33rd People’s Choice A-Boreds
The 33rd Annual People’s Choice Awards aired last night, and per the usual, I fell asleep around nine o’clock because “the people” responsible for choosing this year’s winners are clearly morons. And also because a couple of Xanax and an entire bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon will knock you out cold for a good six hours. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumor that you are somehow responsible for choosing the winners — assuming you to be the people in “The People’s Choice” — but I can tell you without a doubt that that’s an outright dirty lie. How do I know it’s a lie? Well, for starters, Jennifer Aniston won Best Female Movie star. Yes. For “The Break Up.” Also, Nickelback won something other than “Lamest Gayest Wanna-Be Grunge Band that Blows,” which is pretty much the only award they’ve ever deserved to win. Oh, and one more bit of evidence that you’re being duped: the Funniest Male Star award went to Robin fucking Williams. Ugh. The only reason this 33rd annual Turd-Fest was even tolerable was because it was a credible excuse to sit on my ass with the bottle of cab-sav and tell my husband and kids to “shut their stupid yappers because Mommy has important work to do.” And that important work, of course, is “making fun of the dresses the celebrities were wearing.” If you actually care who won what, then click here. If you’re interested in my “important work,” continue reading after the jump.
Katherine Heigl: Oh, good, it’s prom night 1964. Good God, is that psychedelic paisley? Grade: C
Does gold lamé ever work? Seriously. Diana Ross and LaToya Jackson are probably pissed that Halle Berry stole their signature style. All she needs now are some rhinestones and plastic surgery. There’s a reason lamé is spelled L-A-M-E, folks. Because it’s fucking lame. Grade: C-
You know what would make Eva Longoria look a little bit classier? More makeup. She just never wears enough. She’s a perfect candidate for tattooed eyeliner and lipliner and lash extensions and Mystic Tan. Her dress - meh -is okay. Not great, not awful. Just sorta there. Felicity Huffman, on the other hand, appears to have not made the guest list. You can tell from the tuxedo hand-barring and the fact she’s a man in a dress. Eva’s grade: B
God damn, Carmen, eyeshadow isn’t supposed to reach all the way to your eyebrows. Looks like that Homer Simpson make-up gun must have jammed on “whore.” The only thing redeeming this hideous ensemble are the visible nipples. Grade: B-
Christina Applegate: Nude colored dresses just don’t work on pale skin. The subdued tones are not flattering. Plus, I don’t see any nipples. That definitely cost her some points. Grade: D
Cameron Diaz goes goth ballerina for the People’s Choice Awards. Not so bad, really, but her make up is just all wrong. Why would you paint your mouth bright red when it’s the size of an interstate billboard? Even with all the taffeta and bronzed legs, all I end up seeing is a big, scarlett cockholster. Yikes. Grade: C-
19 Comments, Comment or Ping
Dragulf
Stupid me for trolling for pr0n and not watching this festival of fun! I am so ashamed!
Seriously, I know I didn’t vote so ya can’t blame me for Anything!
Jan 10th, 2007
abby
The contest is bogus, Dragulf. Totally rigged.
Jan 10th, 2007
RichPort
Am I the only one who would attack Aniston’s punani like a an army of fire ants on a naked drunk passed out next to their mound? I’ve always thought she was a tasty treat that would benefit from my meat. Wow, that was juvenile and it rhymes… go me! (theunderous applause)
Jan 10th, 2007
RichPort
By the way, that naked drunk would be covered in honey and the sun would be beaming right on him at about 110 degrees… and he would have excellent spelling and grammar capabilities.
Jan 10th, 2007
amandak
These awards were soooooooooo predictable. I barely made it through the first half an hour before i started flipping channels. BOOORRRINNNGGGG and rigged.
Jan 10th, 2007
oshkoshb'dualityofman
Jennifer Aniston is about as attractive as a pile of severed horse cocks covered in hot bacon fat, that is to say, she’s really fucking attractive!
Call me crazy but I like girls with pretty faces. Weird, I know…
Jan 10th, 2007
Zanna
I wonder if Jennifer is going to dance around that bonfire with her trophy after she throws her dolls in it going, “See, I’m a winner…I’m a winner”
Jan 10th, 2007
Zanna
ps..Hi Abby!
Jan 10th, 2007
Wally Gumboot
I would totally hump Christina Applegate!
Whether she wanted me to or not.
P.S. Hi Zanna!
Jan 10th, 2007
Wally Gumboot
P.P.S. 33rd People’s Choice “A-Boreds”.
I like it, very original,
Jan 10th, 2007
Sorceressss
Great comments on the dresses, way better than watching the actual show….”Even with all the taffeta and bronzed legs, all I end up seeing is a big, scarlett cockholster….”
Ha ha ha
Jan 10th, 2007
Matthew J.
RichPort, I’m totally with you on Aniston… well, not literally WITH you. I mean, we’re going to have to take seperate turns, because I just don’t swing that way, no matter how much they beg me to.
Spot-on with the Nickelback comments. I love you. And why oh why won’t Cameron Diaz go back to being cute, like she used to be many years ago? She actually scared me there, and that’s hard to do.
Jan 10th, 2007
Butch
People’s Choice? Which People? Old fat broads who would give up a lifetime supply of ham sandwiches just to roll in Oprah’s shit? Carmen Electra is looking more like Tammy Faye Baker every day. Check out the spiders that have taken up residence in place of eyelashes. And yes the titties do make up for it. And Christina Applegate can’t decide if she wants to be a pig or a praying mantis.
Jan 10th, 2007
AmJ
Wow you’d think such a bitter blogger would have something fucking funny to say about such a target-rich event like the pathetic People’s Choice Awards but God, you got NOTHING!
Visit http://www.gofugyourself.com and learn how it’s done. Or find another hobby.
Jan 11th, 2007
bionic bunny
my, my.
somebody didn’t get their flinstone vitamin this morning (AmJ).
either that or she got on her white unicorn BACKWARDS.
just think about that for a few minutes
…
…
…
Jan 11th, 2007
Walrus Gumboot
And then that piece of shit AmJ links to a “nothing” site!
A nothing site for a nothing poster! How aappropriate.
Jan 11th, 2007
AmJ
It works, dumbass. And that unicorn bit only took me ten minutes to figure out- what a ZINGER!
Jan 15th, 2007
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Jun 13th, 2008
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