Now that it’s gobbled up and spat out Heath Ledger, Lindsay Lohan’s vagina has set its sights on former Paris-poker Stavros Niarchos. Page Six reports

Niarchos, who used to date both Lohan and her frenemy Paris Hilton, this time is sticking with the newly sober star. Hilton showed up to a party for the anti-smoking lozenge Ariva at Crimson in Hollywood the other night and tried to hook up with Niarchos - who, spies said, “wanted nothing to do with her and seemed so annoyed by her, he left the party” to go hang with Lohan. Hilton, unaware she had irked Niarchos, was then seen wandering around “asking where Stavros had gone.”

Remember that commercial where the couple are in bed enjoying what appears to be a sensual private moment together, but then the camera pans away and there are like thirty people on either side of them in the bed? The point being that you vicariously fuck every person your partner porked and everyone those people porked, so on down the line. Think about that the next time you’re pulling your pants down in front of a stranger you met in a bar in L.A. Odds are, Lindsay and Paris are somewhere in that communal bed.¹ Interestingly enough, if you actually map out every sex partner Lindsay and Paris have had in the last four years, you end up with an indecipherable web of countless intersections, and then you’ll notice a pattern of repititon, then fractals, then the Fibonacci sequence and finally the mathematical formula for the end of existence as we know it. Scary stuff. Scientists actually cried and clung to each other and raised angry fists to the sky when they first saw it. What I’m saying here, Stavros, is might as well swab your mouth and genitals with the same toilet paper with which Paris wiped her puss and Lindsay swiped her pooper. See, it doesn’t sound so hot that way, now does it? Well, neither does “ménage à six hundred” or “herpes.” Try using your fucking brain for once, dumbass.

¹ _{This is true for most anyone you met in the Western half of the United States. Also Mexico.}

Lindsay in costume with superheroes for some commercial: