Kirsten Dunst managed to keep her snaggley trap shut at the “Spiderman 3″ premiere in London yesterday, but she ruined the closed-mouth effect by painting her face up like a forty-year old night shift manager at Walgreen’s. This may be the first time anyone has successfully yanked the “Dehydrated Old Bag” award from Sharon Stone in over a decade. A real upset. However, I am glad to see that canceling “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” hasn’t stopped Miss Yvonne from making the red carpet rounds.

More of the most beautiful woman in Puppet Land after the jump

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Communists love the bland, generic sounds of JLo. (BWE)

Tori Spelling finds a new way to whore herself out. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Adam Brody brings you “Lifetime for Men.” (Pajiba)

Val Kilmer needs to take a dump, so move your fucking cars already. (Defamer)

If only Jason Wahler could have won that round of Russian Roulette. (MollyGood)

Ricki Lake wants to show you her vagina. (Jossip)

The quantitative douchebaggery in this picture has be some kind of record-breaker. I always thought that douchebags of such magnitude would repel each other like the ends of a magnet, or that there’d be some kind of explosion when their force fields collided, but apparently not. It seems that all that happened when Kevin Federline partied with Paris Hilton in Vegas Friday night was the moon turning to blood and all the vegetation with in a three mile radius of Tao withering up. And there were those unexplained esophagal spasms and the 24-hour muteness that struck some of the children, but I think it’s still safe to be outside if you bathe in vinegar and wear plastic clothes as a precaution.

Conflicting reports surfaced last Friday claiming that Lindsay Lohan’s MySpace and Blackberry accounts had been hacked. Although her publicist claims it was a hoax, former beauty queen Shanna Moakler seemed pretty sure it was in fact the real Lindsay’s private account, because she posted the following on her own MySpace:

and since there are 2 little girls with to much time on their hands and no one to love them… id like to share my “hacked” info as well. ive tried to disassociate myself from both these parties for some time now and like a fungus they wont go away.

Paris Hilton: princessph@mycingular.blackberry.net
310-801-0148

djllohan@tmail.com (cause we like to pretend we are people we will never be talented enough to be)
Lindsey Lohan: labellavita7@tmo.blackberry.net

Bear in mind that Shanna is 32 and Lindsay and Paris are in their twenties. Three grown-ass women behaving like a bunch of fucking eighth-graders. The only reason I even decided to post this drivel now is because the phone number listed on Shanna’s MySpace actually belongs to Paris Hilton. No hoax about it — give Ms. Hilton a jingle and listen to the message. She won’t answer your call, but it’s worth it to finally get to call Paris Hilton a “fucking useless piece of shit” yourself. You know, instead of having to write all those pissy letters to your senator or mailing her those bits of the hedgehog you scraped off the interstate. Roadkill doesn’t exactly have a shelf life, you know. Unless you vacuum-seal it and put it in the freezer — then it can last for weeks!

Scarlett Johansson and her massive rack hosted “Saturday Night Live” this weekend, which I’m sure you missed because “Saturday Night Live” sucks big time. If somebody had told me that big boobies were going to be on TV this weekend, I might have actually stayed in instead of blacking out at the bar again. Which I only did after some girl broke a pitcher over my head when I spat in her face. She kept trying to make me put my top back on like she was my fucking mother or something. I’m fairly certain there’s a law mandating that all Saturday nights include boobies, and she was clearly in violation of said law, but the cops still wouldn’t arrest her when they got there. They picked on the topless girl sleeping in a puddle of her own vomit under the foosball table. Bastards. The next time titties are going to be on SNL, I’m staying home for sure.

More ScarJo boobage after the jump

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I don’t know what’s going on here because I did absolutely no research whatsoever, but I figured Jessica Biel’s ass pretty much speaks for itself in any given situation. Like in this picture, it’s telling me that you can never overdress when taking your dog to the park for a game of fetch or croquet or whatever the hell it is she’s doing. Rowr. And then it’s also telling me that you can’t trust little people because they steal. I don’t know any midgets personally, but I’m sure a behind like hers only spouts gospel truth and maybe makes chirpy little Charro-type noises whenever she walks away, so it’s obviously true.

