Golden Globes Worst Dressed
Much to my dismay, the Golden Globes was not an award show for big breasted porn stars, despite it’s misleading title. It seems the porn awards were actually called, “The 24th Annual Adult Video News Awards,” and they were this past Saturday. So, in short, I wasted what seemed to be seventeen perfectly good hours of my life watching half-wits in fancy dresses congratulate each other on their own greatness, instead of watching “Tea Bagger Vance” and “Backdoor Lambada” like I’d originally planned.
The big winner of the night was “Dreamgirls,” which won Best Musical or Comedy Motion Picture, and earned Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson the Best Supporting Actor/Actress awards. The bastards at the power service shut off my electricity right after that — apparently, writing a bad check to the electric company is “fraudulent” and “illegal” — so if you care to know the rest of who actually won what, you’re gonna have to click here. Now, the only part that makes watching these shows tolerable: making fun of what the celebrities wore.
Part One: The Worst Dressed of the night after the jump.
First up: Cameron Diaz
She looks like she’s molting taffeta. And Jesus Christ Almighty, I hate ruffles. See why Justin dumped her? Grade: F
Next up: Patricia and Rosanna Arquette
I’m pretty sure the material along the bustline of Patricia’s dress is pleather, and I’m pretty sure that ‘do qualifies as a pompadour. Rosana looks like she borrowed her dress from Aunt Pitty Pat at the Atlanta Bazaar. Collective Arquette Grade: D
Next: Tina Fey
I like Tina Fey. I really do. She’s quick-witted and usually looks great. This is the first time I’ve seen her in red carpet wear, though, and I have to say it’s horrible. Short-sleeved… is that paisley? Dwight K. Schrute hair? Ugh. Grade: D
Next: Beyonce
Every last fucking red carpet gown that Beyonce wears is made the same way: what I call “mermaid-style,” which means a fitted bodice that tapers all the way to the knees and then flares back out at the bottom, making it easier for her to stand with one leg permanently crossed in front of the other so she looks skinnier. Nice belly button cut-out. She looks like a high-priced hooker in all that gold spangly shit. The cleavage is a plus, but overall it’s just too much. Grade: D
Next up: Naomi Watts
Well, the color is nice. Jewel tones look better on her than the nudes and beiges she usually wears. Unfortunately, the gold detailing on the dress looks cheap as hell. Like band uniform decor. The dress would have been much better sans the beading. And her makeup is overdone — her face is two shades darker than the rest of her body. Grade: C+
Next: Penelope Cruz
How many times do I have to say quit with the fucking ruffles already?! They’re even sprouting off her shoulders! The dress would have been gorgeous without the fluffly organza layers. Grade: C
Next: Vanessa Minillo
For some reason this chick always looks like a slut. A satiny, orange, bedazzled bridesmaid slut who gets wasted at the wedding and bangs the best man in the coat closet at the reception. Oh, and says the word “fuck” in her toast in front of your grandparents. Grade: C
Next: Sienna Miller
It’s Rapunzel meets The Queen of Hearts! And damn, that’s a shiny T-zone. Blotting papers, Sienna, or pressed powder. And everybody knows cocaine makes you sweaty.
Last of the Worst Dressed: Eva Longoria
Eva has one of those faces that looks like it’d crack if she smiled too wide. Her foundations is too thick, her eyeshadow too dark, her undereye concealer too light, and her lips too pastel. The dress has too much going on with the belt and the velvet and the jeweled embellishments — too much texture, on both her face and her dress. And I hate Eva Longoria, so I’m giving her a “E” for “Egotisitcal Overrated Slut” simply on principle.
20 Comments, Comment or Ping
Walrus Gumboot
Dismay, there’s a word you don’t here to often.
All the women pictured look frumpy.
Frumpy:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/frumpy
Jan 16th, 2007
Walrus Gumboot
*there’s a word you don’t hereTOO often also.
Jan 16th, 2007
RichPort
Cameron Diaz and Patricia Arquette have both officially jumped the shark. And to think of all the hours I spent whacking off to True Romance… what a waste of splooge.
Jan 16th, 2007
abby
Here’s a helpful aside for you, RichPort: the technical term for “waste of spooge” is “onanism.” It’s a good word to throw into every day conversation, like, “Sorry I’m late for work — I had an onanistic issue at home. It couldn’t be helped.”
Jan 16th, 2007
Walrus Gumboot
Onanistic:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/onanistic
Jan 16th, 2007
sonya
Abby, I love when you find a way to weasel in a Gone With The Wind reference.
Eva’s dress WOULD have been pretty sans the strange dumpy waist and the underboob harness. It makes her look like she’s wearing one of those kiddie harnesses with the tethers.
Jan 16th, 2007
Litelysalted
I don’t mind Tina Fey’s dress so much except it looks like it came from Target or something. And it doesn’t really seem to flatter her either. I do agree about the stupid hair though.
Jan 16th, 2007
oshkoshb'fuckitwhocares
Cameron Diaz should avoid red lipstick, and smiling, and calliope music and giant shoes and tiny cars and balloon animals.
Q: What do you call it when you wastedly spill your female secretions?
A: Thursday.
Jan 16th, 2007
abby
I thought you’d like the Gone With the Wind bit! Could it have been any more apropos?
Jan 16th, 2007
Diego
Cameron Diaz looked like she was wearing the HEPA filter in my furnace.
Jan 16th, 2007
Italian Stallion
Beyonce looked fuckable, but whats with the rest of these fools and their Lord Of The Rings outfits. The first one, I think Jennifer Love Hewit, and the Miller chick. Peasants…..
Jan 16th, 2007
Nicki
Cameron Diaz looks hideous. This break-up has obviously gone to her head. But Sienna Miller looked gorgeous. True, her face a bit too shiney, but she looked amazing!!
Jan 16th, 2007
bionic bunny
ahem.
some of us oldies remember an atlanta place named “pitty pat’s porch”. along with aunt fanny’s cabin they were THE places to take tourists 30 years ago!
Jan 16th, 2007
Walrus Gumboot
Bunny, I’m an oldie… I don’t remember those.
Jan 16th, 2007
fer
I loved Cameron Diaz´dress it is beautiful if you don´t like it you don´t know about fashion, the ribben in the belt looks very nice.
Jan 22nd, 2007
saltygirl
Cameron looked like some sort of deranged Chia Pet. I think if Fer knows so much about fashion they would know how to spell ribbon.
Jan 23rd, 2007
Matt
I like ruffles
Jan 30th, 2007
delzy
i think sienna miller’s dress was nice!
Feb 3rd, 2007
Jaime
wow you are gayyyy. i mean all those people are pretty and looked great! like eva she looked amazing your just jealous of those people.
Feb 9th, 2007
sydney
Naomi watts is always a mess!
An alcoholic who tries to copy Nicole Kidman and slept her way to the top for 10 years in Hollywood!
Who cares about her she is always the worst dressed
Mar 8th, 2007
Reply to “Golden Globes Worst Dressed”