Britney Spears’ cousin and former best friend is conspiring with Kevin Federline for the sake of their children. According The National Ledger

After Alli stopped working for Britney, she and [Britney's mother] Lynne reached out to Kevin [Federline] and gave detailed information about her ongoing erratic behavior. A longtime Britney pal says, “Alli gave specific instances where Brit couldn’t handle having the kids. Kevin was angry at Britney for putting his kids in jeopardy and immediately phoned his lawyer to investigate the claims further.” Brit’s cousin is planning on providing specific instances to help give full-time custody to Kevin and finalize the divorce from Britney. [sic] Kevin spent three hours on Monday with his lawyer discussing the options to finally get the kids out of Brit’s care.

You know what else might have tipped them off? Jayden James’ first words being “fuckin’” and “peanut butter pie.” Sean Preston constantly swatting at his genitals and lisping, “Oh, yeah… I’m sexy… uhhhhn… Hey! Where’s my fuckin’ peanut butter pie?” Pictures of the terrified kids screaming and pounding on the car windows while Britney makes sweet love to a stack of half-eaten peanut butter pies. And by “make sweet love” I mean “pass out face first after throwing up with enough force to spray chunks of pie out of her nostrils.” Yep, I’d say it’s pretty much an open-and-shut case for K-Fed.

More of the dumpling wandering around Hollywood after the jump

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Anne Hathaway and her big boring tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Some candids of the much ballyhooed Britney Spears OK! shoot. (MollyGood)

It’s official: Harry Potter now makes me moist. (Celebitchy)

At least John Travolta’s piggy-eyed smugness is hidden behind a hundred pounds of synthetic flab. (Pajiba)

Your one-stop shop for this year’s Emmy’s. (Seriously? OMG)

Lindsay Lohan finds a way to score cash and dick at the same time. Her journey to nirvana is now complete. (The Blemish)

Have you ever lain awake in your bed at night imagining tennis ace Serena Williams naked and clutching an artfully placed bouquet of flowers? No? Well, uh, what about Mike Tyson, then? A minotaur? Asiatic black bear? Michael Clark Duncan? Oh, come off it already. So maybe it’s not flowers covering her asscrack in your fantasy. Maybe it’s a tennis racquet and a feather boa. Or a tranquilizer gun and a strap-on. Whatever. The little details aren’t important. What’s important here is that I’m about to make all your dreams come true, baby, and I’m not even asking for your credit card number.

The entire probably LSFW shot from the last issue of Jane magazine after the jump. Remember, it’s still a naked lady with flowers over her crack, in case you work in a church office or something. Pervert.

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In the eight days since her release from rehab, Lindsay Lohan has been desperately whoring herself out for money. Perhaps “Herbie: Fully Loaded” wasn’t the gold mine it first appeared to be? Preposterous! Photo agency X17 reports

[Lindsay] offered to “sell” photos to X17 to the tune of $30,000! Linds had been calling and texting numerous members of Team X17 over the past week, trying to organize a way to get some money and she’s been in touch with other pap agencies as well.

Because, you know, coke is expensive, and you can only trade the firecrotch so many times before the people grow tired of it. The same way people get tired of being attacked by a swarm of angry bees or kicked in the balls by a bear. Especially if the bear is wearing steel-toed boots and ankle weights. And if the bear happens to be carrying a beehive as a purse, well, then you’re pretty much fucked. That’s a bear with some serious gender identity issues right there. You might as well suck it up and give Lindsay Lohan’s puss a good poking already.

More of Lindsay classing it up outside a men’s bathroom after the jump

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Wheeeee! Captain Sober, arrested again! TMZ reports

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving in Santa Monica early this morning — her second bust in less than three months. According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM early Tuesday morning. Lindsay Lohan was popped for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. Sources say her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13, well over the .08 legal limit. Cops tell TMZ cocaine was found in her pants pocket.

The only thing they didn’t find on Lindsay was a couple of penises stuffed in her snatch and pooper. I guess it’s hard to get your double-penetration on while you’re coked up and drunk and operating a motor vehicle. Just like it’s hard to juggle babies and knives while fighting a grease fire. Sometimes cops aren’t very understanding about a girl’s need to multi-task.

UPDATE: Fresh mug shot.

Britney Spears’ latest attempt at image-salvaging was of course a colossal failure. According to TMZ

Britney’s self-arranged photo shoot and interview with OK! Magazine was a complete disaster. We’re told that [Britney's] photos are so bad, execs at the magazine are trying to decide whether to report what actually happened, or sanitize the truth to protect the pop trainwreck.

According to multiple sources, Britney’s behavior during the interview was “nothing less than a meltdown.” She was, according to our sources, “completely out of it” during the shoot. The photos are “so bad”… that to publish them could “kill her career.” Brit Brit’s eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead. Her mood… was extremely erratic. She took frequent bathroom breaks and each time she returned her mood would change. She was also completely paranoid during the entire interview, fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her.

But wait! There’s more.

Brit had some issues with hygiene on the set as well. At one point, Britney ordered up some fried chicken to munch on. We’re told after she chowed down, she wiped her hands on a several thousand dollar Gucci dress that she was wearing for the shoot, staining it with grease. Our on-set spy says that [her] dog pooped all over the floor, and Brit used… a Chanel dress to clean it up!

Well, at least they cleaned her up a little for the shoot, right? Um, that would be a big hell no.

