Somebody needs to take Diddy down a peg. (Mollygood)

Hilary Duff is aging like a fine wine. (Popoholic)

The new season of The Office kicked off with rabies, nipple chafing, and dead cats. (Best Week Ever)

Who wants to watch Mariah take a leak? (The Blemish)

Paris Hilton dresses up like a Barbie to promote her new perfume, which is fitting since it probably smells like plastic commingled with ripe herpes sores. (Celebitchy)

Or if that’s not appealing, you could always go with something a little more “Taco Bell bathroom mixed with Cigarette Butts.” (Celebslam)

Y’know what’s always fun? Laughing at other peoples’ ideas and dreams. (Pajiba)

But watching small children get pwned is a close second. (timekiller)

Ben Stiller appeared on “Ellen” today on his My friend tried to kill himself The Heartbreak Kid press junket and made the following statements, (via People)

“He’s doing really well,” Stiller, 41, tells Ellen DeGeneres on her show Friday.

“I sort of like to protect his privacy, ’cause I feel like it’s his own thing,” says Stiller. “But he’s a really good friend of mine. He’s an incredible guy and I wish him as everybody does, all the best.”

Poor Owen Wilson. I don’t know what the hell pushed him over the edge to make him try to kill himself — but after having his nerdlinger friend going on fucking Ellen telling the world that buddy is keeping a stiff upper lip — I bet whatever it was doesn’t seem so bad now. Nothing jolts you out of a good depression like some Grade A humiliation. Maybe to further put things into perspective, next time he’s out shopping with his Mother he can have her grab the crotch of his pants to “see if there’s enough room in there” — or walk down a red carpet with TP stuck to his shoe.

Hey look! It’s that old white lady who used to bang Flavor Flav! What was her name… Oh, yes — Bridgette Neilson. How could I forget? I must say, she’s looking far less crusty and haggard than she did on the “Surreal Life.” Don’t get me wrong — she still looks like a tranny, just a healthier tranny. Like the kind you wouldn’t find passed out in the dumpster behind the drag bar. Hmmm… I wonder if she stopped smoking. Yep, that’ll do it. Don’t smoke kids!

More of Rumer Willis Bridgette, after the jump!

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After getting off the hook by spending those whole 82 minutes in jail, Nicole Richie finally eats it with a mandatory alcohol rehabilitation program. People reports:

Papers filed with the Superior Court of California show that on Sept. 26 Richie signed up for a 18-month anti-drinking driver course, known as the SB 38 Alcohol Program. SB 38 is for people who have been convicted of DUI on more than one occasion within a 7-year period, the Santa Barbara Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse states on its Web site.

The program consists of 52 hours of group counseling, bi-weekly face-to-face interviews and 12 hours of alcohol education, according to the council. Participants are also encouraged to attend 12-step meetings.

When I was a Sophomore in college my roommate and I got busted drinking 40’s of Coors Light in our dorm room and were forced to spend two Saturdays taking some bullshit alcohol responsibility classes — and let me tell you, it was hell. I’ve tried to repress the memories as much as possible, but I will say there was role playing involved. With strangers. I wouldn’t wish 18 months of that on somebody if they killed my whole family. So let’s just say, if I were Nicole — I’d see if jail were maybe still an option.

More photos of some Ethiopian in a red bikini after the jump.

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Wait, so who is Joey Fatone again? Well, whoever he is, he’s got a message for Britney Spears. From People:

“Britney, call me, come over to my house, come to Orlando, get away from it all,” Fatone, tells Extra. “It’s a good thing to get out of L.A.”

“I think she just needs some time, some time to really heal,” says Fatone, who has known Spears for many years. The current Singing Bee host was also a member of N’ Sync with Spears’s former flame, Justin Timberlake.

Ahhhh, that’s right — he’s that douche from N’ Sync! Now let’s see here, if I’m correct, the list of People Who Britney Doesn’t Listen To include: her mother, two former managers, one former lawyer, Kevin Federline, Elton John, MTV, Candy Spelling, helpful paparazzi, Sean Preston and Jayden James, and a District Judge. Yep, Britney didn’t listen to any of those people, but that was before the guy with the karaoke TV show stepped up to the plate. Golly gosh, she may just get through this after all!

More of Britney and her ratty-ass weave leaving her recording studio Thursday after the jump — only because no one has taken a picture of Joey Fatone since 1998 and it was only because he was standing next to Justin Timberlake. And even then I’m pretty sure he got cropped out.

