The 17-year old son of pro wrestler Hulk Hogan was seriously injured in a high-speed car accident yesterday evening. CNN reports

Nick Bollea, 17, was the driver of a Toyota Supra that went out of control while driving at a “high rate of speed” about 7:30 p.m. Sunday in Clearwater, Florida. The car “inexplicably left the roadway,” jumped across a raised median and slammed into a palm tree just east of downtown. Firefighters had to extract Bollea and his passenger, whose identity was not immediately released, from the wreckage. Both were flown to a hospital in nearby St. Petersburg. Police said Bollea — known to viewers [of VH1 reality show "Hogan Knows Best"] as “Nick Hogan” — was not as seriously hurt as his passenger, who was listed as critical.

This is why adolescent males have no business behind the wheel of a car. I think it’s hard-wired into the Y chromosome that “faster” and “harder” is always the best option, whether it be the grocery store parking lot or the last night of your virginity. If there was a way to simultaneous stomp the pedal with their testicles and steer with their penises while looking at boobs and masturbating we’d never get the little bastards off the city streets. That’s probably why God made wieners without opposable thumbs.

Hayden Panettiere is deliciously legal in FHM. (The Grumpiest)

Teri Hatcher looks like death. Death in a lot of bronze eyeshadow. (The Bastardly)

But what we’re all wondering is — did anyone steal Kirsten Dunst’s retainer? (Celebitchy)

Tyra Banks gets is exponentially more annoying with each passing minute. (MollyGood)

The other less-whorey Lohan crashes her car. (Socialite Life)

Jim Carrey is one lucky bastard. (CelebSlam)

Mariah Carey gets nekkid in “Interview” magazine next month and opens up about her 2001 post-”Glitter” breakdown. And that cover’s got me feelin’ emotions, indeed. Is nausea an emotion? Or is it more of a physical sensation? I guess at this point we’re just splitting hairs. All I’m trying to say is that Mariah Carey naked makes me want to vomit. Nobody wants to see a fat chick on the covers of a magazine. Unless of course it’s “Plumper” magazine and you have some kind of chubby fetish, in which case it should be noted that you’re a disgusting loser and nobody likes you.

Amy Winehouse and her heroin addict husband took turns beating the shit out of each other at a hotel in London yesterday. The Daily Mail reports

Guests at the Sanderson hotel reported hearing the sound of clattering furniture and screaming coming from [Amy and Blake's] £500-a-night suite. The fight left 23-year-old Winehouse with blood staining her pink ballet shoes and the knees of her jeans. Purple bruises could be seen on the side of her neck and her knuckles were swollen. But her 24-year-old husband appeared to have come off a lot worse with cuts and scratches on both cheeks and around his neck.

No good domestic dispute is complete unless it continues out into the street:

At around 2.30am, the fight sounded like it had restarted [and] Winehouse was seen sprinting down the corridor to the lift, pursued by her badly bleeding husband. They started shouting at each other. “Amy was in floods of tears. This guy was screaming at her. She was cowering in the corner and I thought he was going to hit her. When the lift door opened, she took off across the lobby at a real pace. He was chasing after her and was about five paces behind by the time she got to the main hotel entrance.” The couple then dashed into the street. An eyewitness said: “Just after 3am, Amy came sprinting out and down the road. She was in a real state of panic. Blake was running after her, but couldn’t catch up. Amy was so hell-bent on getting away from him that she ran into the middle of the street and flagged down a random car that happened to be full of girls. She was saying, ‘Quickly, I have to get in, I have to get away, please help me’. Her voice was breaking, you could tell she was scared.”

I can’t remember which fairy tale this is more like. Is it The Princess and the Pea? Sleeping Beauty? The Taming of the Shrew? I guess it doesn’t really matter, because like the brave knight in any good fairy tale, her husband came to her rescue:

In a series of texts to celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, she defended her husband and said “Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other… I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life.”

Another good way to save someone’s life is to hold them underwater until they stop kicking. Or offer them a 12-gauge and a pen and a pad of paper. In high school I was in a support group for suicidal teens, so I know all the best ways to save people on the brink of self-destruction. Any good counselor will tell you that the road to recovery starts with binge drinking and cowering in the corner of an elevator. Hmmm… on second thought, maybe it wasn’t “the road to recovery.” Maybe it was “the highway to hell.” I was really into Angus Young and LSD in the eleventh grade, so sometimes it gets a little mixed up.

