The 2007 Emmy Awards were last night, and like you, I didn’t watch a goddamn second of it. I was forced to attend some sex toy party a neighbor had instead because I’m too nice to tell people no. And as a reward for my selflessness, I was actually made to stick my finger in what the Pure Romance lady coyly referred to as a “pocket pussy.” Oh, yes. It even queefed when I pulled my finger out.

But I would wager that sticking my digits into fake rubber vaginas was still more fun than a self-congratulatory celebrity award show that lasted seven hours. So, without further ado, what we really care about here — the dresses. Overall, I give this years Emmys’ look a huge thumbs down. There were maybe one or two actresses that looked really good. Ali Larter up there, for example. Everyone else — the big hair, the ruffles, the thick, greasy makeup –was just hideous. Geriatric and poofy and fucking hideous. See for yourself after the jump.

If you care who actually won what, you can click here for an excruciatingly detailed recap of last night’s show.

First, the best dressed:

Padma Lakshmi. Look at that tiny little waist. And the stunning simplicity of white against her dark hair and skin. However, the face she’s making and the way she’s holding her stomach there makes it look like she’s trying to stifle a fart.

Maria Menounos. Again with the white and simple lines, but the necklace adds just the right amount of flair. It’s perfect accent for her décolleté without looking gaudy or costume-y. And I also happen to be a huge fan of boobs. Boobs!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The color is fantastic on her. The mermaid hem gives it an air of forties-era glamour.

Now here’s a mermaid hem gone horribly wrong on Katherine Heigl. Where Jullia’s was breezy and fluid, hers seems constricting and starchy. She looks uncomfortable, something’s clearly wrong with the padding, and she has to walk with her knees pinned together like she’s got a corn cob jammed up her ass. Also, I hate super bright lipstick. It’s something you’d expect to see on a Mary Kay representative leaning against a pink Cadillac in Dallas, but not on the red carpet at the Emmy’s.

Mother of God. Where do I even start? Hayden Panettiere is eighteen years old, and it looks like she lifted that straight out of Queen Elizabeth’s closet and tacked a bra on top with a brooch. Horrible.

Boy, Latin ladies love them some rhinestones, don’t they? Eva Longoria gets points for the visible nipples and her hair looks good — not overdone or fussy like so many others at the show — but that kind of plastic bling needs black eyeliner that extends out toward the temples and some completely drawn on eyebrows. Also, more gold jewelery and a scrunchie. Maybe some acrylic nails with airbrushed tips. And she should stink of Eternity.

Marcia Cross’ hair looks great, and I like those earrings set against her the red-gold hue of her hair. It’s striking. The dress itself is alright. There’s cleavage, so there’s that, but… eh. It doesn’t blow me away, either.

GOD. DAMN. ELLEN. POMPEO. There’s no reason to even look at the dress when your hair’s this bad. Was Blanche Deveraux her stylist or something? Nice tassels.

How do you fuck up making a lingerie supermodel look glamorous? You’d think Heidi Klum couldn’t ever go wrong. Well, um, not exactly. Bad hair, bad makeup, just everything bleehhh. Plus she brought Seal with her. I had to deduct points on that alone. The guy is a troll.

Christina Aguilera always looks like a tranny with her standard eight pounds of face paint and peroxide white hair, so I don’t know why I’d expect her to look any different in a red carpet gown. Kudos to Jessica McClintock for making prom wear 2007′s red carpet attire.

This pains my very soul, because I love “The Office” and I love Pam. But Jenna Fischer’s dress is horrid. There’s just no getting around it. It’s a cross between hotel drapes and my Mee-Maw’s fancy gift-wrap.