Kelly Brook in a bikini… yum. (The Bastardly)
Marilyn Manson passed on The Firecrotch. (MollyGood)
The Sopranos’ “Oh Face” face off. (CityRag)
Michael Jackson owns Eminem. (Seriously? OMG)
Nicole Richie… pregnant? (popbytes)
Jessica Biel channels the super’s wife. (CelebSlam)
Trade your old car for a pair of Motorized Pink Bunny Slippers. (CubeMe)
Enjoy the above clip of Lindsay Lohan giggling like a stupid twat while advising against the dangers of drinking and driving. Sure, the clip’s two years old, but now you can officially add hypocrisy and the powerful painkiller OxyContin to the ever-growing list of Lindsay Lohan’s vices. Her estranged father tells E! Online:
“I spoke to the people treating Lindsay, because I wanted to make sure she was getting the right care. And I’m satisfied they are… helping her detox from the [OxyContin]. And I learned they use the 12-step program, which includes a lot of lessons based on God’s teachings, so I was satisfied with that. First she needs to get clean, then she needs to let God into her life.”
Michael explained that after the detox period for alcohol and opiates, Lindsay would receive treatment and counseling for other drugs, including cocaine. He also said he wanted to make sure Lindsay would be getting religious counseling.
Well, Jesus might not mind tossing a drug-using drunkard a bone, but even the Savior draws the line at helping hypocrites. You remember the Seven Woes of the Pharisees (from Matthew 23):
[Jesus said] “Woe to you… you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean… you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”
Has a more apt description of LiLo ever been written? Except for the “beautiful on the outside part,” I mean. My “Jesus for the Modern Teen” Bible offers this more contemporary translation: “You’re pathetic, you stupid skank! You are like the strippers at Scores, which have big tits on the outside but on the inside are full of cigarette butts and the spunk of countless men.” Thus saith the Lord!
“American Idol’s” Paula Abdul is the epitome of emotional stability. According to Page Six:
In a sob-filled audio tape.. Paula Abdul is captured having a meltdown during a recent conference call. [She said] “I’ve been going through tremendous amounts of a difficult time… And I’ve never in my entire career been treated this way. I don’t understand how [former publicist Howard Bragman] can call me a whining bitch. I’ve never in my life been called a whining bitch and a loser.”
Indeed. I’ve never spoken with this Bragman fellow personally, but I do know that I’ve never heard those particular words used to describe Paula Abdul. It’s usually just “retarded” or “incoherent” or “dumber than a bowl of fucking mice.” But I must admit that “whiny loser bitch” has a certain “je ne sais quoi” to it. Just like “lunatic saggy tits” and “ball sniffer.”
In an effort to make Paris Hilton’s jail time as meaningless as possible, L.A. authorities have hand-selected a non-violent offender to be her cell mate and issued a stringent list of instructions regarding her treatment. TMZ says:
Jailers were looking for someone who they believe will not try to cash in on Hilton’s stay… [and] are already conducting searches of anything electronic — they are prohibiting cameras, cellphones and the like. A memo has gone out to the staff, warning them that anyone who takes pictures of Paris will be disciplined — i.e., fired. A “written protocol” has already been prepared especially for Paris’ stay, detailing “when and how things should be done for her.”
Things like “duration of each ass kiss” and “how much nose-to-crack ratio is preferable,” I guess. Christ. That doesn’t sound anything like the female incarceration documentaries I watched last week. Nobody held the hand of Maria de Guerra in “Frauengefängnis.” They did unbridle her insatiable lust, though. And what about the girls in “Caged Heat?” The didn’t have any big fancy lawyers to get them out of jail in half the time. All they had were their “white-hot desires melting cold prison steel.”
More of Paris Hilton en route to a recording studio after the jump
I’m plunging ahead with the new low of calling a little kid faggy today. I know, I know — every time you think I couldn’t possibly lower the bar any further — bam! I find a new way to debase myself and the good name of celebrity gossip. Well, you try to refrain from using the words “faggy” or “gay-ass” when describing this photo of six year old Rene Charles posing with mommy Celine Dion on the cover of Hello! magazine. If the name Rene hasn’t already assured him a lifetime of chester-baxters and ass-kickings, that glossy mane of caramel curls pretty much guarantees he’ll be an anus bleacher. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course!
