It looks like Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are getting married or engaged. I couldn’t care less, Eva is nothing but an overrated skinny rodent. [Hollywoodtuna]

Pete Doherty assaulted the paparazzi this weekend. Because he had to find a different way to celebrate Easter. [A Socialite's Life]

Who the hell is Charlotte Church? I heard she’s some kind of opera singing chick but all I ever saw is her butt. Now my question is: does she actually have a mouth or does she sing with her asshole? [The Bastardly]

An ol’ friend of mine told me he coudn’t find any pictures of Scarlett Johansson in a bikini. I told him I would find some and post them on my site. He said that it would be awesome. I know I do awesome things and people always say they can’t thank me enough. They’re right: that’s not enough. That’s why before posting these pictures, I asked my friend to lick my feet. Because I’m the greatest pirate alive. Build a statue of myself, worship it and I’ll show you Jessica Alba’s pussy.

More boobies after the jump.

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That’s what her former flame, Calvin Klein model Jenny Shimizu, revealed in a new interview with Britain’s News of the World magazine.

“I was her first,” Shimizu says of the sapphic sex-up. “And although she’s having a baby with Brad [Pitt], I doubt I’ll be the last. She loves women too much. It’s like a drug and she was hooked.” There’s more: “She has a body which just makes you gasp and shudder with lust - so slender but with the most incredible, perfect curvy boobs,” says shameless Shimizu. “And her amazing skin is so soft to touch. But it’s her mouth that made me beg for more - kissing me slowly and passionately with those full lips over every inch of my body.”

I have to admit that, though I like her pillowy lips, I’m a bit scared of them. I mean, those lips could suck up an entire planet. Just like the Death Star.

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Avril Lavigne is shorter than Prince, makes shitty music, is engaged to a fag, has vampire teeth, is a fake punk rocker and is pale. But I’d still hit it. Because she’s ridiculously hot.

More pics after the jump

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In his latest interview with GQ magazine, Tom Cruise reveals that he’s planning to eat his new baby’s placenta. He says:

“I’m gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

This is as tantalizing as smoking your own shit like a Cuban cigar. I really feel sorry for Katie Holmes.

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There will be no posts today because I’m too busy eating the Easter eggs my children found in the garden yesterday. See you tomorrow, mighty pirates. Arrr!

Carmen Electra rides the Sybian on Howard Stern, our bastardly friends got the video and the whole thing is pretty exciting. [The Bastardly]

Avril Lavigne loves her stripes. I love her petite body. It’s a wonderful day, everybody says yeeeah! [Hollywoodtuna]

Nick Lachey says he still loves Jessica Simpson, even if she’s probably having sex with the whole Jackass crew as I write this. [The Post Chronicle]

Why the hell do you have to be naked to promote a camera? Do I run around naked when I take pictures? I’m not Terry Richardson, goddamnit.

More nonsense after the jump.

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Before becoming the homewrecker that stupid Jennifer Aniston’s fans love to hate and an UN ambassador, Angelina Jolie was once a big-eyed, sweet-faced teenager. The above picture of Angelina Jolie, taken in 1989, should put to rest rumors that her pillowy lips are collagen-enhanced.

Australian pop star Kylie Minogue is slowly recovering after winning her battle against breast cancer. These beautiful pictures were taken by her boyfriend Olivier Martinez in the Italian village of Portofino, where she is staying as guest of fashion designers Dolce and Gabbanna to rest. Let’s hope she’ll be back soon to kick the ass of Madonna in the charts.

One more pic after the jump.

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Wednesday episode of “South Park” was supposed to contain a scene of the Muslim prophet Muhammad, in reference to the famous Danish Muhammad image that caused Islamic zealots to indulge in rioting, arson, and murder throughout the Islamic world. Instead, the episode featured an image of Jesus Christ defecating on President Bush and the American flag. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, were indeed censored by Comedy Central. MSNBC reports:

Comedy Central said in a statement issued Thursday: “In light of recent world events, we feel we made the right decision.” Its executives would not comment further. As is often the case with Parker and Stone, they built “South Park” around the incident. In Wednesday’s episode, the character Kyle is shown trying to persuade a Fox network executive to air an uncensored “Family Guy” even though it had an image of Muhammad. “Either it’s all OK, or none of it is,” Kyle said. “Do the right thing.” The executive decides to strike a blow for free speech and agrees to show it. But at the point where Muhammad is to be seen, the screen is filled with the message: “Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Muhammad on their network.” It is followed shortly by an image of Jesus Christ defecating on President Bush and the American flag.

Once again, Trey and Matt prove that you can make fun of everything, but not with everyone. Because some people still live in the Middle Ages.

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While Beyonce is enjoying a holiday in Miami with Jay-Z, she could face a lawsuit. If, like me, you dont give a shit, just stare at the pics. [A Socialite's Life]

Lindsay Lohan got waxed. The funny thing is that her wax figure doesn’t look anything like her. Except for the bones. [Hollywoodtuna]

Rob Schneider and Vanessa Minnillo are both 50% Filipino. So if they have sex together that makes them 100% Filipino. [The Bastardly]