The American Music Awards were last night, and even though I detest pop music and pop stars and pop culture in general, I made a concerted effort to sit through the entire 72 hour show just so you bastards could get an unbiased review. “Concerted effort” of course meaning “fifteen minutes of drinking Southern Comfort straight from the bottle until my eye started twitching, then turning off the TV, putting in my ‘Bob Seger Live’ and doing a couple of bong hits before I passed out on the couch.” Lucky for you the good folks at People magazine are immune to crap, because they stuck it out and had this to say about last night’s awards:

The [Black-Eyed] Peas took home three awards, more than any other artist, winning best rap/hip-hop album, best rap/hip-hop group, and best soul/R&B group. The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige and Rascal Flatts took home two awards apiece. Other award winners included Nickelback, Faith Hill, Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, Eminem, Sean Paul, Shakira, and Kirk Franklin. American Idol winner Carrie Underwood was named best new breakthrough artist.

Blah, blah, blah. What you really want to know: who had the ugliest dresses? I’m exceptionally good at pointing out other people’s flaws and shortcomings, so the “worst dressed” bit is right up my alley.

More fugliness after the jump.

First up: Beyonce.

Is she masquerading as a mermaid? How much does that thing weight? Green eyeshadow? Ugh, excessive. In case of inclement weather her dress could always be fashioned into a tent, so points for the Boy Scout factor.

Next: Ashlee Simpson

I could give a shit about that dress. What we’re all wondering instead — what the fuck is wrong with her face?! Did she get stung by a wasp? Is she allergic to peanuts? Why has she stopped washing her hair? Did she have her wisdom teeth removed? ONE SIDE OF HER FACE IS HIGHER THAN THE OTHER! Not good.

On the topic of swollen cheeks, here’s JoJo.

She should have done something about that jawline. Like not squirrel away nuts in her cheeks before the shoot. Or stop with the testosterone therapy already. Nice work with the Bedazzler, though. Pink + rhinestones = classy red carpet wear.

Next: Nicole Richie

The dress is one chiffon tutu away from being an ice-skater’s ensemble, but I can forgive that. It’s having to see that much skeleton cleavage. Barf. It’s like a pair of stretched out old gym socks that got wadded into a shelf bra and put on display for an unsuspecting public.

Last up: Gwen Stefani

Hey Gwen — the 70’s and “Scarface” called… and they want to punch you in the face and stab you in the kidneys. That’s how that joke goes, right? Something like that.

Stayed tuned for the sexiest dress of the AMA’s in Part Two of Yeeeah!’s AMA Review.