankly, with a dress like that, it’d almost be rude not to look at her tits.

Glee’s Lea Michele on Letterman last night:

It’s hard to mess up huge boobs, but that is definitely not Kelly Brook’s best angle. She looks like she should be lumbering out of the Limpopo to wallow in some lakeshore mud. And before you get your panties in a twist and start huffing about unrealistic body standards and the misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy, I’m NOT calling her fat. I’m saying that particular angle makes her look fat. Geez. Way to ruin it for everybody. I see we’ve arrived at Bitter and Chunky Town, Population: YOU.

An old video of Beyonce explaining the finer point of playing pool goes viral. (The Daily Stab)

All the Irina Shayk you cannes stand at the Cannes Film Festival. See what I did there? I should probably go lay down now. World play that obscure can really tire a girl out. (Moe Jackson)

Miranda Kerr in Numero Tokyo magazine, which sounds like a magical amalgamation of Latino flair and Japanese excess but really isn’t. (Celebs)

Brad Pitt brings “Killing Me Softly” to Cannes, which I assume is just the name of his version of Blue Steel. (Bitten & Bound)

Kelly Clarkson’s boyfriend is ruining her creativity. And her chances of not losing her legs to type II diabetes. (Hollywood Rag)

Tallulah Morton is topless in Elle France, but I didn’t check out the pics because she looks about 14. (G Celeb)

Taylor Swift camel toe. Don’t be jealous of the tastefulness and finery this job affords me. (Celeb Jihad)

Jennifer Garner’s short film “Serena” only features her from the neck up. (The Stir)

Plus-size model Candice Huffine looks just like VS model Adriana Lima plus forty extra pounds, but she’s naked, so I’m sure you’ll make do. (Skinny vs Curvy)

The trailer for Baz Luhrmann’s “Great Gatsby” looks exactly the way you’d expect a Baz Luhrmann Great Gatsby trailer to look. (Pajiba)

Because who doesn’t love a good photobomb or twenty? (COED Magazine)

Someone stole Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen’s duck pout and RuPaul’s eyebrows! (Caveman Circus)

Ha ha — Sean Penn cries during his Today Show interview. And then probably bitch slaps Ann Curry off camera for making eye contact while he wept. (Celebitchy)

Let’s all take a trip down Gisele Bundchen lane. (Use My Computer)