Kelly Clarkson, Beefcake
The original American Idol Kelly Clarkson sang at Tony Bennett’s 80th birthday celebration in Hollywood last week. I mean, I guess she sang. Provided all that extra fat she’s packed on didn’t turn the song into garbled nonsensical mush. Which it probably didn’t, because Aretha Franklin can still sing, and she could fit two of Kelly under her right tit and you’d never be the wiser. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still baffle me, though. I’m always surprised when discernible words emerge from a fat person’s mouth. I always expect a kind of Fat Albert/Cookie Monster/bleating goat noise instead, and then when actual words come out I can’t help but jab a few fingers into the extra chins and folds of flesh around their throats and say, “How the fuck are you doing that?” It’s one of life’s great mysteries. You probably already guessed that I’m a real hit at parties.
More pics of the zaftig Kelly after the jump.
49 Comments, Comment or Ping
m
U R so mean! But funny too. She does look heavier than she did this summer.
Nov 13th, 2006
Walrus Gumboot
To me Kelly Clarkson was cute for like 10 minutes after she won American Idol, and I’ve NEVER watched the show!
Nov 13th, 2006
Litelysalted
At least her dress is pretty. Although I’ve been known to have my taste put into question from you people…
Nov 13th, 2006
Walrus Gumboot
I would like my penis Litelysalted.
Nov 13th, 2006
Evil Twin
You must be a friggin’ pixie if you think she is fat. Why don’t you go force yourself to vomit - - oh wait, you probably did that twice already today.
Nov 13th, 2006
Queenofcrazy
Way to perpetuate the same old warn out Hollywood perception that if you don’t look like a mop handle with fun bags that you’re a fatty! Kelly looks healthy and normal, way to go, Miss Clarkson!
Nov 13th, 2006
audrey
I agree with Queen. Seems to me there has been a lot of discussion around how skinny Nicole Richie, Kate Bosworth, and Keira Knightly have gotten, and then you post nastiness about someone who is by no means fat.
Nov 13th, 2006
Krizzatch
She is packing on the pounds.
Tony B. seems to agree though, because he’s hangin’ on to Lil’ Mark Anthony like grim death in that last picture. Kelly’s on the outside of that circle where her chunkalicious self should be.
Even so, I’d still treat her to a Krizzatch hair pie. Don’t worry Kelly, it’s fat free!
Nov 13th, 2006
sonya
I agree with litelysalted, I covet that dress.
Nov 13th, 2006
abby
I agree with myself, she’s a big fat fatty.
Nov 13th, 2006
Deb
You only think she looks fat because she is standing next to a poor excuse of a man. I swear JLo must hurt him if she’s on top.
Nov 13th, 2006
Walrus Gumboot
Krizzatch, I can attest to you vagina being fat free!
Slurp! Slurp!
Attest:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/attest
Nov 13th, 2006
abby
I have it on good authority that Marc Anthony is actually a certified goblin.
Nov 13th, 2006
Jenn
She has always had sort of pudgy upper arms, but I would not call her fat.
Nov 13th, 2006
jrzmommy
The Fat Albert/Cookie Monster/bleating goat thing…..that’s fucking hilarious. I’m so glad that the Ferret heads turned me on to Yeeeah.
Nov 13th, 2006
Kristin
“I’m always surprised when discernible words emerge from a fat person’s mouth. I always expect a kind of Fat Albert/Cookie Monster/bleating goat noise instead, and then when actual words come out I can’t help but jab a few fingers into the extra chins and folds of flesh around their throats and say, “How the fuck are you doing that?” It’s one of life’s great mysteries. You probably already guessed that I’m a real hit at parties.”
Wow what a rapier wit and clever mind you do possess to come up with such biting social commentary. I am sure the fifth graders at your local elementary school appreciate you using their material on your blog. You should ask them to write some caustic yet brilliant commentary about black people, Jews, cripples, fags, and other groups that could benefit from your hilarious comedy stylings.
Nov 13th, 2006
Maryscott OConnor
You know, I think she’d look better with a few pounds off.
