British packaging heiress Stephanie Allen began divorce proceedings last week after discovering her husband, this guy:

had been sticking it to Lindsay Lohan while in rehab. The Daily Mail reports

Exhibit ‘A’, which is attached to the divorce papers, includes articles claiming Lohan started a relationship with Tony Allen while they were both being treated at the Cirque Lodge clinic in Utah. Stephanie is said to have been “devasted” by the allegations. A friend reportedly said: “She went through IVF three times and suffered two miscarriages, and when they finally got two beautiful babies, he hooks up in rehab with a girl half his age.” Tony has denied the Lohan sex claims, but another report claims that when mates in a bar quizzed him about it, he boasted: “C’mon, it’s Lindsay Lohan. Hell, yes! Wouldn’t you?”

I sure hope the firecrotch tasted good going down, because Tony there is saying auf Wiedersehen to the 1.5 billion dollar empire that is Linpac Packaging. They make all the boxes for McDonald’s world wide. I said McDonalds. Yes. Little dollar bills with wings are literally fluttering around this woman at all times, and Tony’s just gonna pluck them out of the air and use them to wipe the stank off his wiener. It would have probably been easier to just slam an encyclopedia shut on his dick a couple of times and pay a meth whore to swab her mouth sores with it, but, you know, where’s the fun in that? I’m pretty sure guys who wear eyeliner really like a good challenge. And a good ass-kicking and writing poems in their journal, but that’s really beside the point.

More of Lindsay dressed as a Foot Locker employee on the way to see ‘Good Luck Chuck’ after the jump

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Kim Kardashian is doing Playboy, to the shock of absolutely-fucking-nobody. (Fatback)

How many damn times do I have to report that Britney is gonna lose her kids before it fucking happens already?! (Celebitchy)

And speaking of poor, fucked up celebrity kids — here’s Francis Bean with one of the Willis-Moore offspring. (DListed)

Prince is dating/accessorising a pair of identical twins that go by the name “The Twinz.” I sincerely wish I was making this up. (Socialite’s Life)

Good Luck Chuck sounds like it’s going to be a big steaming turd awesome! (Jossip)

Avril Lavigne still sucks unholy ass — now with audio! (IDLYITW)

“Gossip Girl” was a “Masterpiece of Crap” — or, Crapterpiece, if you will. (Pajiba)

Allow me to put all of my usual hate and venom aside for just a moment to say that I absolutely adore Alyson Hannigan. I really, honestly do. I think she’s gorgeous and seems like a genuinely nice, down to Earth actress. Which is why it pains me incredibly to bring you these photos of her at the CBS season premiere party earlier this week dressed like a huge ass. Really, Alyson? The Cleopatra bangs and heavy eyeliner? Has anyone ever successfully pulled off that look?

And then the outfit — well fucking Christ I don’t even know where to begin. The dress — or whatever you want to call it — with the big plastic opaque rhinestones? Was it arts and crafts day down at the retard center? The dark nail polish and the heavy gold accessories? And then let’s just slap some knee high boots to tie the whole thing together, because why the fuck not? It sounds like somebody is getting a little big for her britches, and needs to go back and watch old episodes of “Buffy” to remember where she came from.

As much as it pains me — closeups after the jump.

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Mariah Carey attended the VH1’s Save the Music gala Thursday night, and although she’s looking somewhat slimmer than recent appearances — she wants us all to know that we don’t have to worry about her losing that sweet, sweet Carey badunkadunk! From People:

But there’s no chance of Carey, 38, losing her womanly curves. “I don’t feel like you have to be a size zero. We should all just embrace who we are physically,” she said. “I’m not supposed to be a stick figure girl. It’s just not me.” Last year, the singer first confessed her “bleak” diet consisted of “basically soups and fish prepared really blandly.” And Carey couples the nutrition plan with arguably the most well-traveled trainer in town.

First of all, I’m not worried about Mariah Carey dropping to a size zero because I don’t think Mariah Carey’s skeleton is a size zero. Second of all, fish and soup my ass. I have it in good faith that Mariah Carey’s real “diet secret” consists of a daily trip to the “all you can eat buffet” down at the Ponderosa chased with 2 boxes of Krispy Kremes and two fingers down the gullet. Throw in a titanium strength corset, and presto — instant diet!

More of Mariah in all her retarded, butterfly ring wearing glory, after the jump.

