I’m not even sure why anyone is still gives a fart about these two chuckleheads, but since I’m a sucker for a good gay scandal, here goes. According to a new “tell all” book, Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith’s Death, written by former (stress on former) MSNBC “journalist” Rita Cosby — Larry Birkhead and Howard Stern were gay lovers! The plot thickens! From Us Weekly:

“Zero truth to it,” Birkhead tels Us. “I don’t know how Cosby can print lies like that without once attempting to contact me. That’s journalism 101.”

So why did Stern and Birkhead attend L.A.’s Gay Pride parade in June 2005, where Smith was grand marshal? “I was a photographer,” Birkhead explains to Us. “My camera is around my neck in every picture.”

Uh huh. A photographer. Well played, Birkhead. However, in a related story about Cosby’s source, Jackie Hatten, Us Weekly writes:

One of the more salacious stories? Hatten’s claim that she once walked in on Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern half-naked and engaged in oral sex at a party at a friend’s house.

Cosby writes, “‘Howard’s head was down into Larry’s [private area],’ Jackie told me. ‘Their bodies were intermingled. It was obvious what was happening.’ Anna suddenly walked up behind her and laughed out loud when she saw what the two men were doing.”

Huh? Explain that, Mr. Explainer. Wait — no, let me. While attending this party, you got fondue all over the crotch of your brand new pants, and like a good friend Howard was simply offering to help you clean up. But once you got the pants off, he noticed the Swiss Gruyere had leaked clear down to your wang, and without any napkins handy — what’s a friend to do? Sure, leave it to some pervs to find something filthy about a friend helping out a friend. Next, they’re going to make up some “gay” story about that time Howard was taking a piss and got bitten by a poisonous snake, and you were just trying to suck the poison out.