Lindsay Lohan has made a new enemy out of the chauffeur who found her missing Hermes bag earlier this month. The overpriced purse was returned to her with her million dollar’s worth of jewelry, her asthma medicine, and probably her sizable stash of cocaine intact, but Lindsay didn’t bother to send a thank-you note or a make gracious phone call to the driver. He told Page Six:

“They haven’t gotten back to me. Not a word. [Lindsay]… was pleased to get the bag back - it was full of diamonds and bracelets and necklaces. But it’s really disappointing. I’d like to hear from her with maybe just a ‘thanks very much.’ Her people took my address and phone number and said they’d be in touch. I know these stars need a good looking-after, but she could have easily just spoke to me on the phone.”

Lohan’s publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik’s response to her client’s egregious social faux-pas? Accusing the chaffeur of wanting “free publicity using Lindsay’s name,” of course. I know that the driver was kind enough to return the bag; I just hope he was smart enough to take a dump in it first. Ungrateful cooze.

Meanwhile, Lohan’s attempted reconciliation with Paris Hilton was lost on sister Nicky, who walked over to Lindsay with Brandon Davis at the Teen Vogue party at the Sunset Tower and yelled,

“Let’s make up. We don’t want to fight anymore . . . firecrotch! Hahahahahaha!”

Hahahahahahahaha! Firecrotch! Psych! I’m currently in the process of making my own “Everybody Hates Lindsay Lohan” club, and the chauffeur and Nicky Hilton just joined the ranks. Naturally, there will be some hazing and some club dues and stuff, but it’ll all work itself out in the end. And it’s gonna be awesome. I have a kick-ass treehouse with a rope swing and everything, and I made several life size posters of the firecrotch that we can all draw moustaches on. And I tricked out my ten-speed and made a sign that says “No Lindsay Lohan Allowed” with a big circle with a line through it. Yeah, it’s pretty cool. I bet you wish you had thought of it first.

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