Britney’s song lyrics alone are grounds to take those kids away. (BWE)

Ashton Kutcher couldn’t look any gayer if he turned up in gay porno. (DListed)

Paris Hilton takes the money shot like a pro. (CelebSlam)

Jeff Goldblum gets hisself a piece of the Conan pie. (Popoholic)

$1500 for a beat-ass Versace dress — $30 for dry cleaning costs — looking better in it than Britney Spears? Priceless. (Jossip)

Balls of Fury sucks so much worse than you thought film about fucking ping pong ever could. (Pajiba)

An unnamed man was seen in Berlin yesterday with this hell spawn slightly resembling actress Christina Ricci. The guy apparently must be impervious to demon attacks, because otherwise he’s either just really brave or really stupid to be standing next to that thing like that. Those sunken dead eyes are chilling me to my core — just looking at them through the screen. The more I stare at it, the more I expect the thing’s grinning jaws to open up and produce a tiny, gnashing Christina Ricci head screaming, “I’ll eat your soul! I’ll eat your soul!” like some sort of horrible nightmare come alive.

More of Jack Skellington’s illegitimate daughter after the jump.

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This promo shot was just released to promote the fourth season of Desperate Housewives, and boy do these ladies ever look amazing! And when I say “amazing” — naturally I mean they rate somewhere between Betty Boop and Jessica Rabbit on the scale of Authentic Looking Women You’d See in Real Life.

It’s times like these, I wish for the sake of humanity that Photoshop was programmed with a “self destruct” feature built in. Whichever copy was used to create this monstrosity probably had to be destroyed after it started smoking and flashing “fatal error” messages.

After the jump, a cold shower of reality with Teri Hatcher and Felicity Huffman at the Badgley Mischka party earlier this week.

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Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis were seen leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills earlier this week after celebrating Davis’ birthday. I know he got the nickname “Greasy Bear” for a reason, but God damn this boy is greasy. Like, “dipped in a tank of Crisco” greasy. Or, “I need to Windex my fucking computer monitor” greasy. On the upside, he probably gets to use the Slip ‘N Slide without even turning it on, and that’s pretty sweet.

More photos of Paris looking like she just caught a whiff of the alluring odor of Crisco, sweat, and half a bottle of “Axe” — after the jump.

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Britney Spears retarded new single, “Gimme More” has officially been released, or leaked, or whatever the hell you want to call it. Now I’m not what you’d call a “connoisseur of shitty music” — but I’d have to say this sucks even for a Britney Spears song. Despite the unintentional hilarity of her assy opening declaration of, “It’s Britney, bitch” — it’s got the usual overproduced breathy “vocals” overlying what sounds like bad Nintendo music. And I can’t be sure, but it sounds like Britney actually belches the word “more” and the producer figured, “Ah fuck — let’s just run with it.”

You can listen to the new track here.

Gwen Stefani gives the haters a little more to hate. (MollyGood)

Quentin Taratino is a douche of epic proportion. (Celebitchy)

Cindy Crawford’s cougar rack doesn’t disappoint. (Tasteful Celebs)

Speaking of cougars — me-ow, Elle MacPherson! (Egotastic)

Sophia Bush melts the pants of teenage boys everywhere. (Fatback)

Bridget Moynahan uses the new baby to punish Tom Brady. I’m sure Dr. Spock highly recommends it. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Lauren Conrad in a bikini with her stupid cock-holster shut is almost tolerable. I said almost. (The Bastardly)

Don’t be fooled by Zen master Lindsay in the above photograph — she’s as much of a coked-up whore as she ever was. Female First reports

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been caught taking drugs in rehab.The ‘Mean Girls’ star was allegedly forced to undergo a drugs test by staff at Utah’s Cirque Lodge facility, and the results came back positive. A source is quoted as saying: “When ordered to take a drug test, she reluctantly complied but screamed and cursed at the medical director before storming out the room. She was told that if she couldn’t conform to the programme she’d have to leave.”

According to reports it is not Lindsay’s first indiscretion since entering Cirque Lodge earlier this month. She is said to have been caught having sex in a toilet cubicle with a male patient, and is reportedly frequently late to meetings and refuses to do any chores or menial tasks such as washing up.

Let’s cut Lindsay a break here. Sure, doing drugs in rehab is never a good idea, but you try hanging out in a public restroom and see just how long you can contain your libido. If you can contain it at all, that is. It’s no coincidence that pulling down your pants is mandatory in the restroom. The sticky carpet of spattered urine and ammonia granules, the sweet nectar of 200 poops long-since flushed, and a urine-streaked porcelain throne wedged into a good eight cubic feet of space. Boy, I’m wet just thinking about it. If I could have all that plus a syphilitic hobo licking my face and maybe some used maxi-pads stapled to my chin, I believe I’d never leave the Waffle House bathroom again. I’m pretty sure that’s what the Native Americans call “heaven on Earth.”

Get ready to be knocked on your ass by Britney Spear’s comeback performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. According TMZ

Brit-Brit presented her opening act to MTV honchos this past Monday, and [revealed] that she’s “planning it to be a big comeback performance” and that her goal is to make it “shocking.” Amusingly enough, one idea that got the nix was a performance of “My Prerogative” within a medley of her old hits, while images of [Justin Timberlake] and [Kevin Federline] showed on a screen behind her.

