Jennifer Lopez Flops Bigtime
Tags: Jennifer Lopez
While Jennifer Lopez has been busy pretending she’s not pregnant and promoting her latest crapfest “Brave,” — which barely broke 53,000 copies in its first week, by the way — her label is starting to feel the sting of all the dollars they pissed away on her. MSNBC reports
“She costs too much money and doesn’t sell enough,” says a source close to Epic Records says. “Her last album cover alone cost $60,000 in hair and makeup, lighting, photographers, re-touching, etc. The video budget was in the neighborhood of $300,000.”
And that’s just what it costs to get the album out the door. Lopez performed on “Good Morning America” earlier this month, and “Epic had to eat the cost for that entire performance. From her makeup — which typically costs in the neighborhood of $8,000 per day — to the backup singers, to the rigging, lighting and sound — the woman requires everything short of flying monkeys to get on a stage.” Lopez also appeared on “Dancing With the Stars,” and [the source] estimates that it cost Lopez and her label at least $60,000.
Well, even if her music career is going down the shitter, she still has that acting gig to fall back on, right? Wrong. According to Pages Six
Weeks after her new album tanked and her movie “El Cantante” fell flat, her next film is going straight to video. “Bordertown” - where J. Lo plays a reporter probing the murders of female factory workers in Mexico - will hit video stores in January, reports Moviefone. Co-starring Antonio Banderas, the flick was booed at the Berlin International Film Festival.
Here’s the deal: she had everything just right — safe romantic comedies, bland dance tracks, handsome movie star boyfriend — and then she gets dumped and starts trying to prove herself as a “serious actress” and marries Skeletor and decides she’s going to sing lullabies in Spanish, effectively alienating her preteen Caucasoid demographic without ever truly being embraced by the Latino demographic, because the new Latina Hayneefair sucks bigtime. Has she ever even seen “Sábado Gigante?” First of all, you don’t make it anywhere in the Latin biz without some big fake tits or some seriously big fake tits. Also, spandex is your best friend and a Sharpie doubles as an eyebrow pencil, eyeliner and beauty mark applicator all in one magical package. $4.99 at Office Max is two-thirds of your entire makeup budget right there. Not to mention all the money she could have saved Sony BMG on the production value of her album alone. If she wanted it to sound Spanish, she didn’t even need a bass line in most of the songs. Just kazoos and some tin cans on a string, maybe a little maraca action and a couple of well-timed “ay-yi-yi’s.” And fuck a tour bus! She should have been able to fit her entire entourage plus most of her extended family in a 1974 GMC Vandura. By my calculation that entire transformation should have cost around four hundred and fifty dollars. Next time “Jenny from the Bloque” reinvents herself she needs to do a little more goddamn research.
Hayneefair not being pregnant in LA yesterday:
25 Comments, Comment or Ping
BarbadoSlim
If my personal philosophy were applied to daily life you wouldn’t be able to serve in the god damned Supreme Court without a pair of fake colossal tits or at minimum, a single superboob, but, I digress. Why waste 60k on all the album cover enhancements when they could’ve shot a picture of her grotesque ass? At least they would’ve had an assured 350,000 copy release with the ass fetishist demo.
Oct 31st, 2007
Dragulf
8K a DAY for makeup! and you can still recognize the bitch? Someone is getting shafted for sure!!!
p.s. JLo, you never were that good a singer. Dancer, maybe. Actress, only when ya showed your titties.
Oct 31st, 2007
BarbadoSlim
I have a cousin that can get you guys a good deal on a ‘74 Vandura or the less known, yet more reliable, Dodge Tradesman.
Oct 31st, 2007
scarlett
Crapfest, my favorite summation of all time.
Oct 31st, 2007
abby
Turdapalooza is pretty good, too.
Oct 31st, 2007
bionic bunny
compared to her rat-faced husband, the REAL skeletor was exceedingly buff.
Oct 31st, 2007
Gawdy
I get where you are going with this but weeks ago she sat down for an interview and admitted she was pregnant. If you are going to bitch about her at least do it for the right reasons.
I still think she sucks, but she has come out and said she was pregnant and they had to go to a fertility clinic.
Oct 31st, 2007
Weezy
$8K will *buy* you an entire *block* in the Bronx!
Oct 31st, 2007
kareno
horrible article. this site really blows. whoever wrote this is a complete douche.
Oct 31st, 2007
BarbadoSlim
kareno Oct 31st, 2007 at 3:29 pm
horrible article. this site really blows. whoever wrote this is a complete douche.