More of Biel’s caboose after the jump

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Pete Doherty soaks the paparazzi. (Seriously? OMG)

Anna Kournikova, Leash Nazi. (CelebSlam)

Vintage Angelina during the smoking and cutting phase. (The Bastardly)

Kate Couric boozing it up? (Celebitchy)

Timbaland before & after the industry game. (FourFour)

If you don’t shop at H&M already, Kylie Minogue will open your wallet. (CityRag)

On an entertainment-less ten hour flight to London last week, “Dancing with the Stars’” Heather Mills decided to treat passengers to a foxtrot in the skies. The Post-Chronicle reports:

Heather Mills’ impromptu dance routine on a recent flight to Britain was greeted with silence from her fellow passengers. [She]was on a flight from Los Angeles to London when the entertainment system broke down. Heather decided to try and put a smile on the travelers’ faces by performing a foxtrot down the aisles with [her Dancing with the Stars partner] Jonathan Roberts. However, the passengers were not impressed and failed to applaud the couple when they finished.

A spokesman for airline Virgin Atlantic said the dance routine was Heather’s idea.

The spokesman did add, however, that pulling off her leg and playing “Monkey in the Middle” with it was actually the pilot’s idea; putting the Visine in her glass of white wine and a pinhole camera in the first-class bathroom was Jonathan’s idea; but letting the co-pilot fingerbang her in front of the whole crew and then spooge on her stump was all Benjamin Franklin’s Heather’s doing.

You know what ruins a perfectly good upskirt? Besides underpants, I mean? Only seeing one labia hanging out. It’s aesthetically displeasing. Asymmetrical and lacking balance, it evokes a Sisyphean sense of eternal inconsequence. And also, who wants to see half a beaver? Seriously! Mischa Barton think about that the next time she flashes her snatch for the camera.

UPDATE: Sorry if you can’t make out Meesh’s beef curtain — I’m not allowed to post extreme vagina shots here, but I can sure as hell link them!

The one-lip reveal and some other candids in London after the jump

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Super single actress Cameron Diaz and the Hilton sisters headed to Teddy’s in Hollywood for an evening of dancing and mashing cysts in a public restroom. Fun! According to Us Weekly:

Cameron grabbed Nicky [Hilton] and the two held hands as they headed to the ladies room. Once inside the bathroom, they stared at themselves in the mirror, complaining about the nasty pimples on their faces. Then they both began popping their zits!

And to think, Justin Timberlake let that escape. She’s probably one of those kind of girls that calls you into bathroom, yelling “You won’t believe how big this thing is!” or bends over and asks you to check if that spot looks more like ringworm or impetigo.

More of Pimple Popper, M.D. drunkenly stumbling to her car after the jump

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Britney Spears’ father released a statement yesterday faulting his own daughter for her custody woes and tanking music career. Jamie Spears told Page Six:

“When [former manager] Larry Rudolph talked Britney into going into rehab, he was doing what her mother, father and team of professionals with over 100 years of experience knew needed to be done. She was out of control. Larry was the one chosen by the team to roll up his sleeves and deliver the message, to help save her life. The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter’s statements about him over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. We will forever be grateful to him.”

Britney’s response?

“I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It’s sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman’s love.”

I thought making your dad accept your “real woman’s love” was called “incest” and was accompanied by fun stuff like “stillborns with tails” and “jail time.” I guess it’s different in the great state of Louisiana. I didn’t actually see her make the statement firsthand, but you can bet she grabbed a handful of puss, bit her lower lip, and gave a few well-timed Rick Rude pelvic thrusts for each syllable of the “real (thrust) wo-(thrust) man’s (thrust) love (thrust)” part. You know, for emphasis. It just makes more of a point that way.

Jessica Alba flashes her panties. (Drunken Stepfather)

Tom Arnold burns Nick Lachey. (Jossip)

Lauren Conrad’s sex tape is bo-ring. (Socialite Life)

Fantasia Barrino taking, uh… “sexy” pictures of herself. (IBBB)

Lindsay Lohan’s Gmail and MySpace get published without permission. (Egotastic)

Britney Spears begins the plastic journey to perfection “not being fat.” (About: Celebrity Gossip)