The Ugliest of the SAG Awards
There was plenty of ugly at this year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards. Nothing quite as ugly as Paris Hilton in a top hat crouching over a pisser, but still ugly. I put that picture of Paris up as a palate-cleanser of sorts, so you could refer back to it between photographs of the worst-dressed. It helps to distinguish between “disgustingly vomit-inducingly hideous” and “just an ugly dress.” You know, for perspective.
All the uglies after the jump.
Mariska Hartigay is really a beautiful woman. You can’t debate the genetic perfection of mother Jane Mansfield, so Mariska gets it honest. But I hate this dress. Too much lace and ribbons and texture and I hate that under-the-boob lasso dealie. Also, the ribboned split V down the middle of her torso widens at her hips, which adds a good fifteen pounds to her frame. Awful. Voted: Most Gullible.
When did they start letting fat people come to Hollywood award shows? I thought Camryn Manheim effectively sealed the deal on that a couple of years ago. Don’t get your control top panties in a bunch, fat girls — I’m just kidding. You and I both know that fat people can go anywhere they please. But Sara Ramirez’ dress is terrible. It looks like something she bought at Victoria’s Secret and customed tailored into an evening dress. It just looks cheap. Yuck. Nice Christie Brinkley-esque hair. Voted: Most Likely to End Up on Jenny Craig.
Eva Longoria just gets uglier and more desperate by the day. Her dress is a shapeless one-shouldered mess, and her makeup artist clearly moonlights as a mortician, because the only time I’ve ever seen foundation that thick has been on a corpse. Quite possibly the worst makeup at the SAG awards. All she’s missing with that eyeshadow and lipstick combo is some two-inch press-on nails and a fake Louis Vuitton bag. Voted: Biggest Slut.
What would you get if you mated Kate Bosworth with Rhianna? You’d get Heather Graham at the SAG awards. All forehead and bones. Jesus Christ, she’s gotten skinny. Any stylist who puts a pale-skinned blonde in a nude-colored dress is an idiot. And her makeup is a little garish. Voted: Most Forgettable.
Elizabeth Perkins just reinforces my belief that the old and dumpy should be extricated from Hollywood. She is old, right? I mean, God help her if she’s just plain ugly. Horrible prom-ish dress, wrong color for her hair and skin tone. Voted: Most Confused.
There’s a reason this woman’s middle name is “Gay,” people. It’s because Marcia Gay Harden is a clearly a man. A man with saggy boobs and horrible taste in clothes. And something about the bustline of that dress reminds me of a Venus fly trap. Nice pleats. The only way this dress could be any worse is if it was covered in swastikas and the skins of little children. God-awful. Voted: Most Butch.
When the space people from the future finally come for us, Ellen Pompeo should have no problem being assimilated into their culture. I didn’t know that Star Trek had their own formal wear line now. Good to know. Voted: Birdiest.
OH. MY. GOD. You could fit a grapefruit in that navel of hers. Poor Debbie Mazar is in dire need of a shaping garment. Also a new stylist. Maybe a new face and body. Disgusting. Voted: Most Likely to Self-Mutilate.
I’m not sure just what that is, but I know that I saw something resembling it in the movie “Alien.” It calls itself “Marg Helgenberger” and I’m pretty sure it feasts on the souls of the dead. Voted: Unholiest.
Kyra Sedgwick has a smokin’ body. She’s not cracked-out skinny or overly-buff — she’s nice and toned. Really fit for her age. But sweet holy Moses, her hair is terrible. Worst. Updo. Ever. And once again, the fair-skinned and light-haired need to stay the hell away from the beige and flesh tones. They’re just unflatttering. To think, she paid someone for that look. Voted: Frizziest.
24 Comments, Comment or Ping
LadyJane
Debbie Mazer has to get a new hair-do. She is also in dire need of a swift kick to the twatiledge.
Jan 29th, 2007
sonya
Heather Graham looks like a bush baby.
