Actor Jake Gyllenhaal just can’t seem to shake those pesky gay rumors that have plagued him for the last few years. Despite insisting that he is 100% unequivocally heterosexual, he keeps acting like a giant queer while out in public. Page Six reports:

A shopper in Bloomingdale’s underwear department recently watched [Jake Gyllenhaal] with a salesman “combing through every style . . . A good 10 minutes later, Jake was still at it . . . holding up a pair of tight white briefs that he’d pulled out of the package to examine, as if he’d never seen tighty whities before in his entire life. It was hilarious. He looked very confused and had a furrowed brow . . . He was examining undies like an anthropologist in the city’s most highly trafficked department store.”

Your typical non-gay man shops for underpants in the following way:

1. Are they underpants?
2. Are they NOT pink, red, or purple?*

Done and done. There is no “inspecting” involved, unless it’s to point out what a faggoty-ass picture is on the package. Anything else, including thread count, texture of the cotton, and perceived fit is just plain gay. And also, when you call a straight man “fairy boy,” he puts in another chaw of tobacco and rolls up his sleeves for a good ass-kicking. He doesn’t clutch his European carryall and shriek while frantically looking over his shoulder and sprinting the other way. Jake really needs to work on his game face if I’m supposed to go around believing he’s not gay.

*Excluding Latinos and Italians, who — even when not gay — are not above wearing brightly colored underpants

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