But FAT? Come on. That’s absurd. She’s a healthy weight. She doesn’t look lithe, let along stick-thin, and perhaps that’s the reason behind your misapprehension. Real female human beings are SUPPOSED to carry body fat. It is their biological imperative. The absurd, moribund “ideal” to which people like you think women ought to adhere is the reason there are so many pitifully weak anorexics staggering out of auditions in this town.
Nov 13th, 2006
coalharbourqt
What a misogynistic bunch of crap that is (yes it’s a word - look it up peabrain)- and then we wonder why 70% of NINE YEAR OLDS think they should be on a diet and half of the women in Hollywood are on death’s doorstep from an eating disorder. Kelly Clarkson is a perfectly normal size and takes a kickboxing trainer with her on tour to stay in shape. She looks great and refuses to starve herself for your pathetic edification. I for one won’t be back to your blog ever again - loser! Keep it up and soon no one will read you.
Nov 13th, 2006
WTF
You FUCKING LOSER ASSHOLE!!! So sad that you are seething with envy to post something like this. What a truly pathetic life you must lead. I believe Kristin said it best… thanks Kristin!
Nov 13th, 2006
Zanna
Oh, LIGHTEN UP. Pun Intended. These posts are intended to be entertaining and if anyone would come to a celebrity blog to weave it into their moral tapestry, is pathetic.
Kristin is fat. I can tell.
Nov 13th, 2006
abby
Fat girls always get so huffy. Even the ones in the fifth grade.
P.S. Using the word “misogynistic” makes you sound like a big fat fatty.
Nov 13th, 2006
Kristin
wow zanna. “weave it into their moral tapestry.” It has nothing to do with morals…if the weight commentary had some intelligence and creativity to it, I would laugh. Just marveling at the fact that the comments the blogger made about weight were the best he/she/it could come up with. Just really trite, boring, tired…
Nov 13th, 2006
Zanna
Yea, maybe it would have been better if she suggested Kelly Clarkson blow her head off with a 12-guage to lose a quick 10 pounds. Would that satisfy your “craving” for something better? No, wait don’t tell me..you’d need butter for that.
Nov 13th, 2006
Walrus Gumboot
You people are taking this FAT stuff waaaayyy to serious. That’s Abbys ‘rapist’ wit. It’s what she does. It’s her ’schticked’. Read some of the other threads in the archives. She hilarious!
All you bleeding heart Kelly Clarkson fans posted your say and I’m sure Abby appreciates your input. Come back tomorrow and see a whole slew of other celebs get lambasted.
Lambasted:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lambasted.
Nov 13th, 2006
Zanna
And before ANYONE tells Wally he’s wrong with “rapist’s wit”..he’s right. Any true fan of Abby’s would know it’s “rapist” not “rapier”. Gaaaawd.
Nov 13th, 2006
Susan
Oh my god! She’s NOT fat!
Hey folks– meet the reason young girls have eating disorders— this prick!
Nov 13th, 2006
berta
please - she looks great….
Nov 13th, 2006
What the fuck??
Holy fuck?? This is supposed to be fat now? And what, Nicole Richie is fucking fit as a fiddle? Something is seriously fucking wrong with the world man, and your warped brain. I hope climate change is as bad as everyone says it is because I don’t think the human race deserves to be around anymore, especially not when whoever wrote this fucking brilliant comment is the result of 150,000 years of evolution.
Nov 14th, 2006
abby
The sad truth is that Americans are now three sizes larger than they were fifty years ago. I don’t care who coddled you and tried to bolster your self-esteem by telling you that you were “healthy” and “robust” — fat is fat. I guarantee you that a doctor would tell her that her Body Mass Index isn’t falling within the accepted range. She’s certainly not obese — I’m not saying that — but she’s not fit, either. So suck it up, you fatass crybaby bitches.
Nov 14th, 2006
nrrvus
18.5 to 24.9 bmi is normal and considered fit, Abby is right , we have simply moved the yard sticks in terms in acceptability in the U.S. to fit our ever increasing waistlines.