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Joe Francis wants you to know that he’s not just a philandering, dateraping cad. He’s a philandering, dateraping cad with a soul. And to prove it, he’s launched a brand new website to prove to everyone what an awesome guy he really is. From meetjoefrancis.com:

Friends,

I’m excited to have this opportunity to introduce myself to you personally. Over the years, I’ve gotten used to being misunderstood. From as early as the first grade, when a teacher’s aide took offense at my efforts to get her attention by putting a tack on her chair, to more recently, when a certain Southern judge took a relentless interest in putting me behind bars, it seems that I have been in a constant struggle just to be understood as a regular guy trying to get by in life.

Man, it’s just like the “system” is out to get this guy! What kind of shitty, negligent teacher takes “offense” at a kid trying to do her bodily harm? No child left behind, my ass. And what’s up with that judge? All he did was have sex with some girls that may or may not have been of a legal age of consent. There are like murderers out there, Judge Meanie. Why don’t you take more of an interest in people who are out killing people, huh? Exactly.

People have said a lot of colorful things about me, not all of which are true, and certainly not all of which are flattering. One thing I do know for sure, for example, is that I’m not a criminal. It’s been my habit to either ignore personal attacks or laugh them off. But there is just too much misinformation out there about me, and I think it’s time to set the record straight.

Joe’s not a criminal! And how dare anyone say otherwise! Just because the man is in jail — how do you know he did all that raping and child pornography, anyway? Unless there is say — videotaped evidence of such — I would strongly encourage you to think before you say such hurtful things, sirs.

It might be a stretch to say that I’m just your average Joe, but as you explore this site, I think you’ll come to find that my desires, dreams and disappointments aren’t terribly different from your own. I suppose the particulars of my life might seem remarkable, even unbelievable to some people. But that’s the reason for this website. Because if it hadn’t happened to me, I never would have believed it myself.

My dreams in life are are to retire early, live comfortably and visit Europe. Joe Francis dreams of someday getting out of jail, and jumping into a pool filled with naked 16 year old girls. Are we really so different, my friends? I think not.

Kristin Davis was photographed on the set of the Sex and the City movie yesterday, wearing a prosthetic pregnant belly — as it seems her character, “the least ugly one” is knocked up in the upcoming film. Oh, whoops — I guess I should have issued a “spoiler alert” to all of the gay men and lonely 45 year old women out there reading. Sorry, but the only thing that could possibly make me give an iota of a shit about the plot of this movie is if Kristen Davis has got a killer mutant baby brewing in there that goes on a killing spree moments after birth, bloodily killing the entire cast. Starting with Sarah Jessica Parker.

More photos after the jump in which (spoiler alert!) no one is messily eviscerated. Unfortunately.

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Amy Winehouse shows her gratitude for the Female Singer of the Year Award by clinging to the mike stand and forgetting half the words to her own song. (MollyGood)

It’s a Cameron Diaz upskirt kind of day! (Seriously? OMG)

Not even rhinestones can save Debra Messing now. Homegirl is FUG. (The Bastardly)

Thought Avril Lavigne would be more tolerable in a see-through shirt? Nope, still fucking annoying. (Ninja Dude)

Helena Christensen looking amazing in GQ. (goldenfiddle)

Is that cellulite on Pam Anderson’s thigh or just old lady “heppy C” skin? (Drunken Stepfather)

Cheese rolling — a fun but dangerous sport. (timekiller)

You might not be topping GQ’s list of “Sexiest Women Alive,” but I bet you’ve had your ass tapped more times than Angelina Jolie has. According to Hot Online News

Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie is stunned by her man-eating reputation, insisting she has only ever slept with four men. The ‘Tomb Raider’ star claims she has only had sex with current partner Brad Pitt, former husbands Billy-Bob Thornton and Johnny Lee Miller and one other nameless man. She tells Britain’s Cosmopolitan magazine: “It was never true. I had only slept with four men in my life - and I married two of them!”

Wow. The idea that I could teach Angelina Jolie a few things about love — just, you know, wow. I might not have had sex with vials of blood around my neck or a riding crop in my hand, but I’ve been on my back more than a car mechanic in traction, so I’d still consider myself a sexual maestro of sorts. And “Sexual maestro” just sounds so much better then “insecure slut.” I’m really thinking about changing my business cards again.

