This month’s issue of Shape magazine has a pretty sexy layout of Hilary Duff rockin’ some serious abs. I don’t usually read Shape unless I’m stuck on the crapper with only six month old Sports Illustrateds and a “Family Circus” collective as my alternatives, but this photo shoot may very well yield a subscription out of me. Who knew this chick was such a fox? When I saw this footage of Hilary on ET I actually did a comedic double-take — replete with a “Whaaa?” and an incredulous neck crane towards the television — before a monkey in a top hat dumped a glass of water in my lap and the TV started to melt.

Well… I think that’s what happened. I might have been having another acid flashback and just pissed my pants again. I don’t know anymore. Bottom line, I was wet, either from a glass of monkey-water or my own urine, and Hilary Duff is my new thinspiration. The end.

More screen caps of Hilary’s Shape shoot after the jump. As soon as HQ’s become available, I’ll update.

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American Idol Kelly Clarkson performed on yesterday’s “Good Morning America” for a smattering of fanny-packed tourists who were only there to wave to the cameras for their relatives back in Muncie and a couple of hot dog vendors that ran out of wieners and had nothing better to do. Several news venues called it a “disappointing and lackluster performance,” and Kelly looked — well, she seemed a little… boy, that’s some personality Kelly’s got on her, huh? I think that’s about all the personality you can pack into a pair of low-rise pants. Good thing they reinforced the zipper with half a dozen grommets and titanium eagle overlay. Kelly’s interview in next month’s issue of CosmoGirl offers this insight:

“For six months [in high school, I] was bulimic. One of my guy friends caught on to it, and I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I literally went cold turkey and snapped out of it.”

Well, unfortunately for her, it didn’t take. Not by a long shot. I think the real problem here was that her shame was misdirected. She should have tried being embarrassed by her big fat ass instead being ashamed of binging and purging. Nothing wrong with a little self-doubt, folks. It’s par for the course if you have a vagina. I haven’t spent a lifetime sucking in and crying in front of a mirror and sleeping with losers for nothing, you know. Three cheers for Jose Cuervo and laxatives! And don’t let’s forget the morning-after pill. Some gifts just keep on givin’!

More of the sausage in her casing after the jump

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It takes a lot of brains to outsmart a pile of camera-toting douches clamoring outside your car at four in the morning, so it should be noted that today’s mystery celeb is practically MENSA material. Also to be noted: the 6,000 other pictures taken that same night of her walking from Club Joseph’s down the street to the very car in which she sits are meaningless when faced with the clever “shirt-ed face” ploy. “Wait,” the paps are sure to have mused. “Is it still her? Perhaps the see-through turtleneck serves as a portal into an parallel dimension. Are we witnessing a rift in the space-time continuum that opens the door into alternate but symbiotic existence? And Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck is she doing with her panties? Oh… I see… the ‘The Executioner.’ Clever. Clever indeed.” Or maybe they just yelled something about X17 paying big bucks for that snatch shot and started elbowing each other for room. I can’t say for sure because I wasn’t there.

The answer to this celebrity brain-teaser revealed after the jump

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Paris Hilton’s retarded self-rendering. (Defamer)

Germany bans Tom Cruise. Leuchtend! (Bumpshack)

Ellen Barkin flirts with HIV. Racy! (MollyGood)

Pictures of Quentin Taratino indulging his foot fetish. (Dlisted)

Your penis thanks me in advance for these pics of Jessica Biel. (Fatback)

Ben Affleck’s hilarious beach boner. (Seriously? OMG)

Rosie O’Donnell passes on something other than the penis. (Celebrity Smack)

Since it’s been, oh, nearly thirty-six hours since we last saw Britney Spears’ nipple, she made sure to open the dressing room curtains in a Beverly Hills store while trying on only the bottoms of her swim suit. Since nobody follows her around taking her picture incessantly or anything like that. Explain to me how these sort of embarrassing revelations never seem to happen to male celebrities. I’ve yet to see Brad Pitt dangling out of his trunks at the pool or Owen Wilson peeking around a dressing room curtain with one wayward testicle. Nary a ballsac or wiener or even a foreskin tucked between the pages of a Star magazine, but I can’t turn around without getting slapped in the face with a celebrity beaver or poked in the eye with a celebrity nipple. I’d say it was sexist paparazzi propaganda, but then again, it’s probably because most girls are stupid with low self-esteem. Mystery solved!

