Get ready to be knocked on your ass by Britney Spear’s comeback performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. According TMZ

Brit-Brit presented her opening act to MTV honchos this past Monday, and [revealed] that she’s “planning it to be a big comeback performance” and that her goal is to make it “shocking.” Amusingly enough, one idea that got the nix was a performance of “My Prerogative” within a medley of her old hits, while images of [Justin Timberlake] and [Kevin Federline] showed on a screen behind her.

Yeah, nothing shocks quite like “a medley of old hits.” And how exactly does a fatass with two very publicly failed marriages, a couple of kids currently under investigation for abuse, a bald head, a drinking problem and an underpants shortage “shock” anyone? Her performance better involve flame throwers and Jimmy Hoffa and maybe a couple of species believed to be extinct for the last thousand years. Or maybe just a demure sweater set and pair of pants and actual singing. “Is that Britney Spears? It can’t be! I don’t see ass cheeks! No way — see, that girl’s tits are all covered up! I… oh, my –” and then a crash as they slump to the floor in a dead faint. That’s when I’ll put down my parasol and pull some smelling salts out of my corset and tell Captain Butler I’d be happy to dance the Virginia Reel with him, until Jimmy Hoffa steps in — dun dun DUN — and challenges him to a duel beneath a canopy of passenger pigeons carrying flame throwers. Shocking, isn’t it? With Britney’s comeback performance and my “Gone with the VMAs” idea it’s pretty much a guaranteed ratings knockout.

More of Sheryl Crow’s LSFW old lady nipples after the jump, because old lady nipples still trump wonky fat girl nipples. Blame math and the law of proportions, not me.