More pictures of the lovebirds post-fight after the jump

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Nicole Richie served 82 minutes in jail yesterday for her second DUI arrest in January. According to People magazine

Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of a four-day sentence on Thursday due to jail overcrowding, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. Accompanied by her lawyer and boyfriend Joel Madden, the five-months pregnant Richie entered the jail in Lynwood, Calif., at 3:15 p.m. for booking, listed at 5′1″ and 105 lbs. She was processed into the system and released at 4:37 p.m., a sheriff’s statement said.

Lucky for Nicole, she’s not black and she doesn’t have a penis. Because if she did, you better goddamn well believe she’d be spending the next year in jail, lugging around what appears to be a telephone pole in her 5′1″ 105 lb. pants and dodging child support payments. I guess God knew what he was doing when he made Nicole a spoiled little white girl. Who are we to question the Lord’s divine plan?

More of Nicole going to the gym last week after the jump

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Lindsay Lohan finally got her comeuppance in court yesterday for those two separate instances of being coked up and drunk while behind the wheel of a car. Wait, did I just say “comeuppance?” Because what I really meant is “spit on the American justice system and gave it the finger while grabbing her puss.” People magazine reports

Lindsay Lohan will serve at least 24 hours in jail in her drunken-driving cases under the terms of a plea deal reached Thursday. The actress pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of cocaine and pleaded no contest to driving with a blood alcohol level of .08 percent or higher and reckless driving. “Lohan received the same sentence that anyone else with a second DUI conviction would get. She got no special treatment,” said Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers.

Lindsay issued the following statement last night:

“It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.”

You need a back hoe to get through a pile of horseshit this big. Flies actually started buzzing around my computer and the dog wouldn’t stop sniffing the monitor while I was reading this. My husband even came down and yelled, “Jesus — what the hell is that fucking smell?” To which I replied, “Your upper lip, asshole!” and tossed what was left of my coffee in his face. That’s when he grabbed me by the hair and pinned my head between his knees and told me he was this close to ending my useless fucking existence. Talk about full of shit, though! The best that bastard can do is a black eye or two or a couple of missing teeth. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have nothin’ on our love.

Jennifer Lopez goes all vinyl dungeon mistress in her new video. (CelebNewsWire)

Nicole Richie doesn’t want drugs — did I hear that right? (I’m Not Obsessed)

Lindsay Lohan reaps the benefits of doing most of your blow before you get in the car. (MollyGood)

The Germans have got to stop encouraging David Hasselhoff. (Defamer)

Vintage celebrity nipples for your Thursday afternoon. (Drunken Stepfather)

Rebecca Romijn makes my loins weep with joy. (Use My Computer)

I’m supposed to believe that’s milk exploding on Hayden Panettiere’s face? Please. I know porn when I see it. (Tasteful Celebs)

Brian Williams is down with the young folk and their hip happenin’ ways. (Jossip)

Britney Spears has managed to lay low these past few days, presumably hard at work on this massive stinkbomb that just hit the net — the yet untitled stinkbomb’s lyrics are as follows:

Everyday, I’m in a daze
Looking for that someone
And everyday, I sit and kneel and pray
Oh, sweet love, can I get some?
So why do you desert me, baby boy?
I need your love right now!
And if you desert me, baby boy
Don’t you leave me in your crowd

[Talking]
Hey baby, what time you gonna get home?
Oh, really?
[Sigh]
Alright, well, I’ll see you later, then
Oh, wait
Would you mind getting some…
Yeah, when you come home
Yeah, that’s it
I love you too
Bye

[Singing again]
Some day when you see my face
You will think that you have won
And some day when it’s all away
Our love just begun
So why did you desert me, baby boy?
I thought that you, you were the one
So if you preferred the other one
She won’t bring you the sun(son)

If you were so inclined, you could actually listen to this piece of shit here. Or you could just listen to Jeff Daniels spray-painting the inside of a toilet in this scene from the silver screen masterpiece “Dumb & Dumber.”

It’s the same aesthetic experience either way.

Lindsay Lohan is serious about rehab this time. And there are pictures to prove it! According to The New York Daily News

In one perfectly posed shot, a demure Lohan, her hair pulled tightly back, is reading “Alcoholics Anonymous,” AA’s 164-page “Big Book,” which mixes personal stories of redemption with a description of how the program works.