I would guess Kelly is well above 24.9
Nov 14th, 2006
What the fuck??
Yeah, well apparently not only are Americans fat, they’re also retarded, as our lovely Abby so pointedly illustrates. Ok these girls are fat http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com/images/2/fullbody/49.jpg
Kelly Clarkson, or whoever the fuck she is, is not fat. Choke on your low-carb protein bar Abby.
Nov 14th, 2006
Tine
I love you Abby! Kelly does look fat.
Nov 14th, 2006
abby
I love you too, Tine and nrrvus! Let’s revel in our superior svelteness.
Nov 14th, 2006
Amber
Kelly Clarkson is not fat! She’s normal. And she still sings great so it shouldn’t matter.
Nov 14th, 2006
Kim
Abby,
Nov 14th, 2006
Petey B
i would do ‘er
seriusly, kelly, look me up
Dec 5th, 2006
jayme
Seriously…I love Kelly Clarkson. At least she doesn’t look like th rest of the anorexic bitches out there! We should support her for looking healthy. What is she a size 6…give me a break!!! Not everyone can be a size 0! Grow up!
Dec 13th, 2006
Reina
i saw her live and up close and personal and she’s REALLY not big. She may not be photogenic, but she’s tiny. Like 5′2 or something and she does have a JLO butt, but she was pretty small.
Dec 19th, 2006
Jake
What’s the name of the screaming dinosaur with stubby arms, flat chest, and big ass? That’s Clarkson. The gal is chubby and oddly proportioned. She gives me the creeps. After Clay Aiken, she’s the biggest “What da funk?” to come out of American Idol.
Jan 1st, 2007
jezzeca
Abby,
You are a very blind and stupid person. She is at a very healthy weight and she is very beautiful.
Mar 13th, 2007
Gloria
Abby,
I’ve been searching the blog and haven’t found any pictures of your rockin’ bod and beautiful face. Please post–we need more role models like you. Considering that you aren’t blessed with wit or engaging writing skills, it’s fortunate that you look good enough to pass judgement on a talented girl who has a few extra curves.
Apr 2nd, 2007
Fatboy Slim
SHE IS A FAT ASS! SHE COULD SKIP A COUPLE OF MEALS. AND HOW ABOUT BREAST IMPLANTS? NOT TOO BIG…JUST MAYBE GET THEM TO AN A CUP!
May 19th, 2007
demonstar
Totally a fat ass. they had her on Music on demand on the cable channel where she was taped at a recent concert. Ass has its own zipcode. You dont have to be cute to sing, but to be honest her voice wasnt all that great sooooooo her voice exercises must be with her body exercises, on the couch drowning in a big tub of ben and jerrys
Jun 12th, 2007
Ashlyn
Wow, your are a disgusting bastard. Its people like you that cause people everyday to develop eating disorders. you should be ashamed.
Jun 18th, 2007
Juan
I won’t comment on her music, physicaly she is near perfect for a woman. That is, as judged by a man who is attracted to women. Atractive, sustainably so.
Jul 12th, 2007
Lipidity
Look real closely at the pictures…the microphone has a bite taken out of it!
Aug 6th, 2007
Syphilis Man!
God damn, you must zoned off coke calling her fat. I’d definately pipe that before I’d pipe some of the “attractive” stars like Angelina Jolie. Keep up the teenage bitch additude abby, it makes you look like so much better of a person.
In fact, why don’t we make a blog about how fat you are and how horribly you can sing?
P.S. If you are going to call me fat, go right ahead. I know its not true so it doesnt affect me. So go choke down some more sausage grease, porky. Don’t forget your cowbell and harness either.
Aug 17th, 2007
FESTUS
Why is it that as soon as people see a real woman they start crying about how fat she is?Have the Hollywood fags conditioned the whole country to believe the zombie/bobblehead look(check out Jessica Alba)is somehow sexy.Gimme hips,not hipbones and if other guys can;t figure out what to do with Kelly’s big butt,send her to me,stand back and watch.
Sep 14th, 2007
PelePainleday
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
Dec 17th, 2007
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