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Supermodel Kate Moss has persuaded designer Roberto Cavalli to include boyfriend Pete Doherty in his latest fashion campaign. According to the Daily Mail

… It seems Cavalli’s hand of friendship extends to [Kate's] love life, as a heavily made up Pete [Doherty] becomes a fashion model for the designer’s autumn/winter collection. [Kate] is noticeably free of the wrinkles and gaunt complexion we have been used to seeing while [she] is off duty. Pete Doherty is pictured as a young Marlon Brando - his heavy eye-makeup, moody lighting and expensive threads show the man we are used to seeing drugged up, sweating and spotty. He is rumoured to be receiving a six-figure sum with Moss for two promotional campaigns for the Italian fashion tycoon.

My question is, why even bother with models anymore? Clearly PhotoShop has eliminated the need for a person to actually be attractive. For instance, Kate Moss really looks like this. And this. And everybody knows just how hideously ugly Pete Doherty is. Cavalli could just have marched into a free clinic and offered ten bucks and a carton of Merit Ultra Lights to whomever was inside and gotten the same results a lot cheaper. Or into a burn ward, for that matter. Or he could have just grabbed a big pile of afterbirth and placentas and wrapped a feather boa around it and instructed it to “make love to the camera.” I’m sure the post-retouching final results would look about the same.

More of “Pete” and “Kate’s” Cavalli shoot after the jump

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WWE superstar Chris Benoit allegedly murdered his family over the weekend before killing himself. According to London’s The Sun

Wrestling legend Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy and son Daniel have been found dead in their home in Atlanta, Georgia in a double murder-suicide say police. Cops believe that Chris murdered Nancy on Saturday, Daniel on Sunday and then committed suicide [yesterday]. Lead investigator Lt. Tommy Pope said: “The instruments of death were located on the scene.”

Before they knew the exact details of his death, the WWE put on a three-hour TV tribute to the star canceling all fake storylines because of the very real tragedy. In the Monday Night Raw show superstars such as Stone Cold Steve Austin and announcer Jim Ross said what a great man and father Benoit was.

A great father, sure! He ought to join the hallowed ranks of Lizzie Borden and the Menendez brothers in the “Family Man Hall of Fame.” The real tragedy here is that there’s a child involved, effectively rendering me incapable of such clever burns as “Was there a Canadian Crossface or a European Uppercut involved?” or “I heard the murder weapon found on the scene was an actual Irish Double-Ax Handle. What are the odds?” But as I’m sure you can tell from the preceding post, I have way too much class for that. I’m like Miss Manners, only with a much better rack.

UPDATE: Below are the times and content of text messages Benoit sent to co-workers, as first reported by WWE:

3:53 AM - Chris Benoit’s cell phone: “My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayeteville Georgia. 30215″
3:53 AM - Chris Benoit’s cell phone: “The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open.”
3:54 AM - Nancy Benoit’s cell phone: “My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane. Fayeteville Georgia. 30215″
3:55 AM - Nancy Benoit’s cell phone: “My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayeteville Georgia. 30215″
3:58 AM - Nancy Benoit’s cell phone: “My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayeteville Georgia. 30215″

Paris Hilton was released from jail early this morning. TMZ reports

After 23 days in jail, Paris Hilton is finally a free woman. The heiress was released from prison shortly after midnight on Tuesday. Law enforcement sources [say] that Paris lost nearly 10 pounds during her stay, and that on her way out of jail, she stopped to change clothes in a public restroom that “smells rancid.” Lynwood jail is happy to see Paris go, and they hope that things can now get back to normal.

In similar news, I had a “hanger-on” this morning that just wouldn’t break free. I strained and strained and gave my bottom a good side-to-side wiggle, but still, nothing happened. I finally enlisted the help of a handful of Cottonelle and the turd was begrudgingly liberated from its fleshly prison. Coincidence? Probably. I just couldn’t resist a good stubborn shit/Paris Hilton metaphor. Sometimes these things just write themselves!

