I’m sure that you, like me, felt that “The Lords of the Ring” trilogy left too many questions unanswered. Things like: Are we really expected to believe that Olorin the Maia does not recognize the feel of the power of another Maia while in the Mines of Moria? Is Tom Bombadil gay? What does Aragorn’s wiener look like? And, most importantly, does a ring wraith have nipples? Well, yes — they do have nipples. And apparently implants as well. The only thing Demi Moore is missing in these pictures is her Nazgûl fell beast and a wraithblade dagger. I guess parking logistics and those “clean up after your pet” laws can be a real bitch when you’re piloting a winged shadow to the local mall.

A little Nemcova to get you through the weekend. (Popoholic)

Renee Zellwegger isn’t really a healthy looking person, she just plays one in the movies. (A Socialite’s Life)

If you required further proof that Britney’s career is in the toilet. I’m guessing you don’t, but it’s still fun to point and laugh. (Mollygood)

Eddie Murphy, in the case of the fuggo former Spice Girl’s 2 month old baby, you ARE the father! (Celebslam)

Lohan takes a break from rehab. (Egotastic!)

Whaaaa? The new Stephen King movie doesn’t suck? At ALL?! Now that is kind of frightening. (Pajiba)

Sorry to ruin your Friday like this, but this afternoon I have some unpleasant news. A new Van Halen tell-all book coming out later this summer apparently delves into David Lee Roth’s “unquenchable thirst for sex,” and sex “ordering” system he developed with his crew. The New York Post reports:

“…from the stage, [Roth would call] out, ‘Blonde, pink top, sector A-4,’ pointing out the girls he wanted to see after the show. Whatever crew member’s name Dave saw flapping around the girl’s neck backstage at the end of the night would get a $100 bonus at breakfast the next morning. As far as intimacy went, it was a little like the invention of the drive-through window at McDonald’s, but the morale of tour staff remained high.”

Yeah I know, that’s pretty despicable sounding. But it actually gets kind of better. The article goes on to say that as Roth aged he became sexually frustrated as the 24-hour Slut Drive Thru closed for business:

“He routinely vented some [bleep]ed-up male sexuality, inviting soccer moms from the front row for a drink from his trademark Jack Daniel’s bottle and then shaking the stage prop at groin level while [spraying] about a quart of whiskey on [their] heads,” Christe’s book relates.

Ahhhh, now we’re talking. Soccer moms. Karma is quite the chomp in the ass, isn’t it? At the rate he’s going, by the end of the decade the only women willing to take a drink out of his ol’ bottle of whiskey are going to be the ones pushing shopping carts and begging for change outside the liquor store.

Today’s edition of “Name That Celebrity” brings us the juiciest badunkadonk of all time. If you lived to be a thousand years old you probably wouldn’t see another ass that would even come close to this one. If somebody collects the DNA of the lady connected to this ass and in the future we’re genetically constructing society so everyone has an ass that looks like this — even then, it still wouldn’t compare to the original. It’s like the Mona Lisa of asses or some shit, y’know?

After the jump — the thrilling reveal. But if you haven’t already guessed it pretty much immediately, you should hereby be fired from reading gossip blogs.

(more…)

I know it’s mean to make fun of a teenage girl. Noted and accepted. Now for the love of everything holy, why won’t Brooke Hogan please put on some goddamn clothes for fuck’s sake, and stop reminding everyone that she is basically just a miniature Hulk Hogan with tits? Bleach blonde hair? Check. Healthy orangey skin? Check. Animal print spandex? Unnaturally creepy poses? Arms almost as big as waist? Check, check and check. All she needs to complete the look is a big honkin ’stache and she’d be legitimately more frightening than Dracula, the Wolfman and Frankenstein put together.

More totally unrehearsed poses after the jump.

(more…)

Isaiah Washington still can’t keep his fucking yap shut about faggotgate. In a surprisingly classy move, Washington has now taken the “blame the victim” route, issuing the following statement: (via People)

“They fired the wrong guy,” the actor, 43, tells his hometown paper, the Houston Chronicle. According to the Chronicle, Washington said his costar, T.R. Knight, was the one who should have been fired for stirring up controversy and creating a negative work environment – to win a raise and a bigger role for himself.

Sure, fire the gay guy! For being so fucking gay. That solves everything. Washington goes on to say:

Still, he says of his firing: “I’m not angry. I’m disappointed.”

