Lindsay Lohan is a Victim
There have been conflicting reports regarding the car chase that prompted Lindsay Lohan’s arrest yesterday morning — that Lindsay was chasing an assistant that just resigned hours earlier; that Lindsay was chasing a recently-fired assistant and the assistant’s mother; both Lindsay and the assistant were being chased by the paparazzi; the assistant’s mother was chasing Lindsay; that several mountain lions and mind-controlling robots hijacked Lindsay and took control of the Denali SUV with their powerful computer brains. No one knows for sure. One thing we can all agree on: it’s not Lindsay’s fault. And fuck rehab. Lindsay’s mother told “The Insider”
“I am sick over this. My children, my family — we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi is staked outside. Lindsay is in a safe place and we are trying to strategically work out our next step. We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay. And I won’t give up. This is my daughter and we love her. We are waiting for the press frenzy to die down and leave her alone. Please respect our privacy.”
Well, obviously, she’s “safe” outside of rehab because she’s innocent. TMZ reports
Lindsay Lohan is refusing to accept responsibility for her Tuesday morning DUI arrest, releasing a straight-to-the-point statement to Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush yesterday: “Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.”
So she was framed? Is that what she’s saying here? Like, maybe someone planted coke in her pockets and replaced her blood with that of a vagrant they found passed out under a park bench? Wow… it all makes so much sense now. Weird, though, because cops usually only frame one-armed men. And black people. And Roger Rabbit. Well, technically, it was a Toon hellbent on destroying the Pacific & Electric Red Car trolley system instead of a cop that framed Roger. So you see where I’m going here. It’s obviously been Judge Doom all along! Or maybe some one-armed black guy with a vendetta against firecrotches. Either way, it’s just a matter of time before a well-timed piano finds its way to her cranium. Then everybody wins.
11 Comments, Comment or Ping
JohnL
I admit it: I secretly planted cocaine on her and injected alcohol directly into her bloodstream when she wasn’t paying attention. At the time she was distracted by shooting up. And swallowing handfuls of ecstasy. And DVDA penetration. And the dramatic chipmunk.
Jul 25th, 2007
Syd
Mama Hohan’s comment “…trying to strategically work out our next step”… something about that just doesn’t sound “Motherly”.
Jul 25th, 2007
abby
“Strategically trying to work out our next step” = “Figure out just how we’re going to get cameras into the actual jail cell.”
Jul 25th, 2007
sonya
Was Sambo being chased by a tiger somewhere in all of this?
Jul 25th, 2007
BarbadoSlim
“that’s not mine” That’s what I said the time in Istanbul and was unfairly targeted by Turkish militiamen who “found” me with six pounds of cocaine that someone, probably a communist, somehow had duct taped to my body.
It lead to 5 years of shitty food and unprotected butt-sex.
Stay strong linds!!!
Jul 25th, 2007
margaretta
I say hang her by her firecrotch!
Too lenient?
Jul 25th, 2007
bionic bunny
marg:
guess it depends whether or not she enjoys that sort of thing!!
Jul 26th, 2007
RichPort
In other news: Following the arrest of Lohan, coke prices around the LA Metropolitan area tumbled elated already twitchy addicts and prompting huge scuffles and reorginizations amongst rival gangs. Bloods and Crips, in unusual alliances, have formed hybrid unions referred to heretofore as “Croods” and “Blips”. Lohan has volunteered to “train” these ruffians, whatever the hell that means.
Jul 26th, 2007
Nathaniel
Fuck lindsay and her little pussy family I think we need to take lindsay and the fucking judge take them out to the wild and beat the fuck out of them then tie them to a tree put some honey on them and leave them there for the animals of the wild.
Jul 28th, 2007
nykole#1
leave lindsay lohan the fuck alone. did you ever think all you haters and media are helping her spiral?id get high to if every time i turned around i was being followed and photographed.muthafuckas is hatin on her leave her alone shes a damn good actress why try to make money off her personal life.what she needs is some down ass folks in her corner that arent trying to use her.tired of the world hating on lindsay.pick on someone else and let her get her shit together.damn love ya lindsay.hang in there.
Jul 28th, 2007
Deep Background
I think people are getting their chuckles over this but let’s look at the facts. First their is no denying that Lindsay had been drinking that evening and if she was driving the vehicle it would be a DUI. Second so far there no evidence that she was driving the SUV. There are claims for a ground of three men that she was and that she did a lot else that evening. But, there are some serious problems with their story too. Could someone that drunk put that SUV through all of the maneuvers claimed, why would they let her drive their $50K SUV if she was that drunk, etc. I’ve not seen any claims that the police saw her driving and they seem to have just took the word of the two other people in the vehicle. However, the three stooges have several motives to lie including, avoiding arrest and a big lawsuit jackpot, we should avoid jumping to conclusions. The cocaine charge is the most challenging for Lindsay since it was found in the pants she was wearing. In general that would be case closed. If the defense really is that the pants were not her’s then she will have to provide convincing evidence of this for example whose pants, how did she come to be wearing them at a minimum. That may be a tall order but perhaps not impossible.
It seems to me that she may end up with one DUI from the May 26 incident and a drug charge from the latest case unless police saw or have surveillance video showing her driving or getting out of the drives side of the SUV at the stop, etc. She would be eligible for the diversion program and could end up in court supervised rehab rather than jail.
Aug 1st, 2007
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