Despite what you’re probably already thinking, the subject of today’s Name That Celebrity is not a homeless person. I know! I thought so too at first. But the biggest clue otherwise is that, in my experience, homeless people normally push shopping carts in lieu of carrying suitcases.

My second thought — after learning this person’s identity — was that it may have held the suitcase over it’s face as a courtesy to the photographer. Occurrences of fugliness this severe are rarely captured in nature — for a very good reason, as it usually causes equipment to fail and malfunction. I’m guessing that this photographer may have been equipped with some kind of cutting-edge, NASA type technology, which is why he was able to get these elusive images without his camera breaking. Either that or he may have had a magical camera.

Give up yet? The answer after the jump! Although I’d highly advise against those with weak stomachs, anyone prone to herpes outbreaks, heart conditions, or those who may be pregnant from clicking on the link. Yeeeah! will not be held liable for any and all photo viewing related injuries or mishaps.

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I’m kind of at a loss, here. All reasonable logic would tell us that an artist needs to have recorded an album, or at the very least a song, before shooting a music video. And so, I cannot claim to understand how or why Britney Spears is shooting a music video — and yet here she is.

I guess that bold move to become her own manager and publicist was a good thing after all. Except now there’s no one to tell her that there’s really never an appropriate time or place for the “Biker Whore Widow” look — not the least of which being your own music video. But come on, who am I kidding? Like we all don’t know damn well Britney just went trolling around until she found a camera crew filming a car dealership commercial and paid them double to follow her around instead. Well played, Spears. Well played.

A warning to those who may be allergic to cellulite — more photos on “set” of the “music video” after the jump.

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Because the last fucking thing we need is another celebrity opening a restaurant boasting cuisine of their “roots” — Wednesday night Justin Timberlake celebrated the grand opening of “Southern Hospitality” in New York City. People reports:

The new barbecue joint specializes in the food Timberlake and his pals Trace Ayala and Eytan Sugarman, who co-hosted the event, grew up with – traditional Memphis-style cuisine such as spare ribs, homemade buttermilk biscuits and crab and corn fritters.

As for his favorite meal on the menu, Timberlake said he likes “fried green tomatoes and the pulled pork.”

Hmm… So Timberlake loves the pulled pork. What I mean is that he likes eating it. I know there’s a euphemism in here somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I can find it. You’d think, that when a sexually ambiguous former boy band’er more or less brags about how he enjoys sucking back big salty wads of stinky meat, the jokes would write themselves — but good sir, you’d be mistaken.

Lindsay Lohan was finally arrested over her alcohol and coke fueled joyride this past Spring which ended with her Mercedes-Benz SL65 convertible wrapped around a tree. According to the official Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department website, Lohan was booked around 4PM and held in custody for about an hour, until she was released on $30,000 bail.

I don’t know if drunk driving, crashing your car, stumbling away from the scene and forgetting your coke is the kind of offense that leads to jail time — but if it is, at least we can take solace in the fact that it won’t be a huge fucking ordeal like it was with the other one. I mean, in the Lohan family, a stint in the pokey is more or less a right of passage. I even heard that Dina Lohan once offered to blow an undercover cop for coke — while she was pregnant with Lindsey! And the cop was like, staked out for a murder investigation. She just happened to stumble past his car with her skirt tucked into her pantyhose and figured he looked like “good people.” Okay, well I made that whole last part up. But, see? Would you have been surprised one bit, if it was true? I think I proved my point.

More pics after the jump of Lohan on her way to an AA meeting earlier this week. Because if there’s one thing AA has been sorely lacking — it’s side-boobage.

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Jessica Biel looking oh-so-virginal. (UseMyComputer)

Crop circle? Nope, it’s just Homer Simpson next to a pagan god. (Fatback)

Parker Posey in the best non-whiny chick-flick of the year. (Pajiba)

Methface McFaketits got married! Danny Tanner must be so proud. (IBBB)

I think this means Amy Winehouse doesn’t swallow. (MollyGood)

Rosario Dawson? Check. White cowboy boots? Check? Sense of shame and self-loathing? Hmm… (popoholic)

Serena Williams, or Mike Tyson, Jr.? (The Bastardly)

Cindy Crawford’s puss smells like flowers. And she’s hot. Score! (Drunken Stepfather)

Here’s what years of anorexia and a prematurely aborted mummification do to your gams, ladies. Despite what you initially thought, that leg doesn’t belong to Captain Barbosa. Those hams and calves belong to one Victoria Beckham, who by my calculation is actually 117 years old. Or legally undead. I hear she only eats the brains of unsuspecting hitchhikers and vagrant prostitutes. Fortunately, they’re low-cal and low-sodium, so there’s no unsightly bloating.

More unholiness up close and HQ after the jump

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Nick Nolte has long been known for his debonair charm and his effortless savoir-faire. He’s the Hollywood epitome of understated grace and quiet dignity. Like this week, for instance, when he got whiskey-drunk at the airport and made sweet love to the boarding area floor for two hours. TMZ reports

Dripping in sweat and barely able to keep his bloodshot eyes open, a handlebar-mustached Nick Nolte stunned travelers at the Kauai Airport this week — by passing out cold on the terminal floor! The incoherent actor drifted in and out of consciousness on the airport floor for more than two hours Monday night. According to the source, Nolte was still extremely friendly despite his groggy state — chatting with fans and allowing passengers to snap photos, however, he wasn’t entirely functional. “At one point we helped him put a dollar in the vending machine.”

