Sorry to do this to you guys, but I have some decidedly unpleasant news to bring forth today. It’s times like these that make being a gossip blogger the most difficult job in the world. But here goes — Paris Hilton used to fuck Jack Osbourne. There, I said it. The Sun elaborates, in a recorded interview with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne:

Ozzy said: “Paris was always hanging around our house. I’m not sure if she was a friend of KELLY or AMY — which one was it, Sharon?”

Sharon looked a bit sheepish and stumbled over her words as she replied: “She was Jack’s, erm, friend.” Ozzy’s jaw dropped and he exclaimed: “He didn’t shag her, did he? Well done, my son!”

I’ve already thrown up in my mouth four times in the process of composing this entry — which I assure you has nothing to do with the smell of my Lean Cuisine stuffed cabbages wafting from the direction of the microwave. I don’t know what else to say about this, except thank the holy God in heaven these two didn’t breed. I imagine the outcome would have probably been the fat, somewhat retarded wonky-eyed spawn of Satan himself.

In a move which will totally crap all over your childhood memories in a way you never dreamed possible, Scott Baio aka Chachi aka Charles joins the ranks of former co-star Willie Aames to star in his very own VH1 reality show, “Scott Baio is 45…and Single.” From the VH1 show description:

…Staring down the barrel of middle age, Scott has come to the end of his philandering rope. At 45, he finds himself at a mid-life crisis of mythic proportions, wondering why he’s still single, alone and still unable to settle down and commit to a substantial, meaningful relationship.

With the help of his long-time pals, Scott will be able to successfully sift through the wreckage of his past, and endure an assortment of life-altering activities, (including abstinence), in order to finally earn the chance at actually maintaining a meaningful, stable, healthy relationship.

Gah! When I think back to the raging stud from “Charles and Charge” and hear phrases like, “meaningful relationship,” “life-altering activities,” and “abstinence” — well, let’s just say the part of my libido still controlled by my eight-year-old self just downed a bottle of prescription meds chased by a bottle of vodka to end it’s own life. So much for getting off to unfulfilled childhood fantasies anymore. Thanks a lot, Scott Baio.

Now I don’t claim to understand Pamela Anderson, or why she does the things she does. For example, I wouldn’t advise wearing this hideous dress she has on — and I certainly wouldn’t advise against taking advantage of the buttons on said dress, which are clearly put there for a reason. But I guess most of all, I absolutely would not recommend going up to some random dude on the street and letting his dog lick all over my tits for all of creation to see. But I guess that’s what separates me from Pam Anderson — level-headed fashion sense and not wanting dogs to lick my boobs. Oh, and about eight cup sizes, of course.

More of Pam and her fuggo dress and the Amazing Breast Licking Dog after the jump.

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The saga continues. A Los Angeles Judge ruled on Tuesday that Howard K. Stern be named executor of the late Anna Nicole’s estate and Larry Birkhead gets — what else? The kid. People reports:

Attorneys will return to court later this year to review Smith’s assets, which Stern estimated at $710,000 – but which could grow substantially pending the outcome of a battle over the estate of Smith’s late husband, billionaire J. Howard Marshall.

Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff told the lawyers he was concerned about a clause in Smith’s will disinheriting any children born after her son, Daniel, who died last September three days after Dannielynn was born.

Well, Larry, while you may not have won the Grand Prize, Rod tell him what he has won! That’s right, Larry — you and a guest have won a no-expenses paid trip to fatherhood for the next eighteen years raising a genetic cocktail of bipolar disorder, substance abuse and sociopathy; with a splash of diet pills and silicon for good measure! But wait — there’s more! Larry has also won his dead BabyMomma’s white trash family, whom he is effectively chained to for the duration of the fatherhood. Congratulations, man! You’ve earned it!

Which Stewart sister is more fug? (The Bastardly)

Samantha Ronson v. Candy Spelling. What-the fuck-ever. (Jossip)

Score one for Team Aniston! (A Socialite’s Life)

OJ more or less confesses. Shock of the fucking century. (Celebitchy)

Get to know your local Sci-fi babe, Tricia Helfer. (Fatback and Collards)

Dane Cook goes for “Pop Culture Blasphemy” in the poster for his shitty new movie. (Best Week Ever)

Jesus Mary and Joseph. Stepford Wife is cultivating another Chinese Alien Baby. I can’t even. (Popbytes)

Hm. Apparently not everyone thinks that Motley Crue are “a bunch of fucking crybabies.” (QuizLaw)

Katharine McPhee performed at the Vegas Magazine 4th Anniversary Party this past weekend, and I have to say — girlfriend is smokin’ hot. To be honest, I’ve never seen “American Idol,” I don’t give a rat’s ass about “American Idol,” and I know literally almost nothing about “American Idol” — aside from my 57 year old mother’s morbidly fascinating admiration for Clay Aiken.