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Don’t you dare fart in front of Tom Cruise. Don’t you dare. (Jossip)

Dita von Teese in a corset means… uh, something about chopping off your dog’s balls. Yay boobies! (Fatback)

JLo embraces Photoshop for a stunning “Arena” spread. (The Grumpiest)

Who’s Kristen Bell? I don’t know, but she’s in a bikini, so here you go. (Egotastic)

Bridget Monynahan and her bastard child on the cover of OK! (Socialite Life)

Pink’s husband has just about had enough of her dick. (Gabsmash)

Bai Ling works the two-fold band-aid fashion accessory. (The Bastardly)

Stocking up on condoms and Anal-Eaze was a total waste — Lindsay isn’t leaving rehab anytime soon. (Evil Beet)

Tigger punches a kid at Disneyland. It’s a magical place to visit! (timekiller)

Creepy pervert Joe Simpson recently admitted that daughter Ashley did, in fact, have work done on her nose last year — despite her complete refusal to acknowledge it in the slightest — but the surgery was for her “breathing problems,” not because her schnozz was huge and lumpy. Right. According to Female First

Joe Simpson says the 22-year-old star underwent rhinoplasty last year purely for health reasons. Joe told Us Weekly magazine: “Girls have their own ideas. Anyway, there was a real problem with her breathing and that was cured.

Um, if you meant deviated septum surgery, then her surgeon totally fucked it up, because the septum is on the inside of the nose. Not the outside. Meaning the outward appearance of the nose wouldn’t change. At all. Dumbass. By the same token I should assume that Jessica’s breast implants regulate her heart palpitations and the extensions help with the seizures. You know, I never really thought about claiming my tattoo on my health insurance, but thanks to Joe, I now see that it just might have been a “treatment for eczema” instead of the “horrible reminder of ‘Tequila Bong’ Spring Break ‘98″ that it is today. Just like the anus-bleaching was for my hemorrhoids and the bikini wax was for my asymmetrical labia. Blue Cross/Blue Shield is going to my bitch. You just wait!

Gladeville Middle School would like to take this opportunity to welcome Miss Natalie Portman aboard! A graduate of Calvary Chapel Bible College with a B.A. in music, Miss Portman will be teaching chorus to our sixth graders for the remainder of the school year. Join her and “The Note-Worthies” tonight at 7:30 in the middle school gymnasium for a medley of fifties classics. It’s sure to be a “Rockin’ Robin” good time!

More of Miss Portman at a special screening of ‘Hotel Chevalier’ after the jump

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It’s bad enough that those sausages are staring down at the floor, but factor in the drool stain and the crazy devil eyes and Britney Spears might as well be pilfering through a dumpster and babbling to herself. My tiny heart must have grown three sizes today, because I almost feel sorry for her. Who knows — maybe “homeless chic” and “lunatic vagrant” are in right now. Maybe we just missed the trend. Maybe hepatitis C and rusty shopping carts full of aluminum cans are this season’s must-have accessories. Besides, everybody knows that nothing gives you that rosy autumn glow quite like a liter of gin and a little windburn. Exposure could very well be this fall’s little black dress. Exposure, or a broke-ass weave and colored contacts. Next month’s Vogue ought to clear thing up for us.

More of the trend-setter and her sad, sad nipples after the jump

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“Jackass” imbecile Steve-O told fellow imbecile Howard Stern yesterday that Lindsay Lohan once stole a bag of cocaine from him. According to Page Six

The freaky comic, who laughed uncontrollably while saying he likes to inhale nitrous oxide from whipped cream cans, said Lohan took the “Boog Suge” from him after she forgot her wallet in his bathroom and came back to his place to get it. There’s even proof she was there - Lohan had to sign a release while at Steve-O’s house for a DVD he was filming at the time.

The asswipe factor of this post is practically incalculable. It’s like I’m drowning in sea of douchebaggery and all I’ve got to cling to is a fucktard rope. Jesus. Well, it’s a fact that anyone who publicly refers to blow as “the boog sug” deserves to have their stash stolen. Same goes for people who call marijuana “the wacky tobaccky” and pussy “daddy’s beef stroganoff.” Really, it’s all I can do to even type words that gay. Just having read them already makes you 42% uncooler, according to a USA Today gallup poll. Loser!

More of Lohan outside rehab after the jump.

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Wanna be a famous internet blogger like me? Here’s your chance. (Metadish)

Nothin’ says true love like an amputated ear. Or, if you’re Pete Doherty, a dead mouse. (About:Celebrity Gossip)

Nice day for a white wedding, Keira. (Use My Computer)

Anne Hathaway’s boobs and kitty in one magical shot. (CityRag)

Kristin Cavallari looks like the queen of Shady Pines trailer park. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kate Moss gets engaged — and it’s NOT Pete Doherty! (Seriously? OMG)

Brad’s pet name for Angelina is “Mo.” My nickname for Angie is “The Tongue.” Which is better? (Celebitchy)

Heidi Montag was willing to die for fake tits. If only we were so lucky. (MollyGood)

Everything you ever wanted to know about defecating courtesy Japanimation. (timekiller)

Britney Spears indulged her public restroom habit earlier this week, only this time with a little twist — she invited one of the paparazzi into the crapper with her. I would assume only to fuck him or have him assist in making moonshine in the toilet, but Best Week Ever’s footage indicates otherwise. It’s been suggested she was asking for tampons. Possibly condoms. “Condom” can sounds a lot like “tampon” from far away. On an related note, “Get the fuck off me you psycho bitch” can sound a lot like “I love you and want you to have my baby.” Especially if there’s duct tape over his mouth. So make sure you know exactly what he’s saying before you go and throw your diaphragm away. You know, just in case.