The internet was ablaze with rumors yesterday that Donald Trump left some schmuck a ten thousand dollar tip while dining at a Santa Monca restaurant. I, not being a fucking retard, knew it was obviously fake and didn’t bother to report it. That’s because my sharp eye and journalistic savvy give me investigative super powers akin to Jayson Blair’s. I’m a regular harbinger of truth! Page Six says

Donald Trump might be generous, but he didn’t tip a Santa Monica waiter $10,000 on Monday. The tycoon says he wasn’t even in California. Derober.com published a copy of a MasterCard receipt showing that Trump tipped $10,000 on an $82.27 bill after dining at the Buffalo Club, but Trump told Page Six “This was done by the stupid restaurant to get publicity… it’s not my signature.” The Web site not only ran an interview with waiter Billy D. but also posted a video of the supposed server walking to his car.

Of course he didn’t. Just like he didn’t use a twenty to light his cigar or wipe his ass with a fistful of loose change. It’s messy and unsightly. Not to mention that you can’t even write that shit off on your taxes. And I mean that literally. Nobody at the IRS will touch your return if it’s flanked with feces. That goes double if the feces are stubbled with the coins you tried to wipe with in the first place. This is precisely why it’s never a good idea to let the homeless file your taxes. A good rule of thumb is if you’re paying in gin, he’s probably not a real CPA. That’s one mistake I won’t be making come April 15th. A lesson lived is a lesson learned, my friends!

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