So it pretty much goes without saying that I don’t even know who the hell beat Katharine McPhee. But you know what? She was robbed. Seriously — as far as I’m concerned, if you look this good? You should be able to sing like Kermit the Frog and still get to be the American Idol. That’s what sound editing and post-production is for. Duh!

More shots of the Big Winner after the jump.

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Here are some photos of Nicole Kidman — who turns the big four-oh tomorrow — leaving Icebergs club in Bondi, Sydney. I know 40 isn’t exactly geezer territory, but what the fuck is wrong with her? I’ve seen 90 year old coma patients who looked more vivacious than Nicole Kidman does here. That lady is clinging onto her arm for dear life — as if for fear she may fall and break a hip, or that some ruffians may try to steal her purse.

More photos of “the new face of osteoporosis” after the jump.

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In the news this morning — Keri Russell gives birth to a baby boy, River Russell Deary; Julia Roberts spawned Henry Daniel Moder; Tiger Woods welcomes a baby girl, Sam Alexis — and finally to Kevin James (of “King of Queens”) a baby girl named Shea Joelle.

So what does this mean to you? Four babies, no jackass celebrity baby names, all born within wedlock. That’s right, not even a single bastard in the lot. What the fuck, Hollywood? This is the best you can do?! Are you trying to put me out of a job here?

Well, the day is still young. Hopefully someone will flash their vadge/ass/tits, be caught doing drugs, get arrested, or if we’re really lucky — start a feud. Otherwise, I got nothin’.

Oh, now this is a good one. TMZ is reporting that the four members of Motley Crue are suing their manager, Carl Stubner along with the management group which represents him for giving them “bad business advice” and attempting to “divert funds.” And what, pray tell, does said “business advice” pertain to?

Furthermore, the suit claims, Stubner forced Tommy Lee to “to become engaged in ‘reality’ projects that were bad career moves for Lee, harming [Sixx, Mars, Neil and Lee], the Motley Crue brand and Lee’s own image.” The suit calls the low-rated NBC show “Tommy Lee Goes to College” a “critical disappointment and a ratings disaster,” adding it painted Lee as “incoherent, lazy and incompetent” and made him “look like a laughing stock who could not carry a drum beat.” The suit also claims Lee’s participation on “Rock Star: Supernova” “diminished the public’s interest in Lee and their overall perception of his musical talents.”

Overall perception of his musical talents? Incoherent, lazy and incompetent? That’s a bit brazen, I’d say — considering that Tommy Lee is incoherent, lazy and incompetent. The only reason why anyone (aside from 39 year old dishwashers living in their mom’s basements) gives a flying shit about Motley Crue or Tommy Lee is because he married a playmate, made a sex tape, and most likely contracted Hep-C. You don’t hear Vince “McChubbyarms” Neil crying about doing the “Surreal Life” or “Queer Eye,” now do you?

Hilary Duff looks… better than usual. Huh! (Popoholic)

And speaking of anomalies — so does Jessica Simpson! The fuck? (Egotastic!)

Lohan cancels the Party of the Century. Dammit. (DListed)

Well, I didn’t say I wouldn’t link her in Quickies. Because, come on. (Metadish)

Oh yeah, Tyra’s a sprayer. I just know it. (Mollygood)

Don’t waste your money on the new Fantastic Four movie. Spoiler alert — it blows! (Pajiba)

Loyal Yeeeah! readers — here is my promise to you. These are going to be the first and last photos of Britney Spears I post this week. Unless she does something legitimately shocking like leaving the house and forgetting to put any clothes on whatsoever — and for Britney, that in itself would only be minimally shocking.

And why would I make such a rash declaration, you ask? Well here are some photos of Brit taken at Starbucks over the weekend. As you can see, Britney’s entire arm somehow fell out of the strap on her dress. Can someone please explain to me how this happens? At Starbucks, for fuck’s sake! I have a difficult time believing that even a colossal dipshit like Britney Spears has such a loose grasp on how clothing operates.

More NSFW photos after the jump. Lots more. Because, really — you’ve gotta see this. It’s just absolutely-fucking-ridiculous.

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Rick and Kathy Hilton spent Father’s Day visiting their daughter the Useless Whore in prison. People reports on the festivities:

Rick was asked if this was a particularly hard Father’s Day. “It’s not ideally my best,” he replied. Asked how he felt, he said: “I feel alright.”

After a 45-minute visit, they emerged hand in hand, and Kathy told reporters that Paris is “doing well, she’s doing very well. She’s doing much better. She made [Rick] a beautiful Father’s Day card with his picture.”

Not ideally his best? What’s wrong with this guy? I mean, Paris actually made him a Father’s Day card, all by herself. Even if it was made with toilet paper and contraband glitter, and she spelled “Father” wrong. I’m guessing that before this, the most thoughtful and personal Father’s Day gift Rick Hilton ever received from Paris was “Crabs left on the Hilton family toilet seat.”