All Apologies
Sorry I’ve been outta touch these last few days — I’ve been in New York on important business for “Yeeeah!” And by “important business” I mean “drinking with strangers” and “getting lost.” Special thanks to locals About: Celebrity Gossip and Metadish for dinner and drinks and all around kick-ass time.
Anyway, I learned some important things about the city during my three-day stay. Ten important things, to be exact. I made a list for you, in case you ever visit.
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED IN NEW YORK CITY:
10. Maps are for pussies.
9. You can never honk a car horn enough.
8. Never, EVER order a “Buttery Nipple” in an Irish pub in New York City, because: a) the bartender will refuse to make it, and b) several people will volunteer to kick your ass, even if you’re a girl.
7. Cigarettes in New York are made from shredded one hundred dollar bills instead of tobacco. I figured this out with the help of a little something we in the South like to call “math” — they’re EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS a pack.
6. No meandering. At any time. Anywhere. Hurry the fuck up already.
5. Being on live TV isn’t “cool”; it’s an annoyance. I went outside my hotel one morning and Fox News was parked outside, desperately pleading with passersby to stop and be on live television. I watched him get rebuffed not once, not twice, but fourteen different times while I smoked one of my eight-dollar cigarettes.
4. Only the very elderly and the legally insane attempt to operate motor vehicles.
3. Good luck finding “Mountain Dew,” “Mello Yello,” or “Pabst Blue Ribbon.” I had sense enough not to ask after the whole Buttery Nipple debacle.
2. This one was a surprise — not all foreigners smell!
And the number one thing I learned in NYC:
1. Everything’s cooler in New York.
You can expect your daily gossip fix today, junkies. Thanks for understanding the lack of posts while I was out of town. And by “understanding the lack of posts” I mean “sending me 4,000 spittle-flecked enraged emails telling me what a lazy douchebag fucktard I was and how I should die in a fire.” You guys are the best!
11 Comments, Comment or Ping
litelysalted
I was in NYC for a week last spring for a conference. I’m only a 2.5 hour bus ride away so it wasn’t the first time I’d been there by any means, but the first time alone and overnight. The most striking thing to me, was the first morning I woke up there with my throat feeling like it had been raped by jackhammers overnight and I couldn’t comfortably breathe until I arrived back home. But since you’re a smoker anyway I guess that might not have been as bothersome to you…. heh.
Jan 25th, 2007
abby
I only smoke when I’m really nervous or drunk. And I was both drunk AND nervous on my trip to NYC. Lucky you being so close. I had a really good time.
P.S. I also got raped by jackhammers while in the city. Coincidence? Probably not.
Jan 25th, 2007
alison
LMAO you got the rules right! Thank you, I hope these serve as a public service to all planning to visit our city.
Jan 25th, 2007
Kit-10
Welcome back you lazy bastard - we missed you!
Jan 25th, 2007
RichPort
Abby, that’s how we roll. You forgot to add that while we’re always rushed, we’re actually pretty nice, in a “I’m only thinking fuck you… I’m actually smiling!” And if you paid only $8 for smokes, you’re lucky… the Korean delis can charge upwards of $9 (we have a ’sin’ tax here in NYC that adds about $2 per pack). Other than that, for a tourist, your description was spot on. Did you get to visit any of the strip joints? Ours are quite nice… at least the teenage runaways think so.
Jan 25th, 2007
Vic Payback
You couldn’t find Pabst Blue Ribbon?? You must not have been down to the lower east side, where it’s practically required to drink PBRs at any of the “cool” hipster bars.
Jan 25th, 2007
LRM216
Oh my God, that was absolutely hilarious! I am still laughing (also an ex-New “Yawker”). All so true, so true.
Jan 25th, 2007
abby
It’s all true! New York is fucking awesome! And the stereotype about the city folk being pissy and rude really isn’t true at all. People were always willing to give directions or point me towards someone who might know the way; they were mannerly enough to say things like “thank you” and “excuse me;” someone even held my hair back for me when I was puking and almost everybody stepped over me when I was lying facedown in the gutter.
I can’t say enough good things about NYC! LOVE IT!!
Jan 25th, 2007
Tine
Perfect list Abby! I miss Mello Yello too - they don’t have it here!
Jan 25th, 2007
Italian Stallion
When my family was here from Italia recently, we took them to New York. Good time I guess. They’ve never seen anything like that. I mean Bodymore is alright but New York is huge. I’ve never seen that many different races in one place. It was pretty cool people watching while they all shopped in the stores. That part did kind of suck though, because I had to carry all the bags!! Pfffffffft………….
If you guys miss Mello Yellow so bad, I did hear R Kelly is ready to shoot another video, I’m just saying………….
Jan 25th, 2007
Kathy
Thanks for letting em know - hurry the F up. I HATE TOURISTS - except for the ones that are my friends….
K - a native NYker
Jan 26th, 2007
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