Carmen Electra held a book signing yesterday to promote her new literary masterpiece “How to Be Sexy.” First things first — I don’t know that I’d trust a woman to school me in the art of seductiveness when she looks like a cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and the chick from “Flash Dance.” Really, did 1984 rape a kyphotic midget? No, no, no. Secondly, I wouldn’t pay a dime to read the musings of a woman who married a gay. Even if she did divorce him two years later and pose naked in men’s magazines most of her life. That’s like me asking the president to explain the finer points of global policy or a monkey to break down string theory and harmonics for me. Besides, who needs a book to explain sexy? That’s why they have porn. And anyway, all you have to do is open your mouth and wait for the load. Maybe stick your tongue out a little and lick your lips. It’s pretty simple. And I just saved you $22.95!

More fug after the jump

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