I was going to entitle this “Miss USA Eats It,” but then I figured you’d all be expecting some kind of lesbian buffet and be disappointed by the fancy lady falling down. There are two things I don’t tolerate in this world, and “fancy ladies falling down being dismissed by a bunch of loser ingrates” is one of them. Rachel Smith’s fall should be savored like a fine wine, or like the salty finish of my fist in your face. That’s right, suckas! The other one I don’t do is “pacifism.”

In what could possibly out-gay the “dance-off” as the best way to settle a score, Cameron Diaz plans to out-arrive nemesis Jessica Biel at the MTV Movie Awards in June. A source tells Page Six

“It’s becoming a big deal because the girls both want very separate arrival times. Nobody knows who Cameron is going to bring, if anyone. But if Jessica walks with Justin [Timberlake], Cameron will want to bring a date. If Jessica goes alone, Cam will probably walk alone. It’s a mess.” The biggest stars are usually the last to walk the carpet - a position both glam gals are fighting to snag. Diaz… wants to avoid the “humiliation” of having an earlier arrival time than Biel at the MTV event. The ceremony is also being carefully crafted to avoid a run-in because Diaz was nominated in the best-kiss category. “Jessica is definitely not presenting that one.”

That’s fucking stupid. I think the best way to defend your honor on the red carpet would be to stonily pull off a leather glove, finger by deliberate finger, and lightly dust your opponent’s face with it. Then have some “handler” present a pair of pistols on a red satin pillow and instruct you to walk thirty paces with your backs turned. If it’s good enough for Aaron Burr, by God, it’s good enough for two idiots fighting over some douche who thinks he brought sexy back. It sure showed the Federalist Party who was boss!

More of Sharky at the “Shrek the Third” photocall in Tokyo after the jump

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Lindsay Lohan has finally seen the light — and all it took was video footage of her doing cocaine, a DUI arrest, and photos of her puking on the sidewalk. According to In Touch Weekly :

After a wild weekend that saw her arrested for DUI early Saturday morning — and out of it in a car just two days later — Lindsay Lohan is seeking treatment. “She finally realizes it’s the right thing to do,” a close friend of the 20-year-old actress [said]. “She is going willingly.” Lindsay is due to check into Promises in Malibu this afternoon (LA-time), the facility that Britney Spears entered after shaving her head.

And that’s the ticket right there. If something doesn’t work the first time, well, then, do it again — but this time with gusto. Second time’s always a charm, especially if it’s already confirmed ineffectual. Like that one time my Geo Tracker wouldn’t start. I marched right over and kicked my neighbor square in the balls, but hell if the car still wouldn’t start. Obviously, the problem there was that I wasn’t kicking him hard enough. Not the alternator. So the logical next step was another swift kick to his groin, only this time with more heel-to-scrotum surface contact and a couple of “aftershock” pumps for good measure. You see what I’m getting at here? All Lindsay really needs is a couple of good kicks in the puss and she’d be fine.

More footage from Saturday night’s crash after the jump

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In honor of the Memorial Day holiday, it’s time for another round of “Name That Celebrity!” Today’s edition: Public Puke. First, take a look at the above photograph garnered by the good folks at X17 Online and see if you can’t figure out which overpaid fuckwad is barfing there on the sidewalk. To clarify, it is NOT:

a) some kind of perverse ocular sex act between a fat guy and a hobo

b) a mafia-style hit on Eminem gone incredibly gay

c) a priest offering benediction to Rocky Balboa’s effeminate older brother

Guess away! The big, shameful reveal after the jump

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Fomer “O.C.” star Mischa Barton spent the weekend in an L.A. hospital after mixing booze with prescription antibiotics. TMZ reports:

[Barton] was at a friend’s Memorial Day BBQ enjoying a few holiday cocktails when she began to feel extremely ill. Mischa, who has been quite sick with bronchitis since traveling to Cannes, London and Paris the past several weeks, apparently didn’t [know] that you can’t drink alcohol while taking antibiotics! The 21-year-old celeb was rushed to an undisclosed medical facility in Los Angeles.

You know what else you can’t mix with alcohol? Your best friend’s husband, a shower without one of those grippy rubber mats, and a four-year old’s birthday party. You’d think the little bastards had never seen daddy naked and bleeding from the head before. Or staggering around with a throbbing erection, for that matter. Kids are just so sheltered these days!

Fergie recycled Courtney Love’s tiara and Britney Spears’ school girl kilt for an unoriginal performance at The House Of Blues in Atlantic City this weekend. I’d say someone also owes Stephen Hawking and Joe Cocker some royalties while they’re at it. You just can’t go around stealing people’s signature moves and passing them off as your own without somebody eventually noticing. That’s where the law really comes in handy. I went ahead and patented the “Saucy Carlito Disappearing Thumb” blow job last December, just to keep from being ripped off. If your girlfriend’s been using both hands and appears to have an extra thumb and no gag reflex, that means she’s totally violating copyright and patent laws and therefore owes me money. I have lawyers, people! Good ones! You might have seen their DUI commercials! On cable access! At two in the morning! It’s hard to lose when the law’s on your side, baby.

