Sorry to ruin your Friday like this, but this afternoon I have some unpleasant news. A new Van Halen tell-all book coming out later this summer apparently delves into David Lee Roth’s “unquenchable thirst for sex,” and sex “ordering” system he developed with his crew. The New York Post reports:

“…from the stage, [Roth would call] out, ‘Blonde, pink top, sector A-4,’ pointing out the girls he wanted to see after the show. Whatever crew member’s name Dave saw flapping around the girl’s neck backstage at the end of the night would get a $100 bonus at breakfast the next morning. As far as intimacy went, it was a little like the invention of the drive-through window at McDonald’s, but the morale of tour staff remained high.”

Yeah I know, that’s pretty despicable sounding. But it actually gets kind of better. The article goes on to say that as Roth aged he became sexually frustrated as the 24-hour Slut Drive Thru closed for business:

“He routinely vented some [bleep]ed-up male sexuality, inviting soccer moms from the front row for a drink from his trademark Jack Daniel’s bottle and then shaking the stage prop at groin level while [spraying] about a quart of whiskey on [their] heads,” Christe’s book relates.

Ahhhh, now we’re talking. Soccer moms. Karma is quite the chomp in the ass, isn’t it? At the rate he’s going, by the end of the decade the only women willing to take a drink out of his ol’ bottle of whiskey are going to be the ones pushing shopping carts and begging for change outside the liquor store.

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