It’s like one of the knights of old has been resurrected — the fabled hero of a time long passed gallantly cavaliering for the honor of a fair maiden. Except not on a white steed. And in more of a “stained t-shirt clutching a boarding pass” than “chainmail armor wielding Excalibur.” And instead of “King Arthur’s Court” it’s actually “the bar at Chili’s between Gate A27 and the head,” and instead of a saving a “damsel in distress” it’s more like “liberating a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.” Other than that, it’s pretty much the quest for Camelot word for word. It’s a like modern day fairy-tale, only with more sweat and falling down.

More airport candids of Sir Nick after the jump

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Look out, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton — there’s a new duet in town! According to Star Pulse

Singer Michael Bolton and his fiancée Nicollette Sheridan are teaming up to record an album of duets. The Desperate Housewives star has no previous musical experience, but is venturing into pop after encouragement from Bolton. She says, “I am such a shy singer but Michael has made me more confident and my voice has grown. We’re planning an album of duets. You might think its madness but we like the way our voices blend.”

Madness, no; shit, yes. Worst. Duet. Ever. I can think of a million things I’d rather do than listen to Michael Bolton and Nicolette Sheridan singing about their everlasting love. I don’t have time to write down all of the things I’d rather do, so here are a just a few for you to consider. Ten things to consider, to be precise.

Top Ten Things I’d Rather Do Than Listen to a Michael Bolton/Nicolette Sheridan Duet

10. Three words: Justin Timberlake concert

9. A cross-country road trip with a toddler and my incontinent grandmother

8. Watch a Rhea Perlman sex tape

7. Listen to book tapes of the “2007 Physician’s Desk Reference” as read by Mario Cantone

6. Make out with Jared from Subway

5. A pap smear on ’shrooms

4. Give Robin Williams a bikini wax

3. Douche with fire ants

2. Wear Cisco Adler’s balls as a hat

1. This (NSFW)… but with my labia

Here’s Britney Spears enjoying an afternoon constitutional along the Malibu shore. Let’s see if you can guess what happens next. Remember, this is Britney Spears we’re talking about. Is it:

A) An unexpected wind blows her hair into the lighter while attempting to fire up her smoke, catching her shitty extensions on fire, singeing her dress and prompting a “Stop, Drop and Roll” worthy of recognition in the archives of the Jedi order

B) Pulls down her underpants behind a rock and drops a load right there on the beach, all the while giving the paparazzi the “tongue between the fingers” sign for cunnilingus

C) Curls up in the fetal position with a pair of pinking shears and a bottle of Boone’s Farm and gives herself another impromptu “hair cut”

D) Strips out of her dress and lumbers straight into the ocean in a bra and panties, gratuitously digging at her ass crack and looking fat and disgusting.

All pretty believable scenarios! Find out what REALLY happened after the jump!

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Lindsay Lohan back on the puss? (Evil Beet)

Rihanna shows off a little more than her forehead — rowr! (The Grumpiest)

Pete Wentz likes rainbows. And tampons. (The Blemish)

More hot Penny Cruz-Shakira lesbian action. (PipiLongTalking)

Britney Spears is a fucking imbecile. (BestWeekEver)

Ashlee Simpson, pregnant! But her boyfriend has a vagina, right? It’s a Christmas miracle! (Celebitchy)

O.J. Simpson can handle his whiskey. And by “handle” I mean “stumble around shouting like a blithering idiot.” (Jossip)

Today’s Name That Celebrity: the “Alcohol-Monitoring Anklet” edition. So, any guesses? It’s a tough one, I know! Well, okay — here are a couple clues to help you out. A blind item from today’s Page Six

Which hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night.

Oh, who could it be? Alright, then, ONE more hint, because I’m generous like that: a “source” tells Star magazine,

“She uses ‘whippits,’ the tubes that you buy that contain nitrous oxide. She mixes that with the cold medicine Coricidin. Together they get you really wasted. At first, the counselors couldn’t figure out how she was getting high, but then they found the cold medicine and whippit containers under [her] bed. [She] admitted to using the stuff in group counseling meetings and said she was sorry.”

Tomorrow morning, when you’ve finally figured it out which celebutard plays owner to the alcoholic anklet, you can pass the time with a couple of these super difficult mind-benders I found. They’re even more challenging than today’s “Name That Celebrity,” so prepare to be stumped!

A) Which number comes next in the following series? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ?

B) Name two words that start with the letter “M.” No dictionary! That’s cheating.

C) A boy is rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, “I can’t operate on him — he’s my son.” The boy has a brother. What relation is the doctor to the boy?

Good luck wrapping your mind around any of those, genuises!

The mind-racking answer after the jump

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Kimberly Stewart is a lumbering cock-eyed mess of fug, but lucky for you, you can’t see her face in this shot. Just her ass, which really isn’t that bad. Sort of like the difference between seeing a gangrenous leg on a Yankee soldier instead of seeing his syphilitic-ulcer-ridden taint. Gangrene’s not so bad, really, once you get past the smell and the maggots and everything. I know because I’ve been to India before. But ulcers, man — ulcers weep. Just like Rod Stewart did that day the doctor handed him Kim and kindly offered to put it out of its misery. Only Rod’s tears probably had less puss and festering and need to be drained. Dirty Yankees!

The big, metaphorically gangrenous reveal after the jump

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