More of Fergie at the House of Blues after the jump

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After coking it up and pile driving a roadside shrubbery with her car Saturday night, Lindsay “Nose Candy” Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and leaving the scene of an accident. According to Fox News:

Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m. It appeared Lohan was speeding… [and] officers at the scene found a “usable amount” of a drug tentatively identified as cocaine. Lohan was driven in another car to a hospital for treatment of minor injuries. The two other people in her car were not hurt. Officers arrested Lohan at the hospital for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Lohan will have to appear in court to answer the citation.

Usually I’d have no problem coming up with something snarky to say about “Lindsay Lohan” and “cocaine” and “DUI arrest.” It’s shooting-babies-in-a-barrel kind of easy. Unfortunately, this morning I woke up with rug burn on my face and a raging urinary tract infection, so I’m going to spend the next thirty minutes sitting on the toilet with a tub of Vaseline instead. Consider it my metaphorical burn/living testament to Lindsay Lohan. It’s what we in the business like to call “interpretive satire.” You hear that, New Yorker? “Interpretive satire?” That little bit of highbrow could have been all yours six months ago! Before all the restraining orders and trespassing arrests, that is. Assholes.

HAA!!!! Speaking of “Old Vein Arms McGee…” (Jossip)

Leonardo DiCaprio is terrified of Jessica Simpson. (Celebitchy)

Madonna’s brother really needs to shut the hell up about who looks like shit and who doesn’t. (A Socialite’s Life)

A shard of glass? I totally called this. (DListed)

Britney in fishnets. Again. Sigh… (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

Oh jeez. For the love of… OK, just put me down for Team Hasselbeck. (BWE)

Metallica Drummer/Accomplished Douchebag Lars Ulrich and his wife, Actress I’ve Never Heard Of Connie Nielsen gave birth to a baby boy earlier this week. People reports that the baby was born May 21 and the couple has named him Bryce Thadeus Ulrich-Nielsen.

This poor kid. He’s been alive for only five days and already he stands about a 98% chance of getting his ass handed to him on a daily basis by the time he’s eight. Let’s see… Dad is a Huge Pussy? Check. Faggy name? Check. The only way fate could have been worse to this kid is if he was born with his heart on the outside of his body.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt took a break from collecting the Earth’s children to attend the premiere of Brad’s shitty new movie, Ocean’s Thirteen at Cannes yesterday.

I’ll be honest with you folks. I can barely muster up enough “giving a crap” to make any jokes about this. But I will say that Brad is looking rather dapper, and the whole side part look he’s rocking is strangely appealing. Old Vein Arms McGee, on the other hand, makes me just want to shove whoopie pies and cheeseburgers down her gullet until she cries.

More photos of America’s perfect fucking couple, after the jump.

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Admittedly, I’ve never seen an episode of The View. Not a single one. My taste in daytime television ranges more towards chanting audience members, fistfights, and the “backstage run of shame” that comes with a paternity test not going your way. But if this is the kind of quality theatrics I can come to expect from estrogen hour? Sign me up!

The bitchfight heard round the world continues, with the choosing of the sides. Right now it seems as though everyone is jumping aboard team Rosie, including Alicia Silverstone, who was all, “Hell to the NO! I ain’t hugging that scrawny-ass bitch!” on yesterday’s episode.

Next up, Rosie’s head writer, Janette Barber was allegedly escorted from The View headquarters after drawing moustaches on framed photographs of Hasselbeck.

But the most shocking Hasseldiss of all came from none other than Rosie’s nemesis Donald Trump.

“The sad part about Elisabeth is that she is the dumbest person on television,” Trump told “Inside Edition.” “I mean she’s supporting the war in Iraq, which is pretty hard to do.”

And that, my friends, is pretty much the most incredible thing that could ever possibly happen, unless He-Man should someday take Skeletor’s side in a “Skeletor vs. Hasselbeck” argument.

The skinnier, slightly more rat-faced Olsen has just landed her first co-starring television role without a prominent catchphrase, on Showtime’s dark comedy series “Weeds.” From the Hollywood Reporter:

“Weeds” marks Olsen’s first major solo role. Since their debut on ABC’s hit comedy series “Full House” at age 9 months, Olsen and her twin sister, Ashley, have starred together in a string of kids and tween-oriented series and movies for television and video.

Olsen’s role on the edgy Showtime series about a pot-dealing mom (Parker) also is a departure from the wholesome, PG characters she and her sister have played and opens a new chapter in her acting career.

That’s funny. I would bet that Mary Kate’s drug of choice smacks more of the powdered variety. Personally, I can tell you that back in my own pot-smoking days, a typical “post doob snack” would run the gamut of a family-sized sausage calzone, a pound of pistachios, a box of Swiss Cake Rolls and a large bag of Fritos “Scoops” dipped in ketchup. But I’m pretty sure not even one of those food items would fit inside an Olsen. I know it’s TV and all, but even for fiction, that’s asking a lot.

More photos after the jump Of Mary Kate trolling around in the carcass of some poor dead ostrich at the Costume Institute Gala earlier this month.

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