Some dumbass paid $350,000 to kiss “Booker” from Roseanne. (Mollygood)

Britney carries around one of her babies. Aww. With her big sloppy, unwrangled tits hanging all over the place. Eww. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Eva Mendes dresses decidedly classier for the AIDS benefit. (The Bastardly)

Kelly Preston bikini pics. Now with less Travolta! (Egotastic)

Kate Beckinsale rocks the post-pregnancy bod. Others? Not so much… (Celebfart)

Pajiba’s Dustin comes out of the American Idol closet! (Pajiba)

Michael Jackson decided to take time out of his busy schedule of sprinkling fairydust and making friends with rainbows to attend some faggy Prince’s birthday party. MSNBC Reports:

The surgically altered performer, who hasn’t had a hit record in years, is reportedly getting $10 million to appear at a birthday party for a prince of Brunei — and he doesn’t even have to sing.

Jackson is getting the eight-figure fee for mingling with other guests at HRH Prince Azim of Brunei’s 25th birthday party in England this weekend. The royal is said to be spending a total of $14 million for the celebration.

10 million dollars?! Since when did Michael Jackson start shitting gold bricks and pissing Dom Perignon? It’s a shame they didn’t ask me first, because for just 8 dollars and a bottle of Night Train, I could have found a sexually ambiguous bum and gotten him to do the job. While the make-up might not look totally accurate; between the vacant, incoherent look on his face, unintelligibly inappropriate comments, and unsolicited ass rapings for the Prince’s 12 year old cousin — you’d never know the difference.

Cinema Against AIDS held a benefit in Cannes, yesterday… But I’m pretty sure Rose McGowan thought she was participating in a Whore-Off. While the other attendees, which included a variety of actresses and models all elegantly gowned, Rose showed up in this ensemble which can only be described as “Slutty Mermaid.”

Although to be fair, this is Rose McGowan we’re talking about, so anytime she shows up at a red carpet event wearing more than chain mail and pasties it should probably be considered a minor victory.

More boob cleavage, ass cleavage, rib cleavage and a severe case of wonk-face after the jump.

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After yesterday’s Rosie vs. Hasselbeck throwdown on The View, both sides are scrambling to tell their story. Naturally, Elizabeth Hasselbeck went straight to Extra to give her side:

“I am fine,” Hasselbeck, 29, tells TV’s Extra. “We are used to debating things there. You have women who care a lot about things.”

Asked what it will be like going to work on Thursday, Hasselbeck says, “It’ll be a little awkward, I’m sure. Whenever we have a heated debate, the next day is awkward. I bet we’ll talk about some fun things.”

Rosie, on the other hand, always demonstrating unparalleled class, gave the following “statement” on her blog:

a split screen
new heights
or lows
depending on who u ask

Well ladies, I think there’s only one way to solve this, and it involves shiny spandex, Mexican wrestling masks and a ring full of chocolate pudding. I guess we’ll give Elizabeth an American Gladiators-style “pugil stick” since she’s at a slight physical disadvantage. Oh, and while we’re at it, throw in some diaper-wearing midgets to taunt and poke them with sticks. Yeah, that’s the ticket! Then we’ll just tape it and sell it on pay-per-view for $75 a pop. That’s what separates me from most people; the entrepreneurial spirit.

Well, American Idol wrapped up last night with a two hour finale. Gah! I think I’d prefer a two hour unwarranted tooth drilling, sans Novocain, with a simultaneous colonoscopy. On that note, I’m sure you’re all just dying to know who won: the chick I don’t give a crap about or the dude I don’t give a crap about. Aaaaand, the winner is Jordin Sparks! (I’m being told that this is the chick.) People reports on the festivities:

The wrap-up also featured Green Day, Tony Bennett, Gwen Stefani, Gladys Knight and Bette Midler. Kelly Clarkson sang a defiant new rock song that made her sound like Meat Loaf…

Green Day and Bette Midler? Well, it’s about fucking time! And so, in one fell swoop, Green Day manages to alienate their core fan base and piss on the smoldering remains of punk rock credibility left in their career. Congratulations, guys. You’ve earned it.

As far as the Kelly Clarkson thing goes, I don’t even know what to say about that. I know a lot has been said about Kelly lately, but comparing her to Meatloaf is pretty much one of the worst things you can do to a girl, other than maybe “death by stoning.”

Nicole Richie may or may not have been in rehab. (Celebitchy)

Did the Hef’s crusty old sperm Git ‘R Done? (I’m Not Obsessed)

BITCHFIGHT!!!!! (Metadish)

Scott Stapp isn’t just a wifebeater, he’s pretty much illiterate, too! (The Evil Beet)

John Mayer is pretty much the worst comedian ever. Yes even worse than Carrot Top and Gallagher. (The Blemish)

Gah! Jesus fucking Christ, enough already! We believe you’re not gay, and your marriage is perfect. Now will you please just stop reproducing? (A Socialite’s Life)

If you haven’t already heard about the latest Britney Spears “Comeback Tour” debacle in Malibu this past weekend, Madonna’s brother is the latest to weigh in:

Christopher Ciccone sniffed to a Page Six source that Her Madgesty, his sister, “would never go onstage looking like that.” That, of course, was a tramp-ish get-up including white go-go boots and those ever-problematic hair extensions. Page Six adds that the Miami crowd — full of gay men and trannies – “sneered” at Brit’s look.

