I was browsing through yesterday’s Scientology Times, looking in the classifieds for a good deal on used e-meter, when I stumbled across a little blurb about actor Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes finally setting a date for their weddding. Okay, it wasn’t really the Scientology Times; it was actually just a copy of People magazine that I’d taped over with pictures of spaceships and decorated with glitter glue.  Anyway, the article read:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will get married in Italy on Nov. 18, Cruise’s rep confirms to PEOPLE.  “In many ways,” he added, “we feel like we already are married. I know I’m with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. So the wedding – that’s just the party.”

… Longtime friend Giorgio Armani [will] design the attire for the wedding.

A fall wedding in Italy!  How exciting.  I’m really hoping to get an invitation.  That’s why I made my very own “Scientology Times” to carry around with me.  And it’s also why I told that lady on the bus that she was ‘glib’ and then dumped her medication on the ground.  Anything to get in Tom’s good graces, you know.  Although it turned out the lady was actually taking antibiotics, not antidepressants, and I remembered this morning that one of the conditions of my house arrest is not leaving the state of Virginia.  Scoring an invite will be trickier than I expected, but don’t think I’m giving up on it just yet.  That’s why I bought a gun.