Britney Spears, master of international espionage and general skullduggery, is reportedly threatening to blackmail Paris Hilton with racy video footage unless she “stops being rude to people.” Hope you’re writing this down, CIA! Female First says

The ‘Gimme More’ singer, who fell out with Paris at Britney’s 26th birthday celebrations on Sunday, sent the hotel heiress a letter warning her she has an X-rated tape of Paris. A source said: “The letter claims the tape shows footage of Paris locking lips with one of Britney’s female friends at a party. It warns Paris that if she continues being rude to people, the footage will be leaked online.” The note ended with Britney and her friends telling Paris they look forward to hearing back from her.

Unfortunately, that’s really less of a “threat” and more of “just the kind of publicity that made this dumb twat famous in the first place.” If Britney had footage of her applying Zovirax to her genital lesions or sauntering out of an abortion clinic in last season’s Dolce & Gabanna, then maybe the threat might actually hold a little weight. As it is, though, it’s like trying to threaten Jennifer Love Hewitt with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken or intimidate Amy Winehouse with a fistful of syringes and cigarettes. Ineffective to say the least. I’m afraid it just ain’t happening, Tubby.

Paris drunk at two in the morning on Tuesday:

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