Jack Bauer: The New Superman
You can tell me all day long that Jack Bauer is just a made-up character played by a drunken moron who likes karate-chopping hotel lobby Christmas trees and road managing a shitty garage band. And you could try to tell me that Jack Bauer’s real name is “Kiefer Sutherland” and he once played a vampire in some 80’s teen flick. You could even tell me that “24″ is entirely implausible at this point and that it’s only in production as a ratings safety net for the Fox network. And you know what I’d say to all that? I’d say, “Fuck you, you commie bastard!” And then I’d start smashing dinner plates on the kitchen floor while screaming things like “America-basher,” “Bolshevik asshole,” and “pinko commie,” and you’d probably just gingerly back out of the front door and head for the safety of your Marxist car. Jack Bauer is real, people. A real American hero. He’s the Superman of our day: truth, justice, and little bit of ass-kicking and neck-breaking.
More of the great patriot after the jump.
20 Comments, Comment or Ping
Walrus Gumboot
I want to wrap his face in saran wrap and piss on it.
Thanks for the inspiration Oshy-oshkoshb’deeznuts.
Jan 12th, 2007
Showgrrrl
He’s looking more and more like his Faja every day! Faja, you know, the dad? Don’t you think?
Hi Wally!
Jan 12th, 2007
abby
Something about the gun and that serious expression makes me want to take my panties off.
Jan 12th, 2007
sonya
Ha, I do a dead-on impression of that “one eyebrow slightly cocked, mouth set in an off-center grimace” look!
Yes I said “cocked”.
Jan 12th, 2007
Butch
Not to be crude but I would let this bastard fuck me silly. I think I need to go pee.
Jan 12th, 2007
Walrus Gumboot
Hi Showgrrrl!
How are the pasties sticking?
Jan 12th, 2007
oshkoshb'deeznuts
Something about Jack Bauer makes me fall asleep instantly from boredom.
Jan 12th, 2007
bionic bunny
he’s ALWAYS looked like dear old dad!
but he’s definitely getting hotter.
and i’ve never even seen the show!!
Jan 12th, 2007
Dragulf
Wait till you see him kill someone with his teeth as he is tied to a chair!
Jan 12th, 2007
abby
Jack Bauer once made me orgasm just by raising an eyebrow, holding a knife to my throat, and saying “Dammit, Abby!” True story.
Jan 12th, 2007
Oshkoshb’pussypoppoletrick
He looks like my old boss at this sandwich shop I used to work at. His favorite thing to say was “a penny saved is a penny earned” and he made us listen to Journey all the time. I guess that explains why I will never find Kiefer Sutherland attractive. In case you were wondering. I’m sure you were up all night tossing and turning, mumbling “why… why”. Yes you were.
Jan 13th, 2007
Christoffer
Dear Editor, for this post only you rule the universe. Well you would if not Jack Bauer already did.
Jan 13th, 2007
Walrus Gumboot
Deeper Oshy!
Like Paula Abdul’s cleavage deep. (Click the link)
There was a link here about “Paula-Abdul-And-Her-Boob-Job-Gone-Wrong”
For some reason it won’t allow me to post it on any thread, making my comeback to Oshy obsolete!
**************************************************************
I just tried re-posting the above comment with the Paula Abdul link (3 times) on the Screech Leaked His Own Sex Tape thread because it didn’t seem to be there after I hit submit.
This sentence pops up:
“Duplicate comment detected; it looks as though you’ve already said that!”
DOES ANYBODY SEE THE FUCKING POST WITH A PAULA ABDUL LINK ON THE SCREECH THREAD???
Once again, this site and it’s bullshit server has caused me grief !!!
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I’m going to post it on every one of Fridays (Jan 12, 2007) posts!
Don’t delete them Phil.
I need some type of vengence against your unscrupulous server!
Jan 14th, 2007
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