I just don’t know what’s worse: getting sneered at by a “lady” with a penis, or being told that you have lower standards than Madonna the Super Whore, who has probably at some point in her career fornicated with a donkey onstage.

I think the only way Britney could possibly sink lower for her next performance would be to get the squirts from binging on “Olean” Cheetos mixed with Smirnoff Ice right before she goes onstage, and crapping all over herself in the middle of a lip sync rendition of “Oops!…I Did It Again.”

More photos of Britney eerily channeling “Miss Piggy” during her performance, after the jump.

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If you’re like me, you’ve probably been dying to know what the fabulous Fran Drescher has been up to lately! Okay, well maybe that’s not entirely true. But imagine my shock to see these photos taken of Fran at the premiere of some USA Network movie, The Starter Wife (yeah, I didn’t know TV movies got premieres either…) looking surprisingly demure and not at all tacky for once in her life. Ohhh, but of course that would be too good to be true, now wouldn’t it?

Guess how Fran manages to fuck up this otherwise mature look for a 50 year old woman:

A. She forgot to wear pants, and all she’s wearing from the waist down are nude panty-hose, with a “maximum flow” maxi-pad shoved into her undergarments.

B. Purple lace miniskirt, black fishnets with a band-aid showing through, and clear plastic heels.

C. The suit is actually backless, showing off her sweet “old lady back” encrusted with various pimples and pockmarks.

The thrilling conclusion, after the jump!

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With her impending birthday early next month, Lindsay Lohan plans to party like it’s 1999. And no, I don’t mean the carefree, fun and sexy Prince 1999; I’m talking about the one where we all stocked up on bottled water and canned goods, and feared imminent mayhem and death. The NY Daily News Reports:

Alcoholics Anonymous member Lindsay Lohan has lined up Svedka vodka to sponsor her 21st birthday blowout in Las Vegas, a rep for the brand confirmed to us yesterday.

Lindsay’s mother, Dina, has confirmed she is involved with AA. So, in view of the circumstances, is having a vodka maker sponsor the first birthday of legal drinking age a great idea? Her rep said, “I am unaware of who is sponsoring Lindsay’s birthday, as I am not the one planning it.”

But Lohan’s lawyer Mike Heller confirmed the vodka deal. “This should be one of the best parties ever,” he told Us Weekly.

Dear. Sweet. Jesus. So basically, what they’re saying is that all of this “unbridled restraint” Linds has shown us lately means nothing more than her not being of legal drinking age yet? My god, people! It was all just the calm before the storm! I think we may be entering back into the age of duct taping plastic wrap over our windows; for all we know STDs may go airborne after this fiasco.

David “Bud Bundy” Faustino has been officially charged with marijuana possession stemming from an incident last week when the former child star was charged with public drunkenness after arguing with his estranged wife in the middle of the street. TMZ Reports:

TMZ has learned that former child star David Faustino (aka Bud Bundy) has been charged with possession of cannabis by the Florida State Attorney. After officers arrested Faustino for public drunkenness, cops say they found a baggie containing about a gram of pot on his person.

If convicted, Bud could face up to a year in the county lockup.

This story would probably be a little bit more interesting if the pot they found was to be used in some sort of hair-brained “get rich quick” scheme by Al, Griff and Jefferson, employing the shoe store to launder the money. But then Marcy finds out, Al makes some sort of derogatory remark about her breasts and she rats on them to the cops. Finally, just before Al is to be taken to jail, Kelly says something stupid and he replies “It’s alright, Pumpkin…” right before they slap the cuffs on him. Man, I love that show!

Katie Holmes has a doppelgänger, who is probably less anorexic but more “porney” then the original Katie Holmes (A Socialite’s Life)

Bai Ling will all but beat you over the head with her weird, gross nipples. (CelebNewsWire)

Angie to take a year off to spend time with her crayola-box family. (Jossip)

Bar Rafaeli shows up at the A Mighty Heart premiere dressed as a giant 70’s lampshade (The Bastardly)

Cameron, Sarah Jessica and Paris all shave their heads in support of Brit. Psssyyychhe! (Cityrag)

There’s no way Paris is carrying a real bible because I’m pretty sure it would be smoldering where it’s touching her skin. (Dlisted)

The Terminator was spotted out in Brentwood, CA this past Monday looking puzzled over what appears to be some giant radishes. Oh wait, what’s that? My sources are telling me that this is not in fact, The Terminator, rather Justin Timberlake’s latest beard, Jessica Biel. To be fair, though, I’m pretty sure Jessica Biel could kick the Terminator’s sorry ass.

Update: Apparently I do not know the difference between a radish and a beet, as well as The Terminator and Jessica Biel. But the consensus is that those things are probably beets. Beet, radish, whatever. Justin Timberlake is still gay and that’s one thing we all can agree on!

SECOND UPDATE! I am not the only one who thought they were radishes. Just sayin’…

More of Jessica shopping for vegetables with some pregnant lady after the jump.

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