Thought you knew everything there is to know about Britney Jean Spears? Think again. According to Rush & Molloy

The pop star’s Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated “Fantasy Room” filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe… a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an “insider” who stumbled into the den of sin. “She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid’s uniform and a Cinderella outfit,” claims the mole. “Britney is sexually obsessed.”

I suppose “ugly stepsister” is technically a type of Cinderella outfit. So, what about feces, then? You can’t have a den of inquity without a little human waste smeared on the couches:

Star’s source also claims the house is a stinky sty — that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney’s dog. According to the tab, a “court-appointed watchdog” is set to declare the place a potential “health hazard.”

Just who is Britney handcuffing to the bed and letting shit all over the couches? According to the magazine,

Her “new squeeze” is Michael Marchand, a Hollywood waiter and aspiring actor. But his mom insists that they’re “just friends” who like “watching videos together and playing Scrabble.”

Scrabble. You’re telling me Britney Spears plays fucking Scrabble in her free time. By “play” I guess they mean “try to eat the little squares and have to be given the Heimlich.” Because arranging the letters to spell “poo,” “ass,” and “dum” and then laughing hysterically is not playing. I know. Otherwise, I would be the undisputed Scrabble King. So, in short, the only thing Britney is missing? Another bastard child:

Star quotes “multiple independent sources” as saying Brit is expecting again. “Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked — almost four weeks to be exact,” says Brit, or someone claiming to be Brit, in a message on her MySpace page, according to Star. “I don’t really know if I’m happy or sad I’m just … [I don't know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!”

Unfortunately, with the internet, there’s no way to know if it was really her or not. The “kewl” is certainly indicative of Britney Spears, as is the posting on MySpace, but we’d still need to see the actual computer to know for sure. You just can’t tell from someone’s blog if their keyboard is splattered with nacho cheese and feathers and crystal meth. Or if it’s covered in vomit and tears of shame and self-doubt. That’s what makes blogging the perfect job for me!

Britney on Thanksgiving day: