Pete Wentz shows you the manliest way to apply eye makeup. (Jossip)
Angelina Jolie is still prettier than you. (MollyGood)
Pete Doherty does rehab, take 5,935. (Celebitchy)
Who is the Sexiest Bastardly Woman in the World? (The Bastardly)
Kirsten Dunst’s sad boobies get a lift in “Spiderman 3.” (CelebSlam)
It’s common knowledge that only The Cure and Radiohead can ease you through a break up. (Pajiba)
Lindsay Lohan showed up at the Coachella Music Festival this weekend dressed like Waldo’s mongoloid cousin. His slutty mongoloid cousin. The one with the incontinence problem and a bad dye job and the low self-esteem. I couldn’t tell you first hand, because I don’t piss myself unless I’ve been drinking tequila, but I’m pretty sure those adult diapers would have stayed up even without the suspenders. But that wouldn’t have worked, because without the suspenders those sunglasses would have just looked fucking stupid.
George O’Dowd, the singer better known as Boy George, was arrested over the weekend for kidnapping a hooker and “torturing him.” According to London’s The Daily Mail:
Boy George has been arrested [for] false imprisonment and assault. The former Culture Club front man allegedly kidnapped a 28-year-old Norwegian male escort early on Saturday morning. Boy George, 45, and another man handcuffed [the escort] to a hook on the wall after inviting him to the singer’s house to pose for photographs. A police spokesman said: “[We] are investigating and a man in his 40s has been arrested in connection with the allegation.”
If I had a dollar for every hooker I’d kidnapped and tortured, I’d be, like, five dollars richer now. It makes the chase more exciting if they don’t see me coming. Nobody suspects the woman on a ten-speed with a baby seat on the back, so you can pounce right up on a good cracked-out whore like a tiger in the jungle. But I’m not some kind of sick bastard who goes around handcuffing people to the walls, taking deviant photographs and other such gay nonsense. I’m more of a “tie you up and make you watch ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded” six or seven times while blasting the soundtrack to “Glitter” kinda girl.
More of Jessica Simpson’s big boobs en route to Chi Dynasty restaurant after the jump, because I’m incredibly generous and Boy George is ugly.
Apparently K-Fed didn’t make out with any of Britney Spears’ prostitute ensembles in the divorce settlement, because Brit seems to have an endless supply of fishnets and see-through tops. I like the bit of Victorian flair there at the neck. Classy. Kind of “Beethoven meets Meth Whore.” I also like that the back seam of her stockings wraps around her thigh instead of running down the back of her leg. A couple of track marks down her arms and a few weeping sores around her mouth and I’d have offered her twenty bucks fight a homeless man on camera. It’s not like dignity sells, people!
More of Ludwing van Spears after the jump
It’s been a good three or four days without seeing Victoria Beckham’s nipples, so here are approximately seventy-five pictures of Posh and her silver bullets to restore the natural order of things. She’s technically wearing a bra, yes, but my trusty neighborhood gang and I analyzed the photos in our clubhouse and determined the material supporting her bosoms was either 1) tissue paper, 2) cellophane, or 3) ozone. You’d think nipples would have a hard time cutting through two different layers of fabric, but the human body sometimes surprises you with its own latent strength. Like this one time I jumped out of a fourth story window to rescue a kitten. Sure, I was on acid and on fire and the kitten was actually a four-door sedan, but the point is my nipples were hard the whole time.
More of Little Miss Pokies after the jump
Carmen Electra in Russian FHM. (The Grumpiest)
Britney Spears’ beaver burns a hole in her fishnets. (Seriously? OMG)
More of Kirsten Dunst looking like ass. (ICYDK)
Petra Nemcova is yummy. (UseMyComputer)
Confirmed: Michelle Rodriguez is a lesbian. (Metadish)
Jenna Elfman believes TomKat is for real. (MollyGood)
Alec Baldwin tells Dora the Explorer she’s a “thoughtless little pig.” (Jossip)
A warrant has been issued for Richard Gere’s arrest in India, citing his “obscene sexual behavior” at a rally in Delhi. According to Page Six :
An Indian court has ordered the arrest of Gere for “obscenity” after he repeatedly kissed her at an AIDS awareness rally in Delhi this month. The judge cited the duo’s “highly sexually erotic” behavior. Gere is no longer in India and his rep had no comment. Gere insists he was only re-enacting a scene from his movie “Shall We Dance” to connect with the crowd, and while the kiss went “a little overboard,” it wasn’t obscene. The “crime” carries a maximum of two years in the slammer.
At least in the “sexually erotic criminal” section of the slammer, Gere can swap the coked-up gerbils for all the Indian butt sex he can handle. That said, I still can’t figure out why India isn’t at the forefront of technological advances and progressivism. It could so be a super power, if you just overlooked the famine and disease and poverty and the general belief that eight-armed fairies and leprechaun cows bring AIDS to the people. Plus, India has a bountiful supply of “cheap labor” and “$1 prostitutes,” which is almost as effective as our “Navy” and “steel mills.” I’d probably start by changing their national slogan from “India — Where Science Stagnates and Disease Flourishes!” to “India — Why the Hell Not?” It would look nice on a t-shirt. Right underneath a cartoon picture of Uncle Sam with his pants around his ankles, giving the thumps up and taking a big India-shaped dump.
