Jul 30, 2007

Jessica Simpson Passes on the Porn

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Two things:

1. Hot corn.

2. Butt.

That out of the way, on to the bigger story: Jessica Simpson would be nestled up against an Oscar right now if her jerk-off dad hadn’t gotten in the way of the role of a lifetime. People magazine reports

“The last script that came to us was for Jessica to be a porn star,” Jessica’s father and manager, Joe Simpson, [said] at Thursday’s ABC Television Critics Association party. “We were promised we would win an Oscar with that… I was like, ‘Eh, we’ll just buy a [statue of a] little man and keep our clothes on.’”

Because if anybody’s going to be seeing Jessica Simpson naked and taking two wieners at once, it’s going to be Joe, goddammit, and one of those wieners is going to damn well be his. You can tell by all the “we” talk he’s working there. Only stage mothers at “Little Miss” pageants and incestual ex-preachers talk like that. Or sometimes crazy people speaking to their reflections about their plans to take over the world. But I’m not crazy. Since changing my meds, it’s mostly just “My, we look pretty today, don’t we?” or “Tricksy hobbitses stole it from us. My precioussss!” and a lot of raw-fish eating.

More of Jessica in next month’s “Harper’s Bazaar” after the jump

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7 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. Dragulf

    The girl never could sing and she is FUGLY to boot. Who gives a shit?

    Jul 30th, 2007

  2. abby

    Hot corn much?

    Jul 30th, 2007

  3. margaretta

    omg she is sooo over

    Jul 30th, 2007

  4. bionic bunny

    see, abby, this is why i love you.
    corn, butts, porn and tricksey hobbitses all in one post.

    hell girl, if we both weren’t married AND straight…….

    yeah, i’m up WAY too early this morning.

    Jul 30th, 2007

  5. bionic bunny

    also, WHY is she wearing astroturf on her head in that one pic? i say this from experience, as a fashion statement, it really doesn’t fly.

    don’t ask.

    Jul 30th, 2007

  6. abby

    It takes two different lit degrees and a masters in journalism to arrive at the pinnacle of corn, butts, porn, and Lord of the Rings references in one magnificent post. I’m going to go sleep for the next four hours and let my brain recharge. Thanks for not letting this one fall to the Philistines, Bunny!

    Jul 30th, 2007

  7. rita thompson

    SHE’S PRETTY.

    Jul 30th, 2007

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