“She really is taking it seriously,” OK! Editor-in-Chief Sarah Ivens said. “She’s replacing L.A. and smoking with yoga and reading. She hasn’t looked this good in years.” Lohan spends her days writing in a journal, soaking up “spiritual classes” and working shifts at Smith’s, a nearby supermarket, where her earnings go to a local charity. She’s been really worried about the influence she’s having on her little sister Ali [13],” Ivens said. “That’s why this time she’s determined to sort herself out, because she doesn’t want her Ali to grow up and suffer the same things she’s suffered.”

Because when I think suffering, I don’t think something trite like “Indonesian children trafficked as sex slaves for Western tourists.” I think Lindsay Lohan. She’s our generations Mahatma Gandhi. And she hasn’t looked this good in years! So much better than when she was a haggard seventeen years old. Unfortunately, the whole “taking it seriously” thing might be a tad premature. OK! Magazine reports today

According to the [source], Lindsay, 21, and a large, older gentleman, possibly a bodyguard, entered a Maverik convenience store in Orem, Utah, last night (Aug. 21) and purchased some Miller Lite. When approached by fans for an autograph, Lindsay’s companion replied, “This is not a good time.”

So we’re to assume she’s blowing this guy and drinking beer in between nature walks and equine therapy? Because I know that’s how I “take it seriously.” People at work used to say, “C’mon, Abby — you need to buckle down and get serious.” And I’d pull a flask out of my drawer and hike up my skirt and put one leg on my desk and the other up on the file cabinet while making some moaning noises and the tongue-in-cheek sign for blowjob. Pretty much the only thing more serious than me is maybe the Holocaust or the AIDS virus. Or Lindsay Lohan, but that really goes without saying.

A couple of boring candids of Lohan NOT buying beer after the jump

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Porn star Jenna Jameson had her giant fake tits replaced with slightly-less-giant fake tits upon announcing her retirement from “getting fucked for a living.” According to an interview with Us Weekly

On why she had her implants removed:

“When I had implants, I felt uncomfortable. I would be shy at the beach. I know it sounds funny, but I’d wear high-necked clothes – unless I was at an adult-film convention. So I thought, Why don’t I be who I am and get my real ones back?”

Shy? Have you seen “Up and Cummers 10?” Or 11? I’ve already seen the inside of your vagina, lady. A little cleavage isn’t going to shock me. You don’t put a band-aid on a leg amputation and pretend everything’s suddenly fine.

On how removing the implants changed her:

“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

Um, I’ve watched you molest yourself. Many times. Just this morning, in fact. Not a big deal, really.

On how she felt postsurgery:

“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

Funny, I’d cry every time I looked in a mirror if I had been on the receiving end of 300 different wieners in the last ten years. That’s what they they make Xanax and whiskey for.

On whether she’s done with porn forever:

“Yes. A hundred percent.”

Regular porn, she means. Now she’ll be tapping into the duck-billed platypus fetish genre.

On who will play her in a movie about her life:

“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

I’m thinking more along the lines of Tara Reid or Lindsay Lohan. Somebody with low self-esteem and big fake tits. Too bad Anna Nicole Smith is dead, because she would have been fucking perfect.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is a first-time father after ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday. TMZ reports

Actress Bridget Moynahan delivered a healthy, bouncing baby boy [yesterday] in Los Angeles. We’re told… Patriot Tom Brady skipped practice and left Beantown early this morning to see his new little linebacker.

If you’d have told me last week that getting knocked up by some dude in the NFL and having his bastard child was a good idea, I’d have laughed in your face. But then I remembered that Tom Brady doesn’t have gold fronts or a burgeoning rap career or a dog-fighting arena in his backyard, so she can probably bank on actually seeing child support instead of just his mug shot on TV. Congratulations, Bridget!

Carey Hart denies cheating on Pink. Mostly because, well — he doesn’t want her to kick his ass. (Hollywood Headache)

Kimberly Stewart has got the ass of a woman twice her age! (Fatback)

Wha-wha-whaaat? Tom and Katie sleeping in separate bedrooms?! No! (DListed)

Bill Murray DUI! Go Bill! Get Stupid! (Celebitchy)

Christina Aguilera is still pregnant and still wearing idiotic hats. (IDLYITW)

Lindsay Lohan gets off easy — because why the fuck not? (The Blemish)

Pete Doherty feeds his pets cocaine. Who knows, maybe cats like cocaine! Did you ever think of that? (BWE)