This may be the most boring fucking day ever recorded in the history of celebrity gossip. So, to spare you the ennui of some crazy running down Sandra Bullock’s husband or Alec Baldwin’s visit on “The View,” here’s a few pics of actress Kate Beckinsale in a bikini. She’s hot, so there’s that, but that bikini still sucks. Camouflage with a pink studded belt? She looks like she should be skipping out on her algebra homework to catch another episode of “That’s So Raven” and making friendship bracelets and baby-sitting clubs with her girlfriends. Or perhaps this is some kind of trick to make you think about porking an eleven year old girl. And that, madam, is morally reprehensible. Unless she kept pulling up those bottoms and wiggling her ass and just asking for it. I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that’s the legal definition of the word ‘consensual.’
More of Kate in her bikini after the jump
Actress Kate Bosworth pal-ed around with former model Helena Christensen at the Food Bank of New York Can-Do Awards Dinner, which I assume is some kind of combination dinner/food drive or else the place where beauty goes to die. Seriously, what the fuck? I used to be in love with Helena Christensen. More than I loved Angelina Jolie, even. Every time I felt like I couldn’t make myself throw up again, I’d pull out my Victoria’s Secret catalog and stare deep into the eyes of my thinspiration and the vomit would magically come. It was easy, when you looked like this. And this. Or this. Now she’s got a five o’clock shadow that rivals Hasim’s the Speedy Mart manager’s. Jesus. And don’t even get me started on Kate Bosworth. I’ve seen better makeup on a clown. A clown corpse that sat in an alley and accidentally got spray painted by that machine that paints curbs and street lines and stuff. I mean, I was only five when I saw it happen, and it was after the clown had tried to stab my mother and ended up getting run over by the machine, so it’s all kinda hazy. But I’m still pretty sure that clown’s makeup was better than Kate’s. You just don’t forget something like that.
More of Kate and Helena after the jump
I was looking at these pictures of Britney Spears lumbering through Santa Monica yesterday, and I just couldn’t decide which part of her outfit was the sexiest. It’s like my genitals short-circuited and my brain shut down when I started thinking about it. Is it the silver dollar nipples staring down at the ground? Is it the Panama Jack hat? The open mouth gum chomp? The jaunty boots and the big button pinafore? Or is it the way your loins seize up and your eyes frantically attempt to escape their sockets with a sort of “Mad Cow Disease Darting Eye Roll” after staring at the pictures for five minutes? Tough call. It’s like trying to pick the shiniest star in the night time sky.
More super sexy Britney after the jump
The ‘reverse embarrassment’ of Britney Spears’ panties. (Drunken Stepfather)
Beyonce’s dress, or African art? (MollyGood)
Hugh Grant hates baked beans and kids with cancer. (Gabsmash)
The truth behind Rosie’s “View” exit. (Defamer)
Sanjaya’s mom busted with pot plants. (IBBB)
Alec Baldwin is through with cursing at his children and his NBC show. (Fatback)
Perez Hilton, the cartoon. (Jossip)
New Good Charlotte tracks from AOL’s “Sessions Down Under.” (AOL)
If you’re in to butchy lesbians having their boobs honked by bloated ex-supermodels, boy, is your penis in luck today. It’s Rosie O’Donnell getting felt up by Tyra Banks! If you’re not, then your penis is probably writing you a ‘Dear John’ letter and wistfully packing its suitcase. Little known fact — the state showed the above clip to jailed sex offenders in the hopes of somehow quantifying an inmate’s chances at rehabilitation by monitoring their consequent arousal to the video. So, basically, they strapped monitors to a couple of perverts’ wieners and waited for them to get a boner. Science is awesome! The warden of the prison said it was the weirdest thing they’d ever seen, because one of the inmates — who got measurably aroused by watching a “mushroom blooming” and a “elderly man crying,” by the way — actually measured a negative arousal response after viewing the clip. It would seem that blood actually rushed away from his genitals. The prison warden said:
“It’s unheard of. It’s, well… like the opposite of an erection. His penis actually measured a half inch smaller than before he watched it. I was unaware that ‘inverse boners’ existed, but they are very real.”
Okay, so maybe he didn’t say that. Maybe I made the whole thing up and watched the show with a node in between my legs made out of a shower curtain suction round attached to some string, and maybe I made “boop boop beep” machine noises with my mouth while I held the string up to a cardboard box and pretended to write down data. What, you don’t ever play “Sex Offender Scientist” when you’re at home alone? Please. I suppose you don’t masturbate or go to the bathroom, either.
- Next
