Brandon Davis asked Lindsay Lohan, aka “Firecrotch,” to forgive him for his hateful tirade in which he joked about her private parts as Paris Hilton laughed like a little school boy.

“My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable,” Davis says in a statement that sounds like he had some help in writing. “What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week.”

Hey, Brandon, you’re a shitfaced bastard and a douchebag. Oh, and you’re so fat that when you fart the earth quakes. So, will you be my friend?

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