Will Smith Doesn’t Have to Wipe
Will Smith is too good to wipe his own ass. The Post Chronicle reveals:
Will Smith [has fit] his Los Angeles home with the latest Japanese restroom gadget. The movie star reveals his new “toy” affords him a hands-free toilet experience, and cleans him up afterwards. He says, “They’ve installed these toilets from Japan. They’re paper free. Wherever you sit on the toilet, somehow it hits the bull’s eye perfectly. It cleans and then dries you. It is just water and then air.”
I didn’t want to be the one to break it to him, but it’s no coincidence that the water hits the mark every time. It’s not like everybody’s anus is in the exact same place, you know. Each crapper is equipped with a tiny pinhole camera that relays continuous live feed to a production center full of societal rejects whose sole responsibility is pointing a nozzle at your asshole. It ranks right below “stall mucker,” “entrail collector,” and “being Rosie O’Donnell’s personal assistant” on the horrible-job-nobody-wants scale. Still better than “being Paris Hilton’s gynecologist,” though. I don’t suppose much isn’t.
22 Comments, Comment or Ping
BarbadoSlim
Does this thing have different settings? What happens when you take a really creamy shit and it smears all over? Does it it have a sort of up/down/sideways feature?
And another thing, you know how sometimes you take a shit and there’s like this piece that that wont flush, or it comes back after you flush? What does that shit want?
Mar 19th, 2007
abby
I find it’s just easier not to bother with the wiping. That’s why I shower every couple of days.
Mar 19th, 2007
sonya
That’s what I always wonder about those bidet thing, BarbadoSlim. Unless the water is shooting at you like one of those high-pressured nozzles, how is it going to get you clean? How does it know when to stop? What if it stops and you’re still all poopy? These questions must be answered!
I’m also betting that some uppity European is going to post something about how being shot in the ass with a stream of water is better and more sanitary than wiping with paper and that it’s gluttonous Americans like us who are denuding the forests to fuel our obsession with toilet paper.
Mar 19th, 2007
BarbadoSlim
Damn right Sonya, and how about when that thing when you keep wiping and wiping aaaand wiping and you’re still all shitty (thank god for mega-rolls). What happens then? FUCK this dirty assed motherfucker. He better invest in underwear, in bulk.
Mar 19th, 2007
BarbadoSlim
Oh, and all that comes BEFORE getting into that whole getting a 500fps rod of high pressured water up your butt thing.
Mar 19th, 2007
bionic bunny
i have a horrifically funny story about a bidet!
i remember hearing something about this toilet, somewhere in the swamp of my mind. basically, i think if you desire and can AFFORD one of these, you have too much money. period (and speaking of periods, i still haven’t figured out how you deal with that mess without paper. maybe i went too far there).
Mar 19th, 2007
sonya
EWWWWW! Bunny!!
Mar 19th, 2007
LadyJane
I like the bidet. Don’t have one, used one in Erupe, and it’s kinda weirdly nice. Just make sure it’s warm water, not icy cold.
Mar 19th, 2007
LadyJane
Europe.
Mar 19th, 2007
bionic bunny
whattaya mean “ewwww!”
nobody “ewwww’d” barbado!!!
sheesh!
we had one in cancun, and i didn’t realize it wasn’t an “option”. when i see “don’t flush paper” i think paper towels, etc., not TP.
Mar 19th, 2007
Fiorentina
Actually, most Europeans who use bidets don’t use them as substitutes for wiping. They are really for the “not so fresh” feeling some days, or when you don’t have time to take a shower. At least you can be clean in your nether regions. We installed a bidet when we redid our bathroom and it is FANTASTIC when you have your period. I also have super dry skin so I can’t shower everyday. A bidet is very, very useful. BTW, it is also great for small children when they have accidents so you don’t have to wrestle them into the bathtub. NO ONE uses a bidet instead of TP.
Mar 20th, 2007
Diceman
What about the ‘turtle tail’? What happens to the piece of shit that won’t evacuate but is simply checking the environment. Does this thing have a scooper attachment to ‘go-and-get-it?? Too often, after a nice beer bash, I find the whole turd won’t de-ass. Ya know what I mean? If you’re using TP, you can use half a roll before you finally relent and fist yourself to get it all. Does this machine have the goods to take care of that specific problem?
If so, I WANT ONE!! If they can then hook it up to the Sybian, I’ll get one for my wife too,then maybe she’ll let me rest one night!
Mar 20th, 2007
Wet Pooper
I personally practice the “wet the tp a little before wiping”. Therefore the wipe is more effective and you don’t end up with the shitty skidmarks on your undies at the end of the day!! I don’t think paper alone will leave you really clean down there . . .
Mar 20th, 2007
Wet Pooper
The shit that keeps coming back up after you’ve flushed it - it’s called a “McArthur” . . .
Mar 20th, 2007
Parrothead
I haven’t heard anyone talk about the 21st Century approach. Disposable wipes..!!! Clean. Clean. Clean.
Mar 20th, 2007
abby
This is going to make “wiping” a whole new experience for me. You guys sure know a lot about defecating! Thanks for the info!
Mar 21st, 2007
danny
you peolpe make me sick you all gross some dont wipe and take showers after thats a pig and talking about creamy shit your all crazy gross pigs
Mar 21st, 2007
Wet Pooper
hey danny -
wipe me !
Mar 21st, 2007
Nauticus
Hey does anyone know if Will Smith used a Genesis Bidet? I heard about these things in a bathroom remodelling magazine. Their website is http://www.genesisbidet.com
Mar 24th, 2007
someguy
What about hemroids? This might be better than rough TP. I mean if your going to use wet papper, your going to be wet anyway. Do you use some kind of soap? The Japanese have a different cultural view about toilet procedures anyway.
Mar 26th, 2007
lynn
in tx we call a turd that douse not flush is a stirafaorm turd
Oct 16th, 2007
Frank
I used a bidet when I broke my back. It saved me alot of money,cause I did not have to have a in home health care person come over and wipe my behind for me at about 300.00 a day. Plus try and reach around and wipe yourself (ouch). I used a bidet for 6 months I borrowed from a plummer friend. I have a sixteen year old son that lives every other week.He asked me what it was and I showed him how to use it. Well after 6 months he must of started using the bidet. When I got healed up enough to get a different kind of bidet so my friends could take there bidet to a nother person that had and accident and needed it. My son freaked out he didn,t want my friends to take it out he was pissed. He didn,t know I had a new bidet coming to replace the bidet those guys were taking out.
There are lots of good reasons to use a bidet, Your are clean, Washes you and drys you with out and use of toilet paper! ( SAVE THE TREES) Look at all the water you save cause you won,t Have to use 12 Gallons of water to take a shower to get clean. And list goes on and on. My suggestion would be don,t knock it till you try it
Feb 6th, 2008
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