Dec 4, 200618

Renee Zellweger at the “Miss Potter” Premiere

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Since every living human being on the planet has read “The DaVinci Code,” I expect that most of you have at least a rudimentary knowledge of “the divine proportion.” Basically, everything in nature — the human face included — can be dissected into corresponding proportional lengths, and plugging your measurements into the golden ratio can statistically determine whether you fall into the “cannon of beauty” or the “cannon of ugliness.” Golden Museum says:

Besides the altitude of the face (up to the hair roots) falls into the vertical distance between the brow arc and the chin bottom as the distance between the nose bottom and the chin bottom falls into the distance between the lip line and the chin bottom; this ratio is equal to the golden proportion.

Blah, blah, blah. So, I plugged in the dimensions of Renee Zellweger’s face from the “Miss Potter” premiere in London into the golden proportion and did a little math, which looked like this:

\varphi=1+2\sin(\pi/10)=1+2\sin 18^\circ\,

\varphi={1 \over 2}\csc(\pi/10)={1 \over 2}\csc 18^\circ

\varphi=2\cos(\pi/5)=2\cos 36^\circ\,

And a little more math:

If x agrees with \varphi to n decimal places, then \frac{x^2+2x}{x^2+1} agrees with it to 2n decimal places.

-\varphi=\sin666^\circ+\cos(6\cdot 6 \cdot 6^\circ).

And the irrefutable conclusion: Renee Zellweger is ugly. I did the fucking math right there. And you can’t argue with math, baby. I ended up with three sixes at the end. That’s the mark of the beast. I had only seen “unholy ugly” once or twice in my life, on Whoopi Goldberg and Bruce Vilanch, so this was a very exciting discovery indeed. You can expect these startling results in several of next month’s premiere science journals. Or at least on some picket signs I impaled in my neighbor’s front lawn.

More of the “cannon of ugliness” after the jump.

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18 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. BarbaboSlim

    Huh, remember that guy from Micronesia who almost died of exhaustion while trying to pinch a nasty loaf??!?!?! His face was disfigured. Of course you do, who the hell doesn’t!

    Well, she’s that guy.

    Dec 4th, 2006

  2. Walrus Gumboot

    Damn Abby, you are a “three holer”!

    You’re hot!

    You have a ‘rapists’ wit!

    And your a math wiz!

    Any chance you will be divorcing old ’sailor boy’ soon? :)

    Dec 4th, 2006

  3. mike

    So god really does hate ugly,wow.

    http://celebriteaze.blogspot.com

    Dec 4th, 2006

  4. Zanna

    Abby is mine, Wally. I saw her first.

    Dec 4th, 2006

  5. oshkoshisawesome

    You don’t all that fancy math-writin to tell if a girl is ugly, just put her next to me. If she cries, she’s ugly. If she tears out her own eyes to spite her face, she’s average. If she bursts into flames and her ashes sink into the ground while the sound of banshees wailing can be heard afar in the distance, then she was pretty hot – until she saw me.

    I feel sorry for you bitches.

    Dec 4th, 2006

  6. Walrus Gumboot

    Oshy, I agree with what you are saying!

    I’ve masturbated to your picture, thrice!

    Dec 4th, 2006

  7. oshkoshisawesome

    I like that the total stranger who touches their penis while looking at me uses words like “thrice”.

    But then again, I’m an insecure slut.

    Dec 4th, 2006

  8. layla

    I don’t get it. Renne isn’t ugly to me at all. And I’m not even a fan of hers. I just don’t see that she’s ugly. :s

    Dec 4th, 2006

  9. oshkoshisawesome

    That’s because you are a hideous, fat ogre.

    Dec 4th, 2006

  10. momly

    She looks like she’s about to spit.

    Dec 4th, 2006

  11. Walrus Gumboot

    Oshy, I’m not a TOTAL stranger!

    Dec 5th, 2006

  12. D.

    I think all of you are incredibly fucking funny. :-) :-) :-)

    Dec 5th, 2006

  13. lover

    I wouldn’t kick her out of bed…..

    Dec 5th, 2006

  14. tball-hall

    Listen, ever been to a club in So.Central L.A. at 3:30 am….when the “ugly lights come on…NOW THAT”S FREAKING UGLY!!! The only thing I am geting here is somebody is real jealous. She is hot..always has been. She is that chick back in high school that “looked approachable”, but when you got close to her your “mental edit button” kicked in and you quickly realized unless you asked some moronic question like…”could I copy your notes, you were in touble (I know run on sentence). Anyway, R. baby, I would take you fishing and dancing anytime!!!

    Dec 20th, 2006

  15. steve

    maybe she’s tired of ass holes with big mouths!

    Oct 18th, 2007

  16. proxy

    I think its about the light…
    some times I want to go home and pleasure my self to thoughts of her…
    and sometimes I wanna puke…
    WTF?

    Dec 24th, 2007

  17. Andor

    NEW SEX-TAPE with Renee Zellweger Is Real!! and Hot!!!
    i just load it here:

    http://renee–zellweger.blogspot.com/?id=yeeeah

    U have to see it !! don’t loose!!

    Aug 21st, 2009

  18. Leo Yocius

    Renee Zellweger in swimming pool absolutely naked!!
    VIDEO:

    http://renee–zellweger.blogspot.com/?id=64464611&s=y

    Oct 5th, 2009

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