More of the turd’s exodous from jail after the jump

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Here’s why NBC yanked its post-prison-Paris interview. (Jossip)

Cameron Diaz knows nothing says “high fashion” like Communist Chinese dictatorships. (Celebitchy)

Jennifer Love Hewitt gets hit with the middle-age spread a decade too early. (The Bastardly)

Skimpy pics of Eva Longoria in some magazine you’ve never heard of. (UseMyComputer)

Christina Aguilera’s boobs just scream “pregnant.” Or maybe that’s “jizz here.” What am I, a boob reader? (Drunken Stepfather)

If you thought Megan Fox’s Marilyn Monroe tattoo was lame, get a load of her ribcage poetry. (CelebNewsWire)

Britney Spears has updated her official website with the following cryptic message:

“Mother to Grandmother, and my my, you’re grand!”

Since that makes about as much sense as “Omg is Like Lindsay Lohan Like Okay Like” or the word “Dignity” appearing anywhere near the words “Britney Spears,” this little tidbit from X17 Online offers a little insight:

Britney’s visit to her attorney’s office [on Thursday] may have been part of Spears’ research into filing a restraining order against her own mother, to keep Grandma away from Jayden and Sean! Britney and Lynne’s relationship soured when Brit was forced into rehab by her family and management. We haven’t seen [Britney and her mother] together since.

Ooh, so it’s a riddle! I love riddles. Before Walgreen’s fired me, I made it a point to exclusively answer customers in riddles. Things like “Where can I find disposable razors?” were enlightened with “The myriad plastic blades you seek are on an aisle numbered for this day of the week: Wednesday.” I thought I was hot shit until some guy looking for wart remover threw a hot cup of coffee in my face and sent me toppling over a Massengill display of “Country Flowers” Disposable Douche. Touché.

More of Sad Tits McGillicuddy shopping at Baby Gap over the weekend after the jump

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Paris Hilton’s little stint in jail has effectively rendered her into a burgeoning philanthropist. Us Weekly reveals

Hilton [says] that she hopes to build a “transitional home” to help women when they are released from jail. “These women just keep coming back because they have no place to go,” she explains. Hilton says the home can be “a place to get food and clothes on their backs,” continuing that the recidivism rate is “a really bad cycle and if we stop it now, we can make our community a better place.”

I’m sure after her release tomorrow, we’ll see several more Parisian endeavors cropping up all over L.A., sprouting like benevolent genital warts on the metaphorical crotch of our country. Below are the Top Ten Paris Hilton Charitable Contributions we can expect to see next month:

10. “The Greased Palm,” a half-way home for out-of-work porn stars

9. Nationwide “Living with a Lazy Eye” seminars; guest speakers Forrest Whittaker, Teri Hatcher, and Bill Cosby

8. Bulimia “how-to” camp for fat girls

7. Speed-dating service for people with herpes

6. 12-step program for spoiled self-hating heirs and heiresses who constantly humiliate themselves

5. “I Get Fucked in the Butt for Coke” — a starter’s guide to race-bashing

4. Establishing local chapters of the “I Hate Lindsay Lohan” defamation club

3. Amber Taylor’s “Your Body, Your Right, Just Not Your Actual Name” campaign

2. “Kinkajous: A Menace to Society” call for government mandated extinction

and the number one charitable endeavor courtesy of the new Paris Hilton:

1. Snuff video starring the heiress giving fellatio to a twelve-gauge. Everybody wins!

I bet you wouldn’t believe me if I told you the above celebrity thigh was attached to a model under the age of 30. You’d harrumph your disbelief and then accuse me of sneaking into the nursing home with a telefoto lens again. Then you’d tell me how much I disgust you and ask me to pull my fucking pants up already. Well, for the record, asshole, I had nothing to do with “GotGranny.com” and that whole arrest was just an unfortunate misunderstanding. Can’t a girl do a little old, wrinkly, bedridden research without the local authorities getting all up in arms? Besides, the gerbils were only there to lower their blood pressures and the coke was all for me, no matter what The Poughkeepsie Times might have told you. Fucking Puritans!

The proud owner of the geriatric gams after the jump

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