If you’re in to butchy lesbians having their boobs honked by bloated ex-supermodels, boy, is your penis in luck today. It’s Rosie O’Donnell getting felt up by Tyra Banks! If you’re not, then your penis is probably writing you a ‘Dear John’ letter and wistfully packing its suitcase. Little known fact — the state showed the above clip to jailed sex offenders in the hopes of somehow quantifying an inmate’s chances at rehabilitation by monitoring their consequent arousal to the video. So, basically, they strapped monitors to a couple of perverts’ wieners and waited for them to get a boner. Science is awesome! The warden of the prison said it was the weirdest thing they’d ever seen, because one of the inmates — who got measurably aroused by watching a “mushroom blooming” and a “elderly man crying,” by the way — actually measured a negative arousal response after viewing the clip. It would seem that blood actually rushed away from his genitals. The prison warden said:

“It’s unheard of. It’s, well… like the opposite of an erection. His penis actually measured a half inch smaller than before he watched it. I was unaware that ‘inverse boners’ existed, but they are very real.”

Okay, so maybe he didn’t say that. Maybe I made the whole thing up and watched the show with a node in between my legs made out of a shower curtain suction round attached to some string, and maybe I made “boop boop beep” machine noises with my mouth while I held the string up to a cardboard box and pretended to write down data. What, you don’t ever play “Sex Offender Scientist” when you’re at home alone? Please. I suppose you don’t masturbate or go to the bathroom, either.