Charlize Theron Is the Sexiest Woman Alive
Tags: Charlize Theron
Esquire magazine has named actress Charlize Theron the Sexiest Woman Alive, saying
Close on Charlize’s face. Her eyes hold the gaze of the camera directly, disarmingly… She looks like a person who knows exactly what’s going on — everything sorted and rich in the possibility of desire, everything painful and cheap, cruel and unspoken in the world around her — and it does not scare her.
But wait… there’s more.
Close on Charlize’s mouth, her lips bent in her particular smile, sexy and knowing, a little bit leering, just sweet enough that you feel wont to assume some connection, some secret between you. This is the big trick of sexiness. The big lie. But it’s no trick at all for her. She bites down on the pack of cigarettes and unspools the cellophane with her teeth, a luscious and familiar dissection.She devours whatever she looks at, without greed or arrogance, simply because the world delights her.
Blah blah blah it goes on for pages. The rest of the article goes something like this:
“You run your hands in a sinewy stream over your own erect penis and over the ripe derrière spread before you. You can’t, mustn’t deny yourself. plunging ever deeper to move in syncopated rhythm. The boy cries out in anguish, relief, clenching around your throbbing phallus in a velvety vice. See, that means his ass. You’re putting your wiener in his ass. Right in the pooper. And you like it. A lot. Because you’re gay. Incredibly gay. How do I know you’re gay? Because you were reading fucking Esquire, dude. That makes you a fag. Fact.”
You can find this article and more in next month’s Esquire — on newsstands now!
More of Charlize’s sexy spread after the jump
13 Comments, Comment or Ping
abby
The fact that y’all aren’t saying anything proves you’re gay.
Oct 11th, 2007
Nooken
Sexiest woman alive eh? I would have agreed a few years ago but she’s a bit passe isn’t she? I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers , “right Crackers?”. Sexiest woman alive? I just don’t buy it, not in todays marketplace.
Oh, does this prove I’m not gay? If so, do you have, like, a card I can get or something? It’s a real drag trying to prove it all the time without paperwork.
Oct 11th, 2007
Nooken
That crackers line has a (looks at crotch) reference but I used stupid angle brackets and the program must think it is a html tag. D’oh.
Oct 11th, 2007
abby
I find yelling “I’m not gay” every hour on the half hour does a pretty good job of proving your heterosexuality. You could also grab your balls and say “pussy” a lot. It’s easier than getting an embossed certificate.
Oct 11th, 2007
kdawg
I’m not a lesbo but I would fuck the shit out of that girl any day. She is gorgeous, highly intelligent, and has a great sense of humor. I just really hate her “husband” Stuart Townsend. That guy is a cock, and also, he’s totally gay.
Oct 11th, 2007
open mouth jones
Abby, I find the “I’m Not Gay” back thump greeting works wonders for restoring my hetrosexuality.
To perform, simply locate your nearest same-sex friend, thump them three times on the back (DO NOT allow upper or lower body parts to actually come into contact w/ the other person- in manner of Air Hug) while mentally chanting “I’m Not Gay”. Works everytime. Except around Angelina.
Oct 11th, 2007
Nooken
Cool, that is good advice. I see what I’ve been doing wrong (who I’ve been doing wrong?). I will start to employ all techniques suggested as kind of a medley.
I never said I wouldn’t let her sleep with me… I am quite charitable after all and she is pretty frickin’ hot but sexiest? Nope, not sexiest.
I’m not sure how intelligent she is either. She filmed a terrible movie in city I was living in. It was late winter (spring for you Americans) and she let her dog shit on her hotel balcony because it (at -5 degrees celcius, 23 fahrenheit) was too cold to walk her dog like a regular person. I guess that’s not really an intelligence testable situation but it does mean she’s a bit of a knob and made me less fond of her. I could only angry masturbate to her image for a few months.
Oct 11th, 2007
torkue
It’s a velvety vise, dude. (I should know–I’ve been there.) A vice is like my addiction to Cheez Whiz(TM).
Oct 11th, 2007
Mr. Poop
Sexiest women alive??? ROTFL fuck outta here with that shit. No way in hell, sorry. Not even close.
Oct 11th, 2007
abby
I did the ‘vice’ thing on purpose, because the author of the Esquire article said “sorted” in that first quote when I’m sure he meant “sordid.” I was just trying to mimic his douchiness and word-butchering. It was supposed to be a sort of tongue-in-cheek burn for the sharp-eyed linguist.
But thanks for not being a pompous asshole about it. Hats off, torkue. You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.
Oct 12th, 2007
margaretta
Man! Sexiest Man alive, right? That was a type right?
Oct 12th, 2007
Sarah
that belly and those thighs look like she’s been eating a lot more than “crackers.” i’m not impressed and i don’t think she is very sexy at all.
Oct 12th, 2007
Gweilo
Main pic = reality. Excuse me, could you give me a light?
Oct 14th, 2007
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