Yeah, nothing shocks quite like “a medley of old hits.” And how exactly does a fatass with two very publicly failed marriages, a couple of kids currently under investigation for abuse, a bald head, a drinking problem and an underpants shortage “shock” anyone? Her performance better involve flame throwers and Jimmy Hoffa and maybe a couple of species believed to be extinct for the last thousand years. Or maybe just a demure sweater set and pair of pants and actual singing. “Is that Britney Spears? It can’t be! I don’t see ass cheeks! No way — see, that girl’s tits are all covered up! I… oh, my –” and then a crash as they slump to the floor in a dead faint. That’s when I’ll put down my parasol and pull some smelling salts out of my corset and tell Captain Butler I’d be happy to dance the Virginia Reel with him, until Jimmy Hoffa steps in — dun dun DUN — and challenges him to a duel beneath a canopy of passenger pigeons carrying flame throwers. Shocking, isn’t it? With Britney’s comeback performance and my “Gone with the VMAs” idea it’s pretty much a guaranteed ratings knockout.

More of Sheryl Crow’s LSFW old lady nipples after the jump, because old lady nipples still trump wonky fat girl nipples. Blame math and the law of proportions, not me.

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Keira Knightley arrived at the 64th Venice International Film Festival yesterday the very picture of radiant health and vitality. It’s like staring down the human embodiment of the Fertile Crescent here. The Fertile Crescent in too-dark lipstick with greasy hair and all jutting bones and sinews and sallow skin caked with powder. On second thought, maybe not the Fertile Crescent. Maybe the alley behind the makeshift abortion stand in Kuala Lampur where all those prostitutes with leprosy died. Yeah, that sounds about right.

More of Keira not attacking Castle Grayskull after the jump

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Lindsay Lohan’s estranged father Michael bashed ex-wife Dina in an interview with celebrity blogger Perez Hilton yesterday. Among other things, Michael claims to have proof that Dina is a compulsive liar and a drug user. London’s The Sun quotes him as saying:

“Everything out of [Dina's] mouth is a lie. She is deceptive and full of lies. She has this degenerate boyfriend around our kids. The guy’s a drunk [and he's] hanging around my children. I’ll give you a video confession of someone who came to me and said: ‘Michael, I know for a fact that Dina does cocaine because I delivered it to the house to her.’ Dina’s had six DUIs. She’s had car crashes and left the scene, had someone else pick her up and drive. I can prove it. Nothing I’ve ever said has ever been proven to be a lie. I’ve never taken one red cent from Lindsay, but Dina still collects a percentage as Lindsay’s manager. [And talking] about backgrounds — Dina’s brother Paul [Sullivan] is getting sentenced for 9/11 fraud. Her other brother is still living at the basement of her mother’s house at 45 years-old.”

Dina’s response to Michael’s allegations?

“Now the world will know why eight people were issued criminal stay away orders of protection until 2011 against Michael Lohan.”

This is just like end of “A Christmas Carol,” right at the part where Tiny Tim comes hobbling in to say “God bless us, every one,” and Bob Cratchit kicks one of the crutches out from beneath him and tosses it to Mrs. Cratchit so she can play “whale on the cripple” while Ebenezer Scrooge laughs and laughs. I think that’s when Jacob Marley comes in with the whiskey and the eightball and the Christmas fun really starts. Yep, no one says “family togetherness” like Charles Dickens. Except maybe that guy who wrote “A Clockwork Orange.”

Lindsay Lohan gets a special ex-con visitor in rehab. (Evil Beet)

Jessica Alba inspires prepubescent boys everywhere. (Use My Computer)

Condoleezza Rice has an ass that rivals Jessica Biel’s. (Jossip)

It looks like Owen Wilson just missed Jesus on the way down. (The Blemish)

Here’s the scientific proof that Jessica Alba is freakin’ perfect. (Best Week Ever)

Courtney Love claims British comedian Steve Coogan is behind Owen Wilson’s drug problems. (Defamer)

Another reason not to make a huge assy spectacle of yourself while committing murder. (Pajiba)

More insight today on Owen Wilson’s failed attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil and give us pause — Us Weekly claims our little Butterscotch Stallion has a serious drug problem:

While the news [of his suicide attempt] stunned Owen’s fans, members of his and [ex-girlfrined Kate] Hudson’s inner circles were reportedly all too aware of his private struggles with depression and addiction to cocaine and heroin. According to sources close to the actor, his downward spiral only worsened after his June split from Hudson, 28.

Everybody knows nothing assuages lifelong issues with depression like a couple of years of alternating stimulants and opiates. In fact, the only thing better for chronic depression than heroin and cocaine is a drawer full of handguns and maybe a couple of plastic dry cleaning bags filled with naked pictures of your mother. If only someone had caught it a few days earlier! They could have given him a Judas Priest album and a crate of whiskey and some much-needed alone time. I guess that’s why they say hindsight is 20/20.