As for how Brit looked for the photos, another nightmare. We’ve learned that OK! hired two of the best hair and makeup artists in L.A. to transform the once-bald beauty into something more presentable, but.. she refused to let the hired help touch her, opting instead for her “skanky friends” to do her hair and makeup.

That reminds me of the time I showed up to a job interview after a three-day drunk and pissed my pants outside the HR director’s office. I lit up a cigarette to cover the stench of my own urine and somehow started a fire in the waste paper basket, which of course set off the overhead sprinklers and the fire alarms. I didn’t wipe my ass with a Chanel dress or anything gauche like that, but it definitely wasn’t my best day. And I’m sure you’re dying to know: does smoke in fact hide the stink of urine? Yes. Yes, it does. And did I get the job? Well, this didn’t write itself, you know! Onwards and upwards, only to the top, baby!

UPDATE: OK!, despite it’s strict mantra of celebrity ass-kissing, will be publishing the undoctored interview and pictorial on Friday. They released the following statement in regard to their decision:

“OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told.”

More of Britney looking fat by her car after the jump

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Lisa Rinna dresses up like a slutty leopard. (MollyGood)

Britney Spears wants OK! to convince the public she’s okay. Get it? OK, okay? Listen — that’s the sound of me blowing your fuckin minds. (Jossip)

Angelina Jolie feels sad about her weight loss and heroin addiction. (Celeb Smack)

Jennifer Garner has opposable toes. Ugly opposable toes. (CelebSlam)

Hell, party of one! (The Bastardly)

Tom and Katie host a posh party for the Beckhams, probably just so Tom can stare at Becks’ bottom. (CityRag)

Brigitte Nielsen fresh out of rehab! And apparently, a whorehouse! (popbytes)

Lindsay Lohan took time out of her strict regiment of “wearing bikinis” and “trying to score Ecstasy” to cavort with this cheese dick last Friday. Deuce Bigalow, male… um, loser fuckface. The only way this jerk-off could appear any more douche-y is if he had plastic tubing for arms and reeked of vaginally-expelled vinegar. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not saying he doesn’t already stink of vinegar. Or of vagina, for that matter. He very well may. The picture doesn’t tell us. However, personal experience has taught me that most men with moustaches have a certain “je ne sais quoi” about them. “Je nais se quoi” of course being French for “I’m a smarmy asshole prick.” Just ask a highway patrolman! They’ll let you know what’s what, fuckers.

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As if HIV and hepatitis weren’t enough to worry about after breaking up with Pete Doherty, supermodel Kate Moss now has two MIA sex tapes to contend with. London’s The Sun reports

“There are still some bits and pieces floating about of Pete with Kate. She has got rid of most of it. Six out of eight tapes have been destroyed. But she wanted to bury the lot before he could humiliate her by selling them or putting them on the internet. Pete could do [whatever] he wants with them. And we all know what Pete can do when he’s desperate for a bob or two.”

There’s nothing I’d rather see than a doughy, pasty, mossy-toothed heroin addict rutting all over a used-up coke whore, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for it. I’ll save my pennies and camp out in a Jersey park with my camcorder, wait for the sun to go down and the smörgåsbord of society’s derilects and failures to come crawling out of the storm drains and women’s shelters. I might even offer a couple of homeless dudes an Andrew Jackson or two to whale on each other with tire irons while I videotape it. Now there’s a cool twenty bucks I don’t mind spending. Believe me, pipe in a little “Eye of the Tiger” and slow down the frame rate right before impact and that sort of thing just pays for itself!

Britney Spears spent last Friday lugging her little bastards around Marina del Rey and screaming obscenities at an overweight female photographer. In a video taken by Splash News Online, Britney rolls down her car window and yells:

“Hey, baby, when are you going to go on a diet? Have you ever tried Weight Watchers, you fat fuck!? Why don’t you run?! You need to fucking jog, you pussy. Yeah, run — run, bitch!“

Naturally, you hear the kids bellerin’ from the back seat with every opening of the window. The whole display smacks of a front porch in West Virginia, with a shirtless man in overalls holding a pitchfork next to a cabbage-faced woman in a kerchief with a three-year old and an infant on either tit. “We don’t cotton to yer type ‘roun herr. I aims to stab ya with dis’en herr pitchferk. Ya’d better run — run, bitch! Ya ever herd tells of them Weight Wacchers? I done kilt Doyle Hargrave with a lawn mower blade! Mmm-hmm.”

More hot unshorn Britney and brood action after the jump

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I realize these nude pictures of Demi Moore were taken thirty years ago, but it’s a fact that gratuitous full frontal nudity is never bound by the constraints of linear time. So here you go. Demi did a naked spread at eighteen for a jerk-off mag called “Oui” — which, apparently, is French for “masses of hair” — before the implants and the botox and the knee lifts. Also, it seems, before the invention of the razor. There are only a few words to describe the following pictorial: “Oh, my God,” or “What the fuck,” or “I’m not just the president — I’m also a client.”

Because we just love Top Ten lists — the Top Ten Best Simpsons endings ever! (BWE)

Penelope Cruz ruining perfectly good bikini pics by looking sad. (Egotastic!)

Lohan’s latest project officially plopped it’s way into the crapper. (DListed)

Oprah’s got a dead bitch on her hands. But not the kind that she normally would have to hide in the East River. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Rowr! Seacrest-Mayer catfight! (A Socialite’s Life)

Have you heard? Jennifer Love Hewitt has boobs! (Celebitchy)

I’ll give you two guesses how good Adam Sandler’s new flick is: plain ol’ shitty or really really REALLY fucking shitty. (Pajiba)