________________________________________________________________________
Nah, you are mistaken, your friends might not want to tell you this buuuut you are the only douche here *GASP* (I know, I’m shocked too) believe me when I tell you I only have your BEST interests at heart.
Oct 31st, 2007
Mr. Poop
This is da same braud dat has a networth of $110 million dollars? Wtf??? Guess she still wins…dammit.
Oct 31st, 2007
Jake
” Here’s the deal: she had everything just right — safe romantic comedies, bland dance tracks, handsome movie star boyfriend — and then she gets dumped and starts trying to prove herself as a “serious actress” and marries Skeletor and decides she’s going to sing lullabies in Spanish. ”
That’s where you should have stopped. Everything else is overkill and unfunny. You need an editor to filter your crap.
Oct 31st, 2007
Not Jake
I beg to differ with Mr. Poop.
I think everything afterwards was golden. Because I can take a joke. I’m not some liberal hippy douche that gets upset when somebody brings to light the fact that there are subtle differences in our cultures.
I’d like to push Mr. Poop out of a window. I’m not going to elaborate on which floor the window should be on, just the fact that I’d like to push him out of one.
Twenty-three.
Oct 31st, 2007
Not Jake
Sorry, I meant Jake… Not Mr. Poop. Sorry Mr. Poop.
I want to make it perfectly clear that I meant Jake and not Mr. Poop. I beg the forgiveness of Mr. Poop.
And I’d like to take Jake to lunch at that restaurant with that really great view.
Oct 31st, 2007
Rick in Duxbury
OK, to review, JLO was doing Affleck who was doing Enza Sambataro who is doing Kevin Youkilis of the Red Sox. Eew!
Oct 31st, 2007
Ace
J Lo can’t watch Sabado Gigante, it’s too latino for her. Additionally, that entree to Latino America closed when she released all those shitty romantic comedies with due reason. As much as I love Samuel L. Jackson as a Black man, his community street cred would be shot if he started doing those too.
Nov 1st, 2007
Dee
While I don’t think that JLo has been successful I think that your comment about Latinos was extremely arrogant. Latino encompasses a number of nationalities, not just MEXICAN, as most ignorant Americans seem to believe. It shows that the writer of this article is a complete moron whose point is lost the second he tries to “explain” what she should do to become Latina. Latino music is much more complex than just some tin cans and kazoos asshole. Think before writing.
Nov 1st, 2007
izel
How is the article funny? Whoever wrote it is a fucking idiot. The article is offensive had it been funny it would have been ok but it wasnt!
Nov 2nd, 2007
GoodScout
“Also, spandex is your best friend and a Sharpie doubles as an eyebrow pencil, eyeliner and beauty mark applicator all in one magical package.”
That was without a doubt the funniest thing I’ve read all week! Comedy GOLD!
Nov 2nd, 2007
JimR
“Skeletor”’s career is doing a hell of a lot better than hers is!
Nov 2nd, 2007
jwilson07
Dee, tragically Latino music seems to still be using tubas and other 1920’s instruments. Also if Americans are so ignorant how come we, with all our troubles, still have a paradise compared to anything south of the border? Perhaps you “not ignorant” latinos can in the future figure out items like indoor plumbing and clean water systems. News flash for latinos, human waste is to be disposed of and treated, not put onto your food supply as a cheap alternative to fertilizers.
Nov 11th, 2007
MEGA STOCK PICK
For some reason I belive Jennifer Lopez smells bad,
and has EXTREMELY smelly poops.
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Nov 18th, 2007
maniac bones
she cant sing, she cant act and she has over 100 million networth!
Nov 20th, 2007
Genuine Jenny "Ex" Boyfriend
You Jenny haters are clueless! If you don’t personally know her? You don’t know crap! All you know is the public marketing machine J-lo. Few people stay on top for more than 5 years. Jennifer has stayed on top for 10 years! She has the right to do “non-researched” creativity. She has earned it.
Plus, I will give a clue. Even though she may snip at you at times, she is eternally sweet. And if you are ever loved by her? You are forever loved by her. This I know. She is the most compassionate superstar out there.
Nov 22nd, 2007
Steve
Mariah Carey fans are hurting JLo’s career. Always going on and on about JLo stealing songs, being a chronic boyfriend stealer, and a husband stealer. If all this is true, why hasn’t anyone at least attempted to kick her ass?
Feb 2nd, 2008
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