Ladies, the best way to win that old boyfriend back isn’t dropping a dress size or a sexy new haircut — it’s stalking and screaming and hitting any other woman who stands in your way. “Restraining order?” More like “retaining order!” Let’s see what relationship guru Paris Hilton has to say on the subject. According to Page Six

Hilton first ran into [ex Stavros Niarchos] at Mansion Wednesday night. “Paris beelined for Stavros, but he was chatting up [Brandon Davis ex] Caroline Vreeland,” said our source. “He was completely ignoring Paris, and she was furious. She shot them evil looks and finally stormed up to them and started screaming at Caroline.”

So, with screaming out of the way, what next?

On Thursday, the celebutard followed Niarchos to three different clubs. One partygoer at Moka [said], “Paris saw that Stavros was with a girl, and she went crazy. She literally stood on Stavros’ table and began screaming at him. Then she started dancing and trying to get his attention.”

Stalking and dancing!¹ An unbeatable duo. All that’s left is the hitting, right?

When Stavros and his date left Mokai and moved on to Set, Hilton followed: “Paris went to great lengths trying to get Stavros’ date kicked out, begging club security to get rid of the girl. Paris was so furious, she ended up walking up to the girl and just punched her.” But a rep for Hilton [said]: “Paris was at both clubs but at no time physically struck anyone. These accusations are completely false.”

And as you can see from the picture below, all that persistence paid off in spades for Paris! So toss out that push up bra and those FM boots and head for the nearest flask of “belligerent in a bottle,” aka Tennessee whiskey. You have to believe that deep down, that dirty dog still wants you back. And also, remember a lot of times dogs have been known to eat their own vomit. So, yeah. That can’t hurt a girl’s chances, either. That’s what’s called “bringing your A-game,” ladies!

Paris at making out with Stavros and at Atrium in Miami Beach:

¹_{First I limp to the side like my leg was broken, shakin’ and twitchin’ kinda like I was smokin’. That’s all right ’cause my body’s in motion. It’s supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion. Anyone can play this game. You got it down when ya appear to be in pain. Humpin’, funkin’, jumpin’, jig around, shakin’ ya rump, and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump tell him step off, I’m doin’ the Hump.}

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