Paris Hilton can’t stop crying. (Defamer)
Elizabeth Hasselbeck refuses to be dumped. (Jossip)
Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman get their claws out. (Celebitchy)
Nicole Richie invites you to piss on the memory of fallen soldiers. (CelebNewsWire)
Revel in the glorious cheese that is the second season of “Supernatural.” (Pajiba)
Calum Best does some blow and a little tag team action with a couple of hookers. (Dlisted)
Lindsay Lohan wants to kill herself now — the hard way, with knives and Advil. (Gabsmash)
Britney Spears may have found a place even more “humbling” than rehab: wallowing in her own puke in front of a men’s room shitter. London’s The Sun reports
The Toxic star had to be carried out of the men’s toilets of [Mondrian Hotel’s swanky Sky Bar] on Sunday night after she was discovered vomiting uncontrollably. Out of it, she was overheard telling hotel staff: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Things aren’t going well for me at the moment.” The troubled pop princess… was then carried out of the bar sobbing and covered in sick.
A source said: “Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off. She looked a real mess and was sitting on the floor with her head over the bowl throwing up. There was vomit down the front of her black dress and around her mouth. Britney was on her knees and must have been sick four or five times.”
Of course, there isn’t any footage of Brit cradling the crapper while throwing up uncontrollably, so I present the next best thing: the Mr. Creosote scene from Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life.” If you ever had your doubts about puke being funny, prepare to be enlightened like you never thought possible. You’ll have to use your imagination and envision stringy platinum extensions and a twangy Louisiana drawl, but the overall effect is still the same. Namely, that throwing up is awesome, and Britney Spears is a disgusting loser. Yet another hilarious case of life imitating art!
If you want a dress that’s a little bit “slut” and a little bit “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,” look no further than Jessica Simpson here. She and her boobs lumbered around outside of Cannes in what I’m pretty sure was Carmena Luvana’s quinceañera dress in “Fresh Fifteen and Never Been Fucked.” It gives a whole new meaning to the term “pounding the piñata,” doesn’t it? And also to “clarifying shampoo.”
Britney Spears is done wishing you “Godspeed” and now wants you to know just how not-her-fault rehab was. She writes the following on her personal site (expertly translated below for the layperson):
Dear Fans,
Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. Till this day I don’t think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if anyone is a family person… it is me.
Translation: I gave my mom the finger and going to rehab was my manager’s fault.
I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a “bitch.”
Translation: I’m a stupid bitch.
I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change… so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me.
Translation: Not wearing panties and puking in public = using my brain for a change. (See “I’m a stupid bitch” for further assistance.)
I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America. I am only human people…
Translation: I get a lot of stains on my clothes. Eating is hard!
There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That’s God’s job. I can’t wait to meet him…or her.
Love, Britney
Translation: I’m ready to meet my maker. Somebody please fucking kill me already! Shotgun, pick-ax, tire iron, whatever!
It’s official, boys and girls! Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab for a second time. Her rep tells People magazine:
“Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility.”
Since when did being a out-of-control slut qualify as a “medical condition?” No, seriously. I need to know. Those bastards at the office can’t fire me for blowing the vending machine guy in the break room or the taking a crap through the open sunroof of the senior VP’s car if I can just rustle up an actual doctor’ note explaining my “condition.” Ha, ha! And parry and thrust, motha fuckas!
Jaime Foxx wants you to follow the light. (MollyGood)
Heather Locklear knows how to stuff a wild bikini. (Egotastic)
Britney Spears is has a stain. (The Bastardly)
Jessica Alba is the sexiest dork you’ll ever meet. (Fatback)
Rihanna figures out the best way to distract from her forehead. (Drunken Stepfather)
Lily Allen was a naughty school girl. (PipiLongTalking)
Olivia Munn as Princess Leia at Star Wars 30th Anniversary (Yeeeah! Forums)
You can toss that dog-eared copy of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and “Mein Kampf” and start imbibing the philosophical nectar that spurts forth from Jessica Simpson. Jess, fresh off a break up and a little stint in Europe, has been inspired by Michaelangelo to pen the following on her personal web site:
“Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we’ve mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this…
What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action?
Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better?I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I’ve discovered somewhere worth traveling to… In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I’m left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity. There is no discovery.
I “discovered myself” two times this morning already, and I don’t know what the big effin’ deal is. I consider it more “self-gratification” than “journey to enlightenment.” However, I am not currently on a quest, wherein must lie my problem. Unless you count the my quest for a fully functional Boba Fett Rocket Pack to go with my Signature Edition Episode VI Boba Fett Blaster and my Official Deluxe Boba Fett Star Wars Replica Helmet. Wait ’till the guys at the Magic: The Gathering Guild get a load of me then!
More of Jessica and John Mayer having a talk about their relationship in San Cabos after the jump
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