“The Black Kid” is Lindsay Lohan’s One-Armed Man
Evidence, reports and convoluted details are flooding in this morning about Lohan’s arrest earlier this week, and let me tell you — even if I decided to draw up my “conclusions” with crayon on the back of a “Friendly’s” menu, I should receive a fucking Pulitzer for even trying to make sense of this mess in the first place. Here we go:
From what TMZ is saying, it sounds like Lindsay went to a party with her assistant. The assistant invited her hoodlum boyfriend and his three friends. Hoodlum and Assistant get into a fight, and Lindsay becomes angry so Assistant quits. Assistant calls her Mom to pick her up — at which point Lindsay resorts to grand theft auto by stealing a GMC Denali that belonged to one of the friends (with two of them still in the car, running over the foot of another) proceeding to give chase. Cue 911 call, (which you can listen to in it’s entirety here):
Caller: Right now we’re on Arizona… Oh my God, are they following us? OK, right now we’re on Santa Monica… We’re driving to the police station right now… We’re at 4th and Broadway. We were just coming home… and all of a sudden he came down a side street… We’re driving to the police station… sir, please? The gentleman came out of his car. [inaudible] AAAAHHH, Oh my God! What is he doing? Oh my God, oh my God… Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Screaming…police sirens in background).
During this high speed chase, Lindsay allegedly tells one of the men in the car not to touch her and that nothing can happen to her because she’s a celebrity — aaaaand finally, we wind up in the parking lot where Lindsay told officers, “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving,” shortly before failing a field sobriety test and turning up cocaine on her person.
OK — so what I’m gathering here, is that we can locate this “Black Kid” — all of Lindsay’s problems will be solved! I’m guessing he was not only responsible for driving the vehicle, but in addition gave her the pants with the drugs in the pocket — and now that I think about it, we can probably also slap the blame on him for Herbie: Fully Loaded and the colossal and inevitable failure of I Know Who Killed Me.
Guh. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of, “Linsday Lohan is a Fucking Wreck.”
7 Comments, Comment or Ping
Vermillion
Thanks, Lindsay. Now I have to hear Al Sharpton talking again. Way to fucking go.
Couldn’t you said a Mexican kid or something? That is just as credible. And by credible, I mean absolute horseshit.
Jul 27th, 2007
Andoy
Gee, I was right. It’s Herbie, y’all!!
But, I was just wonderin’ what part of the pants that they see traces of cocaine? Oh, no! Don’t tell me it’s in the - crotch!? Blame firecrotch, baby!!
Jul 27th, 2007
open mouth jones
Andoy, it’s quite possible I’ve just fallen for you.
Jul 27th, 2007
More Beans Please
And here I thought the one armed man was driving.
Jul 27th, 2007
JohnL
Hopefully “the black kid” will be Michael Vick or Pacman Jones. Then maybe someone will believe her.
Jul 27th, 2007
litelysalted
It’s gotta be OJ. Can’t we just blame him for everything?
Jul 27th, 2007
DiamondSal
So the black kid gave her pants and she didn’t have any until that time?
Jul 28th, 2007
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