If anyone had to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in their lifetime, it’s definitely Paris Hilton. Her mother spoke with People magazine about some of the things she did to assuage the injustices Paris suffered while in jail:

For Kathy Hilton, the toughest part about daughter Paris Hilton’s being in jail was “seeing the rashes on her arms and face from the thin sheets. [The sheets] feel like sandpaper.” For Paris’s homecoming, she set up a room in what “used to be the baby nursery. I had fresh, really soft towels, and really soft sheets and one of those really soft, cuddly [blankets] called ‘my blankey,’ and nice soft pillow cases. I wanted to make her feel really welcome.”

I asked this twelve year old girl from Nigeria just what she thought of the affront of thin sheets for Los Angeles prisoners like Paris. Well, I had to sort of yell the question from a few yards away, because the steady trickle of feces and urine from her genitals being ripped open in medically unsupervised childbirth really made a good stink around her. The translator responded with something about “three-day stillborn” and “disowned by her family.” Just what the hell that had to do with sheets I don’t know. I just sort of nodded and gave her a big smile and a thumbs up. I guess there isn’t an African translation that fully encompasses the American injustice of “scratchy sheets.” The interview continues:

Paris’s reaction to all this softness, says her mother, was that “she went in, and she looked at the Fresh Farms soap, and she looked at the towels and the Evian water by her bedside. And she ran outside with her doggie and she was screaming, ‘Oh, this feels so good.’ The next day she got up and… I made her a big breakfast. She had pancakes. I went and picked oranges and made her fresh juice.”

At this point the girl just laid down in a puddle of her own piss and started sobbing, so I put on an episode of “The Simple Life” and handed her a mop. You know, to let her have a little time to herself to really consider some of the travesties in this world. It’s not like she had rashes on her arms from thin sheets or anything! Geez. Everybody’s got to be a victim these days.

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