Wait, now isn’t this is the same Isaiah Washington who issued a statement, via his publicist, literally just weeks ago which said, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more?” This guy is such a big fat lying liar he can’t even keep his lies straight anymore. I bet the next statement he releases says he never worked on “Grey’s Anatomy” to begin with and that he’s not even really black.

What an awesome idea — Hollywood Zombies! Collect ‘em trade ‘em race ‘em! (Cityrag)

Photoshop is a Fergie’s best friend. (Pop on the Pop)

Reese and Jake’s NON-relationship is NON-over. (Celebitchy)

Jessica Biel will make you cry with her hotness. (The Bastardly)

Paris will take home somewhere in the vicinity of a mil to tell the harrowing tale of three weeks in jail. So hypothetically, if I’ve done 2 years for armed robbery I’m looking at 700 million? Just checking. (Jossip)

Angelina needs another Oscar as much as she needs another kid. (dListed)

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher took time away from playing dominoes and having creepy sex to attend the Laura Day Book Party for The Circle: How The Power of a Single Wish Can Change Your Life.

Going by the title, The Circle sounds like another shammy self-help book for people filled with so much self-importance that they can’t use common sense to adequately navigate their own lives like everyone else. Although for Demi and Ashton a self-help book based on the power of wishing seems strangely appropriate. For instance, I bet right now she’s wishing that Ashton didn’t resemble a gay Jack Tripper and he’s probably wishing that Demi was approximately 20 years younger and didn’t have a surgically enhanced perma-grin stretched across her face.

More photos of the perfectly lovely couple after the jump.

(more…)

Fraggle-faced Simpson sister Ashlee Simpson allegedly spent eight hours in Ken Paves Salon on Tuesday doing God knows what, because she’s sporting some of the saddest, most raggedy-ass extensions I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t imagine how her natural hair could look possibly worse than this, because right now? She could glue a couple of dead Lhasa Apsos onto her head and it would be a huge improvement. I’m sure even PETA couldn’t argue with that.

More photos after the jump, none of which feature Ashlee not making some horribly contorted face. Your guess is as good as mine, folks.

(more…)

Here are some recent photos of Paula Abdul fresh off of her latest round of plastic surgery: a nose job after that extremely suspect incident with her dog. Although I am no expert, it appears as though her whole face is looking rather plasticy and smooth — more so than usual, anyway. If I had to wager a guess I’d say she opted for the whole Aging Pop Star 5-point Inspection and Tune-Up Special the clinic runs on Tuesdays. Poor Paula, if only they could fix “crazy” with silicon, masking tape and spackle — you’d have it made.

After the jump, more photos of Paula and her weird face — now 30% less biodegradable!

(more…)

Pauly Shore is getting sued by his neighbor Wes Craven for causing a landslide on his property. TMZ Reports:

In a lawsuit obtained by TMZ and filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, Craven says Pauly, his neighbor, slacked off in keeping up his yard, pool, spa, sprinklers, irrigation, swales, downspouts and slopes. As a result, Craven claims “water from the Shore Property intruded and infiltrated the Craven Property causing a slope failure/landslide” in December, 2006.

Craven, who caused millions to cringe in a string of horror movies, claims he “suffered and will continue to suffer severe emotional distress and anxiety…”

Now, I loathe Pauly Shore as much as anyone, and think that he deserves to get his ass kicked three ways to Sunday (for real this time, dipshit) — but don’t you think Wes Craven is acting like kind of a puss here? What kind of whiny asshole cries emotional distress over a little mud in their yard? In this litigious society, I think suing is pretty overrated. Can we maybe just get these two little girls to have an all out, no-holds-barred, hair-pulling contest and be done with it? And maybe air it on TV, sponsored by Pepsi. That would be perfect. Of course, that’s my answer to everything: nationally televised fisticuffs. Someday…

Matthew McConaughey on the beach with some 22 year old Brazilian model he’s nailing. It’s good to be McConaughey. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Since I know you’re all dying to know — what’s Britney’s hair been up to lately? (Seriously?OMG!WTF?)

Christina Aguilera is pregnant! (The Evil Beet)

Katie Holmes on the other hand, we’re not sure about yet. But one thing I am sure about is that this is the ugliest fucking swimsuit I’ve ever seen in my life. Goddamn Scientologists. (Egotastic!)

Tara Reid is still a sloppy, whorey mess. Would you really expect any better of her? (Mollygood)

C’mon gossip fans! Pick up a fuckin’ book already! Heh, no — kidding. Never leave us. Please. (Pajiba)