Jan 29th, 2007
abby
I think I was under you “twatiledge” in “Cuntery School,” LadyJane. You were an excellent tutor.
Jan 29th, 2007
tammie
Sara Ramirez looks like Betty Rubble from The Flintstones…
Jan 29th, 2007
LadyJane
Heather Graham looks like one of them dolls that girls can choose outfits for. You know, the one’s with magnetic dresses that sort of perch on the frame. Yep…
Jan 29th, 2007
d. c.
You said it all 100% right, except I’d add Sara Ramirez’ underarm pit-boobs aren’t doing her sausage stuffed bod any favors.
Jan 29th, 2007
sonya
I love it that no one’s commented on Paris Hilton squatting over a toilet. It’s like, Business as usual.
Jan 29th, 2007
abby
No kidding. The top hat really adds a bit of panache to the pic. I bet she wears a beret when she takes a dump.
Jan 29th, 2007
sonya
She was wearing coattails just before they took that picture, but she needed something to wipe her ass with, and…well, convenient is just convenient.
Jan 29th, 2007
Italian Stallion
Is it a bad thing or a good thing that I have no idea who half of these people are?
Nevermind, I say good thing………..
Jan 29th, 2007
cris
i would hardly classify sara ramirez as fat…she’s curvy and has what used to be considered a “real” woman’s body.
why does she get harped on because she chooses not to be anorexic? i mean, yes, the dress is ugly…but don’t hate because of the weight.
Jan 29th, 2007
abby
I said JUST KIDDING. For the love of God, fat people. You’re killing me here. I thought fat people were supposed to have a good-natured sense of humor.
Jan 29th, 2007
mar
I have to disagree about Kyra Sedgwick and Elizabeth Perkins. I like Kyra’s hair; it’s very pretty, and I don’t see a trace of frizz anywhere. Her dress is too long, though. Or not long enough; I’m not sure which.
I’m not wild about Elizabeth Perkins’s dress, but the colour is very striking on her skin (which is beautiful) and it doesn’t clash with her hair, I don’t think – I think it was a good choice, and flattering to her figure.
Jan 29th, 2007
mar
Also, Heather Graham looks like she could be snapped in half.
Also, skinny girls with naturally larger breasts (read: Heather, Jennifer Love Hewitt) need to avoid dresses that make it look like their breasts are sagging to their knees. It’s very unflattering, and a damn shame to turn a God-given asset into a liability that way.
Jan 29th, 2007
cris
sorry. we fat people apologize. it’s hard to detect unfunny, worn out humor over the internet…we’ll try harder next time, (maybe a little “insert laughted here” would help.)
Jan 30th, 2007
Bree
I find it disgusting that Paris is not only bare foot in a public bathroom, but she also has her hands of the toilet seat. One out of every 3 people splash or spray the seat! Euwwwwwww!!!
Jan 30th, 2007
fruitloops
I can’t believe you did not mention Graham’s shoes. They are HO-RRI-BLE !!
Jan 30th, 2007
stevie
Heather Graham reminds me of a deer caught in headligts. She just looks shell shocked. Ellem Pompeo has ruined yet another awards show by having the saggiest skinniest boobs ever, and really should work on wearing something that flatters them rather than just have them hanging around looking stupid. Kyra would have looked great in some color.
Jan 30th, 2007
sonya
I just noticed that Ellen Pompeo looks like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle in that picture.
Jan 30th, 2007
Christine
Are mirrors banned in the land of the rich and famous??? How could they have looked at thier reflections and honestly thought ‘Wow i look great”.
Jan 30th, 2007
slade
It’s Jayne Mansfield. I mean honestly, do your homework.
Jan 30th, 2007
jessica
Sara ramirez looks amazing!
May 24th, 2007
nicole
sarah ramirez is soo effing hot omg!! i wish i was arizona
Dec 24th, 2009
Erica
Sara Ramirez is NOT fat! She looked gorgeous.
Sep 14th, 2011
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