More of Angie and Brad at the screening of “The Assassination of Jesse James” after the jump

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I heard that when Meryl Streep saw these pictures of Jessica Simpson on the set of her new movie “Major Movie Star,” she stormed directly into her agent’s office started screaming, “This should be me! ME!” and flinging her Oscars through a window. And while she was sobbing and glass was shattering, Katherine Hepburn rolled over in her grave to shake one angry fist at the sky. Why do all the best roles always go to the girls with big tits? I’m telling you, man, the Academy is fucking rigged.

More of drunken vagrant Jessica after the jump

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In more midget news today, “Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere threatened to kill a reporter while on the red carpet at the Emmy’s for claiming she and her boyfriend of a year had broken up. A grown-up, regular sized reporter. Ahem. According to TV Guide

Hayden Panettiere threatened to “kill” a staffer from Us Weekly over something she wrote about her in a recent issue. Just when it looked like Hayden was about to pull a Sylar on said reporter’s skull, her quick-thinking publicist grabbed her and scolded, “Not on the red carpet.” It was a classic Hollywood moment — and one I predict will be streaming all over the Internet by week’s end.

Well, first of all, I blame you for watching stuff like “The Hills” and “Heroes” and “High School Musical” in the first place. It’s your fault these stupid teenage twats think they’re somebody important. Really, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t even know who Hayden Panettiere is. I’d just figure she was one of Jerry Lewis’ Downs Syndrome kids and have left her the hell alone, because it isn’t nice to make fun of retards and I’m a nice girl. But now I don’t even have to google her to spell her name correctly anymore. I’m not sure which is a sadder commentary on my life — that I know how to spell Hayden’s last name or that I fell three stories of a balcony this morning and I wasn’t even trying to kill myself. Not yet, anyway. One more Hayden Panettiere or Heidi Montag story and you guys just might get your wish. Heartless bastards.

More of Stubby in some hot pants yesterday after the jump

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Midget boxer Oscar De La Hoya is of course alleging that those shameful pictures of him in a fishnet body suit and ladies pumps that hit the net yesterday are fakes. His rep even went as far as to say the pictures “are clearly Photoshopped. His head’s too small and it doesn’t even look like his body.” *cough cough* BULLSHIT! *cough* Rush and Molloy tell a very different story

The photos are being peddled by a Scores [stripper], according to the Gotham magazine columnist who scored the first interview with the twentysomething woman. “She says she took the photos at the Ritz-Carlton in Philadelphia on May 17,” he tells us. “I fully believe she is telling the truth. She had been reluctant to talk. But now that she’s being called a liar, she’s ready to sell her story.

They’d meet up in hotels, where the party could go on for days. There was a lot of tequila. It involved men and women. They indulged his every whim and taste. He wore size 9 ladies shoes. He also liked wearing thigh-high nylons. He liked sex games. He and the girl would sit in a chair that they’d pretend was a motorcycle. He’d pretend he was the girl on the back of motorcycle. She’d be the guy. He’d grab her around the waist and squeal, ‘Faster! Faster!’”

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s like a comedy gold mine. Everywhere you look there’s a fucking punchline. Jesus, can you even top a midget dressed like a woman playing pretend motorcycle and squealing? I’ve stared at this computer for hours and I’ve still got nothin’. Maybe a joke about his getting kicked in the jimmy. Or something with poop. I don’t know. The point is, this may possibly be the pinnacle of my career right here, and I didn’t write a goddamn word of it. Yep, it’s going to be a good day, my friends. Sometimes you can just tell.

In case you missed it in the Quickies yesterday, a couple of those shots of Oscar again after the jump.

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Oscar de la Hoya in a wig and fishnets. It’s pretty fucking gay. (Celebrity Smack)

Kylie Minogue channels Shirley Temple and a dominatrix. (The Grumpiest)

Jennifer Garner is the devil in a red dress. (Fatback)

Cindy Crawford’s mole may be the source of her agelessness. Suck on that, Ponce de Leon! (Derek Hail)

Justin Timberlake actually does something NOT gay with a video camera. (Celebitchy)

Alicia Silverstone gets naked on behalf of animals everywhere. (CelebNewsWire)

Shia Labeouf’s facebook is growing exponentially. I blame internet porn. (Jossip)

The father of that loser who made a tape of himself crying about Britney Spears’ VMA performance expresses his shame on Jimmy Kimmel. (timekiller)