The Screen Actors Guild Awards, the most useless of the many self-congratulatory Hollywood award shows, was held last night at the Shrine Exposition Center in L.A. One step shy of being “High School Superlatives,” the SAG awards are chosen by fellow celebrity actors and actresses, making them pretty much completely meaningless as far as awards go. But it’s still an excuse for the beautiful and famous to festoon themselves in their red carpet best, and an excuse for me to judge and mock their chosen attire, so I’ll take it any way I can get it. I’ll save the pith and vinegar for the next post and give you the best-dressed first.

For a complete list of nominees and winners, click here, loser. The rest of you, la crème de la crème after the jump.

Reese Witherspoon has definitely been using the red carpet to deliver a big “fuck you” to ex-husband Ryan Phillippe. She looks fan-fucking-tastic. Nothing about her is overdone or excessive. Damn near perfect, I think. Voted: Most Likely to Succeed.

Meadow Soprano looks very chic in this all-white sheath. Very elegant. Nicely done. Voted: Nicest Smile.

I’m putting Katherine Heigl on the best-dressed list begrudgingly. I don’t like the one-shoulder look that popped up all over the place last night, unless it’s a one-shoulder done Grecian toga style. The one strap-thingy reminds me of that hideous thing Kim Basigner wore to the Oscars several years ago. Katherine’s hair and makeup are very retro screen siren, so I’ll look past the errant strap and give her a break. Voted: Most Sophisticated.

Another begrudging admission. I think the seventies-ish ensemble actually looks cute on Rachel McAdams. Even the shoes, which I’d normally hate, look somehow appropriate with the dress. But the fucking pink hair already. It’s so “teenage angst.” Or “loud-mouthed faggot gossip blogger.” No thanks. Voted: Most Original.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus went the safe route, and it worked. Think “classic” — neutral makeup, waist-cinching belt, elegant accessories. A little boring, but classic nonetheless. Voted: Most Dependable.

Kate Walsh looked absolutely ethereal in a lightweight lemon-colored dress. I like when someone takes a risk with color. I think with her hair and complexion, the risk paid off in spades. Voted: Most School Spirit.

I love Pam from “The Office,” so Jenna Fischer could have shown up in a sequined ice skater’s costume and I still would have put her on the best-dressed list. She has a magnificent rack, so I’m a little disappointed that she kept the puppies out of view. And the dress is a little… blah. But that said, I still think Pam Beasley is awesome, so she gets a vote of : Best Personality.

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