Photographer Larry Birkhead filed a paternity suit on Monday against ex-girlfriend Anna Nicole Smith. Perez Hilton claims that Birkhead makes several stunning accusations against the former Playboy playmate in the suit, namely:

-That [Anna Nicole] was taking methadone and that her attorney and “boyfriend” – Howard K. Stern – has been facilitating her habit. Methadone is the… pain medication that was found in the body of Anna’s deceased son, Daniel.

- That [Anna Nicole fled] to the Bahamas to keep her baby from being tested for drugs.

- That Stern is claiming to be Dannielynn’s father for his own financial gain, and… that [Anna Nicole] had asked a third unidentified man to say that he was the father of her child – a plan which didn’t work out because the man had already had a vasectomy.

Birkhead requested in his petition that Smith and her daughter undergo drug testing.

Rumors are swirling that Anna Nicole and her lawyer staged their “committment ceremony” for the potentially lucrative photo ops; People magazine coughed up nearly a million dollars for the phony marriage pics. Not to mention that Anna Nicole made over $650,000 selling the photos and exclusive interview rights regarding her son’s death to other media outlets only seven days after his passing.

The only thing that could possibly make Anna Nicole seem any worse would be for her to rip off a mask and reveal that she was really Adolf Hilter. And that she was responsible for the extinction of the unicorn. And that she eats baby koalas for breakfast and just raped your mother with a strap-on made of fossilized dung. Yeah, it sounds horrible, but you never know what she might do next. The bitch is crazy.

One more classy shot of Anna Nicole after the jump.