Kirsten Dunst Defies Mathematics
Sorry, you guys, but I can’t help it. Every time I think that Kirsten Dunst has absolutely topped out on the fugly scale, she shows up at another “Spider Man 3″ premiere in a different country looking even uglier than before. I’m sure that somewhere scientists in lab coats are dropping beakers and clutching their clipboards in disbelief. You just don’t think it’s mathematically possible to keep increasing fug exponentially like that. So I used a scientific calculator and tried to map it out on a graph, plugging in the right variables and cosine and tangent and all that good math-y stuff, and after two and a half hours and a bottle of Wild Turkey, the answer revealed itself: it turns out that Kirsten Dunst operates under the same mathematic principle as a black hole. Only instead of light and electron particles, she sucks up “anything remotely resembling beauty.” And the graph didn’t do one of those curving up-down lines like you’d expect. There were several intersecting lines, and when you put them all together it made a stick figure with little throw up lines emerging where the mouth would be. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Next year’s Nobel Prize has my name written all over it, baby.
More of the black hole in Stockholm after the jump
11 Comments, Comment or Ping
beerdotcom182
Did she borrow one of Britney’s wigs? That hair is…..wiggy beyond all reason.
May 2nd, 2007
Dragulf
I think she is rather pretty. I had a GF that looked a lot like her but with better teeth.
May 2nd, 2007
Osbourne Black
Math-y stuff? Did you shoot an azimuth and use an abacus in your sipherin’?
Naught x naught = naught
May 2nd, 2007
sonya
Looks like she put that dress together with her teeth.
Hello hello, is that James Franco warding off the fug factor in that last pic? Yummy.
May 2nd, 2007
abby
I see why “Anne of Greene Gables” wanted the dress with the puffy sleeves. Rowr!
May 2nd, 2007
RichPort
I’d punch her in the mouth, but I’d probably cut my knuckles on that sawtooth mouth of hers.
May 2nd, 2007
Ivve
My God, does she actually leave the extravagant hotel suite that she doesn’t deserve every day thinking, “Holy fuck I look good”? It’s not the fug that surprises me anymore — I’ve come to expect ugliness that toes the line between “awe-inspiring” and “unholy” when it comes to Dunst. What surprises me every time is the confidence she exudes when she’s wearing these horrible, horrible dresses. I’m almost expecting her to reveal that she’s been playing a joke on us for the past couple of years. Either that or admit that she actually uses sonar to choose her clothes, right before she turns into a bat and flies away.
May 2nd, 2007
GOD
The hair could be pulled off with a different dress. The dress could be pulled off with different hair. Personally, I prefer the grungy Kirsten. The one who looks like she doesn’t bathe and wears fucking leg warmers with shorts.
May 2nd, 2007
sonya
But unfortunately, the teeth can’t be pulled off with ANYTHING.
May 2nd, 2007
bionic bunny
i think she actually defies ALL natural laws. except the one about gravity. because obviously, somebody pushed her down and ruined her dress.
perhaps she thinks “HEFTY” is a designer label.
even tim burton’s characters dress better than that!
wink, wink@ sonya!
May 2nd, 2007
Bruna
Wow.
How superficial you guys are?
That girl is beautiful! SHe’s not some fake blonde with fake boobs and straight teeth.
in fact, it’s wonderful that she doesn’t want to straight her teeth. Just think about Vanessa Paradis, same thing, and with who she’s with? Johnny Depp. Girls, please wake up. Men are changing, they don’t want any fake girls now, or those skinny girls…no, all they want is something REAL. With all the imperfections included.
Jun 9th, 2007
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